Goodbye

I thought about writing about love lost and unrequited love. I was looking through the internet for an appropriate photo for it when I found myself with this blog: http://arnoldechevarriajr.blogspot.com/2010/12/unrequited-love.html

I'd like to share his simple, right-through-the-heart words and quote some lines I find striking:

" ... how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you ..."

" ... you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally comes back and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of life that you wasted will eventually begin to fade ..."

Last Friday was when I realize God was speaking right straight to me. I realize He has grown tired of my drama for the past four weeks and maybe, in His own reprimanding way, He allowed me to face the fears I will never be able to get over until such catch me off-guard and hit me in the face. It did that and more. We hugged me. I wanted to hold him longer but I know it's not allowed. He asked how I was. If only I could truly say I was fine. I think I never told him how I was though (though my friends told me I never said anything understandable anyway). I felt my smile was faltering and my knees where buckling. I was never a good actress anyway. All I wanted was to look at him. And look I did when he walked away, with his arms around his wife. That night, I closed my eyes and that's all I can see.

The experience took my night away anyway. I didn't sleep. Not that I didn't want to but I felt my heart was broken in tiniest pieces, my mind was overflowing with thoughts unshared, my soul was in pain. It was excruciating. It was ironic as well because I was off to a place for the long weekend, take my needed break and some breather from the events of my life in the past six months and most recently, in the last few weeks. But on the verge of my departure, I was confronted by the very thing I was running away from. I thought maybe God wants me to face head-on the realities of my drama, of my dilemma, of my life. He wants to hurt me, allowed to make me feel that numbing pain. I guess He knows there is no way I will be able to forget and move on until I am faced with the very person I never wanted to see in my conscious state. He knows I will never move forward until I put a period (.) in this phase.

And so, right now, I am okay. The three-day getaway to Dumaguete helped tremendously. The place, the people, the experience made me come back to the city with renewed spirit, with new realities and new hopes.

I still don't know what lies ahead but it's okay. I do know I have taken a step to recovery from the misery I put myself into, day-in, day-out every single day since weeks back. I am ready to join again the land of the living.

I can now sing again, laugh out loud, smile for no reason, dance when I'm alone. Everything's starting to feel normal again.

So here's to putting a period in this chapter.

PERIOD.