i thought it's time i write something about my grandmother.
she passed away few months ago. she was 93.
it was the most devastating time for me. i have been with her since day one of my life. i've always thought that my life is inconceivable, unimaginable without her in it. for months now, i've been trying to rebuild my life, trying to wrap my head around the thought that the one sturdy pillar of my life is gone forever. it's not easy. i'm still trying.
i still miss her EVERY SINGLE DAY. not one day had passed that i never thought of her, her face or her smile or her laughter, her gestures. i miss her so much it's an inexplicable feeling of overwhelming, tumultuos emotions: sadness, joy, love, regret, fear, anger, resignation.
she was someone who was constant in life. someone who is always there at every single moment ... now, it's as if a huge void has occupied a large part of my heart, my life. the one that was constant is gone.
it was not easy to let her go. i miss her smile whenever i tease her. i miss her gentle touch, a kind pat on my hair when i hug her, a compliment on my dress or how i smell ... on how i would immediately get my perfume and spray some on her and we would laugh silly.... the joke we constantly share despite her alzheimer, her naughty antics that makes me laugh so hard .... how she used to tuck me in bed when i was young, telling me to say my prayers .... how i used to tuck her in bed when she was old, telling her to say her prayers .... the moments when we were just together, silently living our lives but constantly aware of the importance of ourselves on each other's.
there is no one moment i don't miss. even the times when i was away, when i was working, when i'm with friends or i'm living my adult life ... i know that i have a home in her. that i belong to her, her little jang-jang.
her passing has wounded me, deep cut that penetrates within the core of my soul .... a mark that will leave a scar that i hope remains forever, if only it's one of her i can keep within me for as long as i live.
i miss you, nanay tuding. i can just imagine how fun the angels are enjoying all the loveliness you have shared with me in my life.
later.
