i thought it's time i write something about my grandmother.
she passed away few months ago. she was 93.
it was the most devastating time for me. i have been with her since day one of my life. i've always thought that my life is inconceivable, unimaginable without her in it. for months now, i've been trying to rebuild my life, trying to wrap my head around the thought that the one sturdy pillar of my life is gone forever. it's not easy. i'm still trying.
i still miss her EVERY SINGLE DAY. not one day had passed that i never thought of her, her face or her smile or her laughter, her gestures. i miss her so much it's an inexplicable feeling of overwhelming, tumultuos emotions: sadness, joy, love, regret, fear, anger, resignation.
she was someone who was constant in life. someone who is always there at every single moment ... now, it's as if a huge void has occupied a large part of my heart, my life. the one that was constant is gone.
it was not easy to let her go. i miss her smile whenever i tease her. i miss her gentle touch, a kind pat on my hair when i hug her, a compliment on my dress or how i smell ... on how i would immediately get my perfume and spray some on her and we would laugh silly.... the joke we constantly share despite her alzheimer, her naughty antics that makes me laugh so hard .... how she used to tuck me in bed when i was young, telling me to say my prayers .... how i used to tuck her in bed when she was old, telling her to say her prayers .... the moments when we were just together, silently living our lives but constantly aware of the importance of ourselves on each other's.
there is no one moment i don't miss. even the times when i was away, when i was working, when i'm with friends or i'm living my adult life ... i know that i have a home in her. that i belong to her, her little jang-jang.
her passing has wounded me, deep cut that penetrates within the core of my soul .... a mark that will leave a scar that i hope remains forever, if only it's one of her i can keep within me for as long as i live.
i miss you, nanay tuding. i can just imagine how fun the angels are enjoying all the loveliness you have shared with me in my life.
later.
7 comments:
this is one nice "eulogy" for your nanay tuding. made me think of my own grandmother too. we started on the wrong foot though, me as a child, and her moving to our house after being oblivious of her. in the end, she bacame a friend too. and happy moments followed. sadly, her life ended as soon as i took off and became the man that i am now. miss her too...but then again, we have angels in heaven watching over us. and that is the joy that we get when we think about them.
thanks, gabriel. as for me, i do find peace in the knowledge that she is with Jesus and Mama Mary in heaven and making angels laugh! :-)
she is my angel. :-)
Hi Mare! It's very nice! I remember that I was preparing for my surgery last September 3 when I received a text from you. I'm sorry that I cannot be with you physically during those times but I'm always here praying for all of us. I love you Sis! Isipin mo na lang na laging may bahaghari pagkatapos ng ulan...
amazing partner! you're both blessed that your paths crossed the way it did and indeed you've touched each other's lives in a very meaningful way. =)
@rosevie> thanks. i remember you were also going through a nudge during those times i was so sad and down but i knew and felt your friendship. you are also an amazing addition to my life and a friend who is forkeeps.take care, mare. salamat sa everything!
@armie> thanks, partner! life's meaning has been profound because of nanay. i will always have her in my heart ...
you made me cry ate Jang. but made my day. I MISS NANAY, everyday. Forever. and I miss you too. I'll see you soon! =)
@ joan ... i miss her so much too and always think of her everyday ... specially at moments when i feel so sad. i miss her presence and the kind, gentle pats she gives me when i seek solace from her.
i'll see u soon, too! take care!
- Ate Jang
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