Something Old, Something New (not a wedding blog, please!)

I thought that I ought to write two things in my blog at the moment: One, that I am a little better than my previous blog dramas and two, I need to write my thesis already.

First, I can say I am a lot better after some weeks of some heavy, tears-laden drama over a man who broke my heart but didn't know about it. I didn't know if it was more sad that he broke my hear or that he didn't know about it. But either way, it made some slightly major impact in my life, some belief systems have crushed down, some matured and a little tired heart struggled to overcome. I believe, all in all, it happened for a reason, every single moment of it. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here, blogging about it, right? Everything happens for a reason and I guess, it's up to me to come out positive and optimistic at the end of the deal and the start of a new beginning.

So am I starting a new beginning? I ought to, right? There is no time but now to make a move to haul my self out of this long-overdue stupor and wake up to a new start.

What better way to start than ... my thesis writing! Can you imagine how boring my life is? I think I should be able to boast that I'm starting a love affair or some new, drastic career shift ... from school career to military school.... or start a new organization to help alleviate poverty .... nope ... I need to start on my thesis writing.

So today I attended my thesis writing seminar and what do you know, I've grown three pimples just sitting in class, panicking about what to write, how to write, when to write ... and all that jazz of the thesis writing activities we MA students have to deal with after our comprehensives. The stress! Unbelievable! But the stress is coming from myself, I guess. I need to sit down and think about my thesis problem ... totally opposite of whatever love problem I have been reflecting on in the past few weeks ... and now I feel I totally appreciate the lowdowns that give me heart failures (literally) during the time I was so depress, much as it sucks, that is.

It is so difficult to create something substantially viable to be a thesis study. Create a problem? Articulate it? Justify it? Defend it? Why in the world did I need to do my graduate studies anyway? .... Ah, the dilemma of my life in the past three years. But here I am, occupying a greater part of my thinking skills to producing something even remotely substantial to be able to come up with something that I can work on in the next few months. Apparently, this remotely substantial work will even be clawed upon, tramped, crushed, literally chewed whole and spit out -- all in the name of -- not tramping or crushing or chewing and spitting my heart -- but helping me produce an acceptable study that I can work on -- slave on -- in the next few months. So in time, I will be able to write about graduation. Makes perfect sense? Right.

So yes, that something old is seemingly fleeting as the day goes by .... and the something new is creeping in already, ready to devour me anytime it feels I can handle it. It's like the flip of the coin is of the same face, same fate, right?

So what is your something old and something new?

later.

Splat

No words. It happened.

Diagnosis

At this point, while I am literally ALONE in the office and laziness to deal with my work has hit me, I am blogging to unload the burden of my heart who has experienced many dilemma for the past months, weeks, days... what about love .... ahh, i don't want to write anymore. The mere mention of the reason why I am writing gives me the creeps. But much as I'd like to admit, I am a hopeless and helpless romantic. Blame it on the novels I have read since I was 10 years of age. I just stopped reading on romantic novels few years back with the realization that all i inherited from it are insane ideas that love makes the world go round.

Yup, cynic, that's me. I have been called that several times. Oh, not to mention insensitive and freak when it comes to matters of the heart. Me, freak? What, do I have 3 legs and 2 heads? Freak ... tsk tsk ...

Two weeks ago,I have experienced difficulty in breathing for a week. Diagnosis? Suppression of Feelings and Coercion to Divert Attention Syndrome. Ever heard of it?

I never expected this is possible. Am i getting too old hiding my feelings? When i was a bit younger, i have no worries on how i will hold my breath and expel it after taunting emotions, gripping of heart, stoppage of brain cells occur. It was easy.

But now ....

what has changed? Is it me? Am i THAT old? or is it the intensity of emotions I an unequipped to deal with?

Ah... I promised that I will not analyze, I will not think, I will not talk about it ... but ... to forget is painful much as waiting is, as Paulo Coelho said. Which to do is the worse kind.

Where am I?

Later.