Nonsense ... DO NOT READ

You know that feeling of waiting?

I thought I’m that kind of girl. The type who can wait, wait, and wait …. And wait. I really, seriously think I am one who can actually be patient, calm, non-aggressive and non-violent and will actually allow time to pass by until what I want happens.

I thought.

I’ve been known to be a girl who is extremely patient, who waits for friends in meeting places for two hours, just reading in a bookstore, or wait my turn in a long, standing line in a bank, or allow someone to just speak and I listen even my eyes are dropping to boredom until the person finishes ….. I can wait, really. I thought before it’s one of my greatest qualities. Patience. Endurance.

I thought. But not today.

All I want is some time, one text, one hello, initiated preferably by him, but ok if just a response to my greeting …. But none, de nada, nothing, zero …. At this point, I am very frustrated, I want to scream, really. I do not understand, I cannot accept any reasons, I do not care what happened to him or what he is doing …. What I know is I am waiting extremely and my patience has ran out.

It was my fault, anyway. I wasn’t suppose to text him. I was suppose to leave him alone, do not give him any reason to notice I exist, as a matter of fact. Just make him forget about me and allow him to be busy with whatever he is busy with …

But I DO want to text him, I followed my impulse even before my brain tells me otherwise; I want to give him the reason to know I exist; I want him to stop being busy with whatever he is busy with and think of me, even for just a blink of an eye.

Urgh!

But what good will this do? This lashing on a blog which seems too personal and shouldn’t be posted at all …. If you ask me, I shouldn’t even be writing this at all. Normally, I just talk to a friend but can’t wait for tonight to talk. And when I have really gone over the top, I normally do not talk. So I’m writing.

Thinking this through, I think I am the one bringing all this frustrations in. I mean, this is my fault. I am the one hanging on to him even if I know, knew and will know that he will NEVER have the time … at least in the next few months… to even BOTHER texting, replying, talking, getting-out-of-his-way to communicate with me.

Tough luck I always have.

What is wrong with me? What thrill do I get waiting for a guy who obviously ain’t gonna happen in my life? Could it be true that I am such a poor judgment of what I want or what I need? I think I need a new person to replace me. Actually, I’ve been feeling that lately. Needing a new person to replace me.

I am just extremely frustrated.

Clearly, I am not me today. And clearly, this guy affects me in many ways new to me. The guy I knew before, I can vent out my frustrations on him. I can scream, kick, turn into iceberg cold (which is more often the best and most leathal weapon that gets him) treatment on him and I even cry after (not with him within the proximity, of course). And it’s good. Because I communicate, I convey what I feel. It relieves me of the frustrations.

But now?! I am doomed. If I convey to him what I feel right now, I think he wouldn’t care. He won’t, really. Why? Because he is busy and he doesn’t have the time. He doesn’t even have the time to feel anything. or does he?

Can I just accept that the reality could be that he is not interested?

Maybe I should just begin this dialogue I have with myself and tell me that he is not interested. I mean, if he is, he will have the time, he will find the time and he will … he will seek me, see me, give me a pop of HIs or HELLOs, let me know that he knows I am alive. That should be it, isn’t it? Right?

BUT …. ….I have this thing this year … some sort of a promise … drastic change. Meaning, I will NOT be the person that I was last year who WAITED for change to happen. My aim this year is drastic change. Actions that I have never done before BUT should have done in the first place, must not happen. I mean, I need to take A STEP. Towards something I want, something I need … something that WILL make me happy … or at least I think, that will make me happy.

Does he make me happy?

Right now, he frustrates me.

And I don’t know how “happy” he can make me feel …. But I do know he makes me smile. And for someone like me who has really been semi-void of emotional realities for years, I think making me smile is good. Pretty good, actually. The past guys, they don’t make me smile as much as I want to. They make my forehead crease, my mouth pout, my eyes dry but crying … in short, they make me so far from being happy.

SO maybe he is INDEED busy. The field he’s in, it’s not really the eight-to-five, one-hour-lunch break, 15-minutes-coffee break type. He really has his hands full at times and when I say full, it could mean not even having the time to go to the loo or doing work-ups til he drops or writing summaries or suturing or walking his rounds and talking to patients or …. There could really be plenty of reasons, is what I am trying to drive at.

OR, it could be he is not at all interested.

In which case, I should end this now and think of drastic change.

Later.