Let me get my bearings before blogging because in the past several months, I have lost almost all of it and felt I still have too much in me to unload.
In the eve of the New Year, I was crying. I stayed out of the house, doing the most unglamorous New Year’s Eve task of facing the barbeque grill, just so I don’t have to stay inside and mingle with my family. First time to cry on the eve of a new year, I must say. I’m not at all the “crying baby” most especially in times of the celebration of the New Year. As a matter of fact, I was always the infuriatingly loud, laughing, happy person in our circle and who is often the most excited about new beginnings, more so New Year.
But the pain of 2006 was too much for me. The accumulation of all my sorrow, pain, unspoken emotions, failed beginnings, bitter endings that the parting year has given me was too much for me to bear that I broke down and cried.
I cannot imagine how the year 2006 made me feel and how I survived it. Or have it?
I cried over a man, I cried over a job, I cried over a friend, I cried over an illness, I cried over a death…. cried A LOT, actually. I have cried so much than I’ve cried in over 5 years. I was crushed and I felt alone and sad and bitter and empty. Up until now, that it’s the 4th of January, tears may not be falling down my eyes, but I am crying inside.
What a 2006 it has been. It made me lack the will to go on and move on and start to live and face the coming 2007.
What am I gonna do with 2007? Where all of my last year was a failure, how am I gonna start 2007 right? I do not want to think or write the cliché of being thankful of the year that passed, of how it made me stronger, of how I will reap all the benefits of the past hardships in the future … I KNOW THAT ….and I will THINK of that …. the space here is NOT for that …. Right now, I am hurting and in pain and for once, I just want to feel HUMAN and cry.
So I did. And I lived. And I am here.
Back to the question, how will my 2007 will be?
Many people think that they have all the power to live their lives in accordance to their will. IT IS TRUE. I agree. We are all a result of all the decisions we made, decisions we took when we have that power to rule our destiny…
But on the other hand, there are simple events in our lives WE HAVE NO RULE OVER. NO power to change, NO supremacy to steer the wheel … NONE.
So do we find a balance for this?
A balance between deciding on the matter, having the power over it and accepting that when the result is not the end we want, we leave it all to the idea that “it’s not our call to make”?
Maybe. Maybe not.
What I need in 2007 is a boyfriend, I think. But I don’t want to cry anymore.
When the master sees that the warrior is depressed, he says:
‘You are not what you seem to be in these moments of sadness. You are better than that.
‘Many have left – for reasons we will never understand – but you are still here. Why did God carry off all those amazing people and leave you?
‘By now, millions of people will have given up. They don’t get angry, they don’t weep, they don’t do anything; they merely wait for time to pass. They have lost the ability to react.
“You, however, are sad. That proves that your soul is still alive.’
©Paulo Coelho, p.245
Later.
In the eve of the New Year, I was crying. I stayed out of the house, doing the most unglamorous New Year’s Eve task of facing the barbeque grill, just so I don’t have to stay inside and mingle with my family. First time to cry on the eve of a new year, I must say. I’m not at all the “crying baby” most especially in times of the celebration of the New Year. As a matter of fact, I was always the infuriatingly loud, laughing, happy person in our circle and who is often the most excited about new beginnings, more so New Year.
But the pain of 2006 was too much for me. The accumulation of all my sorrow, pain, unspoken emotions, failed beginnings, bitter endings that the parting year has given me was too much for me to bear that I broke down and cried.
I cannot imagine how the year 2006 made me feel and how I survived it. Or have it?
I cried over a man, I cried over a job, I cried over a friend, I cried over an illness, I cried over a death…. cried A LOT, actually. I have cried so much than I’ve cried in over 5 years. I was crushed and I felt alone and sad and bitter and empty. Up until now, that it’s the 4th of January, tears may not be falling down my eyes, but I am crying inside.
What a 2006 it has been. It made me lack the will to go on and move on and start to live and face the coming 2007.
What am I gonna do with 2007? Where all of my last year was a failure, how am I gonna start 2007 right? I do not want to think or write the cliché of being thankful of the year that passed, of how it made me stronger, of how I will reap all the benefits of the past hardships in the future … I KNOW THAT ….and I will THINK of that …. the space here is NOT for that …. Right now, I am hurting and in pain and for once, I just want to feel HUMAN and cry.
So I did. And I lived. And I am here.
Back to the question, how will my 2007 will be?
Many people think that they have all the power to live their lives in accordance to their will. IT IS TRUE. I agree. We are all a result of all the decisions we made, decisions we took when we have that power to rule our destiny…
But on the other hand, there are simple events in our lives WE HAVE NO RULE OVER. NO power to change, NO supremacy to steer the wheel … NONE.
So do we find a balance for this?
A balance between deciding on the matter, having the power over it and accepting that when the result is not the end we want, we leave it all to the idea that “it’s not our call to make”?
Maybe. Maybe not.
What I need in 2007 is a boyfriend, I think. But I don’t want to cry anymore.
When the master sees that the warrior is depressed, he says:
‘You are not what you seem to be in these moments of sadness. You are better than that.
‘Many have left – for reasons we will never understand – but you are still here. Why did God carry off all those amazing people and leave you?
‘By now, millions of people will have given up. They don’t get angry, they don’t weep, they don’t do anything; they merely wait for time to pass. They have lost the ability to react.
“You, however, are sad. That proves that your soul is still alive.’
©Paulo Coelho, p.245
Later.
1 comment:
Good words.
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