If I Could Reach You

I have had my share of frustrations in life. A huge chunk of share, if I may say so. In restrospect, these frustrations are all but made me who I am, the woman I have become today. A large part of me was born out of every single frustrating moments of my life. Losing. Letting go. Failing.

I have had another frustrating moment in life that happened recently. This guy I really really like, whom I have gone out before turns out to be dating someone else already.

The frustration? I really REALLY like this guy. Another frustration? I didn't do enough to make this guy see me for who I truly am. Another one? I didn't think this guy truly liked me, whether he sees the real me or not.

More than ever, I am frustrated on myself . It was me anyway who fell for the stupid lines. It was me anyway who, despite my repeated tune of not having any expectations after the supposed date, fell for him. It was me who thought and hoped and wished and prayed something more will happen between us. It was me who expected that he likes me like I liked him when in fact, it may just be gas. Yup, the stupid ol' little me.

I learned from the vines that this girl he's 'seeing' (yup, girl who is eight years younger than I am! -- another frustration? maybe!) is someone who knows what she wants and who knows how to get it. And so she did! Me? I just know what I want. Getting it is the hazy part. Or is it? I dunno. I have thought all of my wrong moves, all the wrong moments that I failed to follow through. The moments when I felt I didn't do anything and the moments I thought I may have done too much. I was just swinging my ways of awkwardness and ineptitude, hoping I did what I needed to, the very moment I have to do it. Whether it's right or wrong, I don't know anymore. It was the real me and I rest on that thought. It was me who wanted to try to do what I can to make him feel I like him (which apparently seems not as obvious as I had hoped it was). It turns out it was not enough. Or maybe it was just not me he likes.

I dunno how else to reach him. To borrow some lines to a song that makes me remember of my dad (it's one of his faves!) .... "If I could reach you some way. If I knew the magic it would take.... maybe I could make you stay"

It's just frustrating to not be able to know what to do to be able to reach him. I feel like I'm a scared cat who just cowers and hide, not sure of what to do.

I think, more than ever, I am frustrated that he doesn't like me like I like him. That there weren't chances to be with him, to know him, to be friends with him and maybe explore other realm that may be possible to come out of such friendship. None. Nada.

But hey, as I said, I have had frustrations in life and I'm still alive, healthy, breathing. Life moves on. The earth is still spinning on its axis. The world didn't stop. Mine may have skipped in the last few days but it's slowly spinning again, trying to rebuild something that may have been lost and trying to live those I have earned from this moment in my so-called life.

later.