Exams

I received some very good news that I passed my comprehensives and got a pretty good grade for it. It was a wonderful blessing for me but at the same time I felt quite worried for a friend of mine. When I learned about my grade and that I passed first thing Friday morning (at 6am!), I opted not to inform her because I know she really worries about her own. I did not want to share anything yet until I know she learns her status. I guess I want her to tell me first before I tell her mine. Don't get me wrong, I was never worried that she did not pass, even what she did was a re-take. I believe in her and know in my heart she did pass the comprehensives. What I worry is that I think she doesn't think the same as I do with herself. At mid-morning, she texted me and asked what grade I got. I had my hesitations to tell her but I didn't want her to feel I was keeping it from her so I did. Then she began worrying so much for her results and when by lunch time she realized her grade was not in the online system, she began freaking out, crying and just crushing herself with mindless tirade of baseless thoughts and was overcome by fear of knowing what the real score is of her exams. Of course, I called our Department even when I had no business doing so. My friend did not want to even CALL the university to ask. I was informed by our ever kind-hearted Department Secretary that I should ask 'my friend' (which I think she obviously knows who I was talking about) to go see her and get her results, as in the case when student's grade is not reflected online. I told my friend this and she simply didn't want to go last Friday to know the answer to all her anxieties. She opted to immerse herself with sorrow and tears instead for a while. She didn't even want me and another friend of ours Claire to bother her for a while. My passing the exams was never really something I felt truly successful because of this situation. Sure, I passed but I felt there was something that does not seem right to be happy about. When I decided to attend graduate school, I never really had any notions that I will have any close friends. I am not the most sociable person in the world and a little geeky on the side (which at times misconstrued by some as being snobbish -- far from it, that's for sure. I am more shy than standoffish). But this friend of mine, who I initially felt too lively and cheery,-- and a little talkative on the side -- became a good friend. She was funny, smart, generous and very passionate about her goals in the graduate program we are in. She may often see herself as someone most often misunderstood within our circle but I understand her just fine. I introduced her to my high school acquaintance Claire whom I also had a chance to be friends with again and the three of us became good friends. Saturday morning came and I was thinking of her. I knew she went through some rough tide thinking about her results (which she already decided she failed) but space I gave her, despite that fact that I really really want to bug her to get her results from the department -- stat! In the middle of my Saturday morning, she texted me and informed me that.... SHE MADE IT! That was when I felt a gushing relief for her and was very very happy for her. Then I felt at that moment an instant overwhelming emotion for my own success in my exams! It truly was a moment when I felt I did pass too and I scored high and I am truly a candidate for my graduate program (pending Thesis, of course!). I never realized that I was waiting for my friend's result as well as my own to truly feel I have made it this far in this journey. To my friend Tess, we made it, mare. I shall look forward seeing you and Claire in our Thesis Seminar in May. Graduation in March 2012? later.