Requiem

My sister and I received the bad news that our beloved cousin, Ate Charet, passed yesterday.

We both felt an immediate feeling of lose, of emptiness, of regret, of reminiscing memories that keeps her alive at that moment in our hearts.

Death is never easy to accept. One can never be 'ready' to this news, to this reality. I have had some very special people to me passed in the last six years and I know, deep in the cavern of my heart, I'm still grieving. It does get easy as the days, months, as years go by. The pain seems less. But scars remain.

Life is too precious to ignore. Time is too precious to waste. There are so many special people in our lives that we sometimes neglect because of the life we lead, the chaos of our existence somehow diminishes the time we spend to touch base with those who are truly important in our lives: the people who loves us, the people we love, the people who makes us who we are, the people who are there with us in the lowest times and the happiest times. May that be a family, may that be a friend. Be with them. Know them. Keep in touch with them. Tell them and make them feel your presence in their lives as theirs to yours.

Because there might not be any tomorrow left to spare.

Thank you, Ate Charet. You were a cousin, a friend, a confidante. You were someone who believed in me, someone who never fails to love me and understand me. Your presence in my life will be missed.

Now, you are an additional angel in heaven for me and Ate.

later.

Just so ...

.... I can appease a little of the tiny cracks in my heart that was due to the 'bad' but not necessarily surprising news I've got this morning, I'm posting this picture ...

To realize that there are guys like this out there ... and to look at them seems more than enough :-)

later.

Pete

Pete Sampras.

I remember the time when I was CRAZY about this guy. I mean CRAZY like to wake up at two in the morning so I can watch at Channel 4 the Wimbledon or the US Open or the French Open. So CRAZY that my first email address was jangsamp and was hopelessly following all the news or any news about this.

There will always be one Pete for me. This is him.

Will always have a special place in my heart for this guy.

In Time

Us

Ain't That Right, John?

Unhappy

To be unhappy is so easily attained.


It is, isn't it? We wake up in the morning, we try our best to choose to be happy on that day and we try it in the afternoon and try it in the evening and at night, before we finally hit our beds, we ask if we have achieved that choice we made early in the morning. Have we been happy?


Then we wake up one morning, we try it again and the next and the next one after that. Endless.

We always TRY to be happy. Yet, being unhappy is so attainable we choose to ignore it and replace it with some feeling we seem to be working so hard to attain every single day.


Why?


If you are unhappy, be unhappy. We sometimes don't necessarily have to choose to be something else or something more than what we are at the moment. The moment we try to revert to something else, we seem to be evading every single time the very essence of who we are; it will never expire, it will never cease to nag us.

I say we be unhappy. Get it all out of our system. Whine.Cry, damn it.


THEN GET OVER.





Maybe then, you will never TRY to be happy one day. Maybe you will truly BE.










later.

Old Lady

I look at this picture and I wonder if I can be as beautiful as this old lady when I grow up.




In my fleeting moments before slumber last night, I thought of how my life will be in the next fifty years. All the times from my 35th year and back and I ask what have I achieved so far that can make me the old lady I am at 85. Contented. Proud. Happy. At Peace.

Have I gone cliff diving as I have always wanted to do?
Have I been to places I have always wanted to visit?
Have I hosted enough dinners with friends and family?
Have I watched my children at the backyard while my husband plays tag with them?
Have I experienced enough sunrise and sunsets with my special some? My husband? My child? My sister? My best friend? A stranger?

Have I told enough stories?
Have I touched someone's life as many someones touched mine?
Have I listened to music to last me a lifetime of melodies?

Have I said enough 'I love yous'?
Have I said enough 'Thank yous'?
Have I said enough 'Please'?
Have I said enough 'Goodbyes'?
Have I said enough 'I forgive'?

Have I had many moments with God?

Have I cried enough?
Have I laughed enough?
Have I danced or sing enough?
Have I prayed enough?

Have I lived my life in which I am expected to live it by my Creator?

Have I had a life fullfilled?

Have I been worthy of the years I was blessed? Of the health I was given? Of the intelligence I have been bestowed? Of the opportunities provided? Of every single moments in my life?

There are just so much blessings that each day brings me. And sometimes, I feel I neglect each moments and allow the rot of life's daily grind to bite me.

I hope of life that is worthy of I was given. I hope of people I have in my life and more of the likes of them than the richness of the world. I hope for the beauty of the earth that no money can buy. I hope of all things that I can learn to live and I can live to learn.

I hope for an old age of no regrets.

I wish and pray and hope for the same to all those who read this blog. May we all live a life with all the sad moments it bring, with all the happy moments it bring but with no moments of regret in the end.

God bless you, my friend --- is what I think the old lady in the picture said.... as she have been blessed in her life.

later.

If You Ask Me To ...

.... marry you?!

It's February 29, something that comes every four years! And on this day, as the famous tradition from Ireland by St. Bridget who whined to St. Patrick that women are tired of waiting, women are granted license to propose to the man they love.

So ... will you marry me, yes YOU? :-)

later.

Perfectly Right

So since this is THE day of the hearts, humour me and let me tell you what I need and hope for in my man:

He is Michael Holden ... respectable.honorable.true.
He is Roland Burton ... kind.intelligent.understanding.
He is Trevor LeBlanc ... sweet.loving.funny.
He is Frank Sherwood ... strong.brave. faithful.
He is Chase Moran ... tall.sexy.handsome.

Who are these guys?

They all have THE qualities of the man any woman longs, hopes, wishes, prays for. And yes, they are all fictional.

May the man in your life has at least one or two of these guys' qualities.

later.

Isn't

'nuff said.

later.

Right

There is never more right than being with the right one, right?

I thought so too.

later.

Exactly

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I wrote in my Twitter account a day ago that most often than not, I ask for what I want instead of what I truly need. Why? Because sometimes, I don't know what I need over what I want.

The video nailed for me what I truly believe I need.

No gift greater than sharing one's self selflessly with someone you love doing exactly what that person loves doing. Whether it's watching the most boring documentary in National Geographic or the constant news in CNN or the cheesiest romcom in HBO.

No need for anything except the time together, sharing each other's lives. No frills. No fancy.

No words can ever describe what truly 'love' is.

But this video did!

... Thanks for this Google! :-)

Happy Heart's Day, Y'all! :-)

later.

Leap

Lately, I have been feeling a constant nag of discontent in my system.

I'm not sure if it's the hormonal pills that I was told to take by my doctor to treat some womanly disorder or my general feeling of emptiness of not having any actions or reactions in my life in the past few days. I'm not sure either if because this year marks my 35th year come May or because I feel a little dread that this new year is the same as last year's tumultous emotionally draining rollercoaster.

But I do feel a badger of gloominess. A melancholy that makes me feel lazy, sad, empty, unworthy, thoughtful, sensitive, cold and distant.

I cannot express it into any more than what I am writing right now. I do not know what I'm feeling. It is not the time of the month, last time I checked. Usually, I would reason this feeling of indolence to that. But I'm sure it's not.

I have been thinking seriously of trying something new. A new place. A new environment. A new atmosphere. I'm seriously contemplating working abroad, trying my luck out somewhere from these sphere I call safe. Part of these thoughts is also thinking the reasons why I cannot drive myself to start with my thesis, fearing that starting it may be the cause to peg me to stay or ending up not finishing it at all if I decided to move forward somewhere, somewhat, doing something else. I never want to start something I never wish to finish and I felt this may happen if I start working on it and I'd end up where I feel I don't want to be in the first place.

How darn scary it is to leap, anyway? I'm all for taking risks, why not. After all, I only have very few taken in my life so far. And at times, I think, I only took half of those I was suppose to. And then here I am. Years had gone, few leaps under my name. I'm a little old, maybe some grays and yet I've been thinking of leaps. See, there is the leap in place where you may have taken that leap and ended falling on the very same place you came from. And there is another one that takes you way out from where you began. I want to take the latter. The former has grown old on me, I think.

Now I'm not sure if taking that leap and landing on some place else will take me to where I truly want to be. But how in the world will I know if I don't try, right? Wrong! It is NOT so darn easy to go leaping and jumping and diving. You would still end up taking a run when you hit the ground, or swim until you reach the shore. It takes more than leaping to get there, wherever that is. Back-up plan, that's me. Always have that fall back when you take the plunge. Always. But I wonder how it feels to trust yourself with whatever the future holds? To just not think, to not blink but to just do it. Without any plans, without any expectations. I wonder. Isn't that what life is?

I think I need to do something else, something more. Time is of the essence. I felt change is needed. I feel it to my bones. I just am not sure how to step up and take the first leap. Yup, leap. I'm all for leaping.... This is a leap year, after all. Happens only every four years so why not, right?

Well, whatever it is, I hope to figure out soon.

later ... sooner, I hope. :-)

PS,

I have always wanted to try the exhilaration of jumping off a cliff. Join me, please?

Without Love

Borrowing from Hugh McLeod:

Hunk? Geek?

I have a new crush on this guy ... description?

Hunk on the outside. Geek on the inside. Perfect!

later.

PS, I wish I can post THE guy's picture .... maybe someday?

Wait for it.

Wait for it. Wait for somebody who is perfect for you. I don’t care how long you’ve been alone, or how easy it is to make excuses for somebody who makes you feel bad. I don’t care if it’s because you kind of like them, and I don’t care if you think it ‘could maybe work out.’ Wait for somebody who is good to you. It doesn’t matter if they make you giggle laugh, because if they give you that empty ‘i’m not hungry’ feeling in your stomach when they forget to call, they are not fucking worth it. They are never worth your bathroom tears or your constant ‘what do you think it means’ barrage to your friends. You are worth it. You are stupidly cool/sometimes lame but you have a human pulse and you don’t kill people and you deserve to be happy. Maybe this person will take forever, maybe it will take till next week. Who knows when they will get their lazy ass off the couch and come find you? However, until then, don’t put up with bullshit. Don’t put up with the bad feelings. Just go do your own thing until somebody fits your puzzle piece. It’ll be something for the books. Don’t fucking settle for anything less.

www.the-frenemy.com

See Saw

You know that feeling when you are the other end and you are just hanging up there, trying to figure out when the other person on other side will let you down gently or will just stand abruptly and leave?

Yup. Nasty, heart-wrenching, barely breathing feeling of not knowing what exactly it is you feel.

Fall hard and fast. Fall slowly and gently.

Either way, you're falling.

Wrong

Do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?


It's just wrong, right?


I thought so too.


later.

Don't Settle

In my previous blog, I have reflected the wonderful speech made by Steve Jobs in 2005 at Stanford University graduation. Now that the man who had touched practically all the lives of the people on this planet had passed, there are many reflections of the lessons of how Steve lived a life that is full and well-lived.

One striking part of that speech was his passionate words addressed to his audience.

Don't settle.

There are far so many things in life that sought to compromise who we are, who we want to be, who we can be. And there are so many instances as well that we have been compelled to do so. To settle. To compromise. To simply find in our hearts to accept whatever, whoever was presented in our paths. We have believed that this is it for us. That the one true thing we have always dream of having will never be.

Don't settle. Not really an easy task to achieve when all we want is to be happy in what we do, on who we are with, on how everything is done in our lives. We aim for comfort, we aim to have what we can NOW instead of heartbreaks, of failures, of pain, of disappointments.

We only have the guts to know when to finally say YES when we are lucky enough to find that one true thing we passionately love.

Until then, until the very voice of ourselves are telling us to GO for it, that THIS IS IT, DO NOT SETTLE.

"If you haven't found it yet, keep looking and don't settle" - (Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011)

later.