Corner

I was sitting at the corner of our house yesterday afternoon, stirring the leaves of my tea and I had felt this dark, muddy feeling of weariness, of sadness, that clothed me like a blanket. In my normal mode, I would just go to my room and shut the door and let silence takes me off my emotions of drama and lowness. But yesterday, for some reason, I told my sister that I was feeling so sad. I jested even, saying I must be hormonal.

Am I? Or is this still an aftershock of the turmoil I've had few weeks back, some small, shockwaves of dark emptiness, of realization of solitude in life? Or another moment of missing my grandmother?

The dinner I had last night with my family made me realize some sad thoughts (which I still think is part of the 'aftershock' of my life's 'quake and tsunami' of the past weeks) - that I will be alone for the rest of my life. In the middle of our family gathering, with my sister's and brother's families, with all my nephews complete, I realize this will always be the scenario in the next five or ten or twenty years for me. That I will be surrounded by these wonderful people I call my family but by the end of the day, I will not have a husband or a son or a daughter or a family to call my own. That I will not be a wife to a man or a mother to child. It saddens my heart thinking that this can never be. The bleakness of the idea squeezes my heart softly, quietly, killing my heart and soul faintly. Pretty sad when I was thinking about it more as i lay awake at night, my mind going on a trip of its own.

I realized that the acceptance hasn't really sunk in. I don't know if it ever will. Or when it ever will. I have held tight as I can to my realities before, to the notions of hopeful future filled with togertherness, of little white house in the prairie, of small, giggly laughters of babies and mommys and daddys, of quiet nights of intimacy, of family, of generation upon generation of life. But I hold tight no more. I allowed myself for many years to yearn but I do not any longer. It's not an easy transition from being hopeful of the unknown future to being resigned to the reality of today. But what today is already a manifestation of what the future holds and the bleakness and coldness it brings my soul is a struggle I accept everyday.

I listen to songs about love, hear stories about relationships, see movies about families and kids ... but nothing seems as it was before anymore. A part of me was changed. That little part of me is already missing, the part that hopes for everything I wish for will come true. There was a piece of me gone.

later.