I know some years back, I've prayed that God allows it for me to be the first to go forth.
But He didn't answer my prayer.
Today is the proof of that.
later
Friday, March 18, 2011
Shiver
have you heard Coldplay's song Shiver? Beautiful song!
so fitting to what i'm feeling right now ...
so fitting to what i'm feeling right now ...
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Career advice
" When I am asked about career strategies, I respond that you need two things: a long-term dream and one- to two-year plan. A long-term dream allows you to work with purpose to achieve real fulfillment. A short-term plan makes sure you are learning and growing from the work you do each day. All the stuff in the middle is confusing at best and anxiety-producing at worst. If I had tried to connect those dots when I left college, I would never have worked at Google or Facebook, companies that did not even yet exist. When you try to plan every step, you miss opportunities. I believe that if you are open to opportunity and respect the people who share their dreams with you, the rest will take care of itself."- Sheryl Sandberg (http://www.newsweek.com/2008/10/03/changing-the-world.html)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Nanay
i thought it's time i write something about my grandmother.
she passed away few months ago. she was 93.
it was the most devastating time for me. i have been with her since day one of my life. i've always thought that my life is inconceivable, unimaginable without her in it. for months now, i've been trying to rebuild my life, trying to wrap my head around the thought that the one sturdy pillar of my life is gone forever. it's not easy. i'm still trying.
i still miss her EVERY SINGLE DAY. not one day had passed that i never thought of her, her face or her smile or her laughter, her gestures. i miss her so much it's an inexplicable feeling of overwhelming, tumultuos emotions: sadness, joy, love, regret, fear, anger, resignation.
she was someone who was constant in life. someone who is always there at every single moment ... now, it's as if a huge void has occupied a large part of my heart, my life. the one that was constant is gone.
it was not easy to let her go. i miss her smile whenever i tease her. i miss her gentle touch, a kind pat on my hair when i hug her, a compliment on my dress or how i smell ... on how i would immediately get my perfume and spray some on her and we would laugh silly.... the joke we constantly share despite her alzheimer, her naughty antics that makes me laugh so hard .... how she used to tuck me in bed when i was young, telling me to say my prayers .... how i used to tuck her in bed when she was old, telling her to say her prayers .... the moments when we were just together, silently living our lives but constantly aware of the importance of ourselves on each other's.
there is no one moment i don't miss. even the times when i was away, when i was working, when i'm with friends or i'm living my adult life ... i know that i have a home in her. that i belong to her, her little jang-jang.
her passing has wounded me, deep cut that penetrates within the core of my soul .... a mark that will leave a scar that i hope remains forever, if only it's one of her i can keep within me for as long as i live.
i miss you, nanay tuding. i can just imagine how fun the angels are enjoying all the loveliness you have shared with me in my life.
later.
Wish
a wise woman once told me, a long long time ago, to be brave and make a wish. that wise woman, who i dearly dearly miss, saw a future me that needs to make into reality the wish i made when i was young.
when you are young, y0u have the all the illustrous freedom, the compelling right, the worthy privilege to be brave and make a wish. it was given as a gift. a gift that at a young age most of us cannot comprehend as something special, something precious. when you're young, you can be brave, you can dream of anything you want to be, you wish to have, you need to do ... with no thoughts whatsoever of the whatifs and whatnots.
most often than not, there is not even a thought of not having that wish come true. in the heart and soul of the young, a wish is a wish come true.
i wonder ... can cowards make a wish too?
later.
when you are young, y0u have the all the illustrous freedom, the compelling right, the worthy privilege to be brave and make a wish. it was given as a gift. a gift that at a young age most of us cannot comprehend as something special, something precious. when you're young, you can be brave, you can dream of anything you want to be, you wish to have, you need to do ... with no thoughts whatsoever of the whatifs and whatnots.
most often than not, there is not even a thought of not having that wish come true. in the heart and soul of the young, a wish is a wish come true.
i wonder ... can cowards make a wish too?
later.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Swing
i'm not sure if im ok but i feel fine today.
what i mean is, i've been going through a nudge at the moment, the swing of my life at the moment is not as consistent with its usual, normal boring swing. yesterday, it was a little strong, the swing of the highs and the lows of my emotions. i of course always chose to be silent, pensive, a bit distant when i feel this unbalance.
today was different, i guess. i was quiet but i wasn't as absorbed to my emotions as i was. maybe i was a little busier today than yesterday. but the swing of my emotions seems consistent, almost equal distance as it move, a little slow and steady.
i don't know what tomorrow will bring. the day hasn't ended yet, though, to be thinking of what tomorrow will be. i guess,i'd find out.
later.
what i mean is, i've been going through a nudge at the moment, the swing of my life at the moment is not as consistent with its usual, normal boring swing. yesterday, it was a little strong, the swing of the highs and the lows of my emotions. i of course always chose to be silent, pensive, a bit distant when i feel this unbalance.
today was different, i guess. i was quiet but i wasn't as absorbed to my emotions as i was. maybe i was a little busier today than yesterday. but the swing of my emotions seems consistent, almost equal distance as it move, a little slow and steady.
i don't know what tomorrow will bring. the day hasn't ended yet, though, to be thinking of what tomorrow will be. i guess,i'd find out.
later.
Monday, March 14, 2011
writing what i feel .. feeling what i write ...
i don't think i can write about what i feel.
someone told me early this morning that i'm better off writing what i feel. but the thing is what i feel is not connected to what i think. let me explain myself. if i can think of not feeling what i am feeling right now, i wouldn't have anything to write at all as i would probably tell what i feel not to feel it instead so i wouldn't have anything to think. clearly, i feel a total disconnection between my thoughts and my emotions.
im harboring some deep-seated, inexplicable, irrational emotions i THINK i should not be FEELING.
later.
someone told me early this morning that i'm better off writing what i feel. but the thing is what i feel is not connected to what i think. let me explain myself. if i can think of not feeling what i am feeling right now, i wouldn't have anything to write at all as i would probably tell what i feel not to feel it instead so i wouldn't have anything to think. clearly, i feel a total disconnection between my thoughts and my emotions.
im harboring some deep-seated, inexplicable, irrational emotions i THINK i should not be FEELING.
later.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Goodbyes
It never thought for one moment that saying goodbye is any easy. Saying it out loud or in the silence of a crying heart will always entail an end to something seemingly fleeting in your life. There are temporary goodbyes. There are goodbyes that will remain gone forever. Either way, there will always be that feeling of lost, of cutting someone from your life, someone who have shared with you emotions that will never be evoked by anyone else. Only that person can make you feel the intensity of joy, the depth of sadness, the highs of success, the fright of collapse. No one and the same can ever make you experience that same emotions that run in your soul. Never will your heart feel that same feeling, not with anyone that will come into your life after. As each man that enters in your life will provide a different version of such upheavals, of such passion, of such strengths of intensity. The same way it will always be unique and particular as to the forms of goodbye.
There are unspoken goodbyes; where things are left unsaid, left hanging and unresolved. For me, it is like half living; not knowing what would have been is living your life in half, in a fraction of a whole. You have missed that part to end. It’s like a road unfinished, turn unmade. Lying to oneself that the outcome is what was best for everyone when everyone involved are not even part of the process of departure, of ending is ruthless, unemotional, inhuman. There will be words left unspoken, words that will never be broken, words that will never provide an end. There will be tears that are left unshed, tears that would have cleanse the crying soul. As time passes, it will take away all the unsaid goodbyes. It will deprive it of its existence, of its right to be spoken, to be felt. In the long run, it creates a hole in one’s heart that will never be filled by anything that comes after. Even if in time, the heart will feel a warmth that fulfill its needs, there is that part that still left frozen, left untouched by anything else. It never thaws; it stays forever cold in the heart. And time will fly, time will pass, the remains of the unsaid goodbyes will forever be reminiscent of a life that is lost, a love that is unspoken, a truth that never prevailed. Unfinished, never ending.
There are goodbyes that are uttered. Goodbyes that have been expressed, tears that freely marked sorrow, of sadness. It is never easier than the unspoken one, but only well expressed. Goodbyes that are spoken leaves permanent ending, a finality that will only cling to the memories of the past. A finality that has ended forever, never can be opened, never the same, as it has closed the door of its chapter, an ending that grips the heart that was once, in that nick of time, was broken.
But there seems to be a goodbye of the third kind. The kind that transpired when both parties are cheated of what is called fate. When circumstances compelled you to depart, to finish. The heart would not want to but it was taken out of your hand by what this universe called life. That no matter how hard you try, no matter how tight you hold on, there is no way you can even prevent letting go and bidding goodbye. It may entail death, it may entail new life. One person may die, or both may live. But it is inevitable to go on being together when what is asked of is conclusion, of losing forever, of an ending; when goodbye is inevitable.
In the end, goodbyes will always break your heart. Maybe in a small kick in the chest or a magnitude so big you cannot even manage to breathe. It will close a chapter in your life (or not) that you may still wish to dwell in and live with. Whatever it maybe, goodbyes are unpredictable acts in life that makes us vulnerable, makes us who we are, makes us human. No one is exempted to this inevitable word. It makes us bleed, makes us cry. It makes us wonder why.
But from it all, goodbyes necessitate us to live in the hopes of beginnings, of new starts. If in the end, goodbye is not enough to begin, then life is a life with unfinished roads, paths uncrossed, existence unlived.
It’s your goodbye to say. Will you say it now? Unspeak of it? or let fate takes its from your hands?
Later.
Friday, February 02, 2007
If this is your LAST DAY on earth ....
If this is your last day on earth, how will you spend it?
I cannot think.
I cannot EVEN falsely imagine the last day on earth is today, more so on how I am spending it, considering it’s already lunch time. Meaning, I already blew my half of the last 24-hours of my life.
SO rewind and say I just opened my eyes and got out of bed at 4:00 in the morning today. Yes, pretty early to start my day but it is Friday and last day of work … what a coincidence that it coincides with the last day on earth … right.
So I get up, thought that this is it, this is the LAST, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? How am I gonna start? HOW?
I cannot think.
So since I need a dose of caffeine, I did my short prayer ritual, sign of the cross and thank God for this LAST day and off to the kitchen.
It is cold, isn’t it? So coffee is good. I cannot stay and drink coffee, all by myself, in the deafening silence of the house. So I have to turn the TV on and it’s Jay Leno, a re-run from its usual midnight run. Coffee and TV, a good start, maybe.
Why didn’t I spend the day at home? I mean, it’s the last day, right?
SO in my last day, I’m not working. NOPE. My boss is out of the country and there really is nothing pressing to do at work on this Friday.
SO I am staying home and thinking how to spend my day. Yup, woke up at 4:00 in the morning, coffee and think.
Think. think. think.
HOW?
If this is your last day on earth, how will you spend it?
later.
I cannot think.
I cannot EVEN falsely imagine the last day on earth is today, more so on how I am spending it, considering it’s already lunch time. Meaning, I already blew my half of the last 24-hours of my life.
SO rewind and say I just opened my eyes and got out of bed at 4:00 in the morning today. Yes, pretty early to start my day but it is Friday and last day of work … what a coincidence that it coincides with the last day on earth … right.
So I get up, thought that this is it, this is the LAST, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? How am I gonna start? HOW?
I cannot think.
So since I need a dose of caffeine, I did my short prayer ritual, sign of the cross and thank God for this LAST day and off to the kitchen.
It is cold, isn’t it? So coffee is good. I cannot stay and drink coffee, all by myself, in the deafening silence of the house. So I have to turn the TV on and it’s Jay Leno, a re-run from its usual midnight run. Coffee and TV, a good start, maybe.
Why didn’t I spend the day at home? I mean, it’s the last day, right?
SO in my last day, I’m not working. NOPE. My boss is out of the country and there really is nothing pressing to do at work on this Friday.
SO I am staying home and thinking how to spend my day. Yup, woke up at 4:00 in the morning, coffee and think.
Think. think. think.
HOW?
If this is your last day on earth, how will you spend it?
later.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Nonsense ... DO NOT READ
You know that feeling of waiting?
I thought I’m that kind of girl. The type who can wait, wait, and wait …. And wait. I really, seriously think I am one who can actually be patient, calm, non-aggressive and non-violent and will actually allow time to pass by until what I want happens.
I thought.
I’ve been known to be a girl who is extremely patient, who waits for friends in meeting places for two hours, just reading in a bookstore, or wait my turn in a long, standing line in a bank, or allow someone to just speak and I listen even my eyes are dropping to boredom until the person finishes ….. I can wait, really. I thought before it’s one of my greatest qualities. Patience. Endurance.
I thought. But not today.
All I want is some time, one text, one hello, initiated preferably by him, but ok if just a response to my greeting …. But none, de nada, nothing, zero …. At this point, I am very frustrated, I want to scream, really. I do not understand, I cannot accept any reasons, I do not care what happened to him or what he is doing …. What I know is I am waiting extremely and my patience has ran out.
It was my fault, anyway. I wasn’t suppose to text him. I was suppose to leave him alone, do not give him any reason to notice I exist, as a matter of fact. Just make him forget about me and allow him to be busy with whatever he is busy with …
But I DO want to text him, I followed my impulse even before my brain tells me otherwise; I want to give him the reason to know I exist; I want him to stop being busy with whatever he is busy with and think of me, even for just a blink of an eye.
Urgh!
But what good will this do? This lashing on a blog which seems too personal and shouldn’t be posted at all …. If you ask me, I shouldn’t even be writing this at all. Normally, I just talk to a friend but can’t wait for tonight to talk. And when I have really gone over the top, I normally do not talk. So I’m writing.
Thinking this through, I think I am the one bringing all this frustrations in. I mean, this is my fault. I am the one hanging on to him even if I know, knew and will know that he will NEVER have the time … at least in the next few months… to even BOTHER texting, replying, talking, getting-out-of-his-way to communicate with me.
Tough luck I always have.
What is wrong with me? What thrill do I get waiting for a guy who obviously ain’t gonna happen in my life? Could it be true that I am such a poor judgment of what I want or what I need? I think I need a new person to replace me. Actually, I’ve been feeling that lately. Needing a new person to replace me.
I am just extremely frustrated.
Clearly, I am not me today. And clearly, this guy affects me in many ways new to me. The guy I knew before, I can vent out my frustrations on him. I can scream, kick, turn into iceberg cold (which is more often the best and most leathal weapon that gets him) treatment on him and I even cry after (not with him within the proximity, of course). And it’s good. Because I communicate, I convey what I feel. It relieves me of the frustrations.
But now?! I am doomed. If I convey to him what I feel right now, I think he wouldn’t care. He won’t, really. Why? Because he is busy and he doesn’t have the time. He doesn’t even have the time to feel anything.or does he?
Can I just accept that the reality could be that he is not interested?
Maybe I should just begin this dialogue I have with myself and tell me that he is not interested. I mean, if he is, he will have the time, he will find the time and he will … he will seek me, see me, give me a pop of HIs or HELLOs, let me know that he knows I am alive. That should be it, isn’t it? Right?
BUT ….….I have this thing this year … some sort of a promise … drastic change. Meaning, I will NOT be the person that I was last year who WAITED for change to happen. My aim this year is drastic change. Actions that I have never done before BUT should have done in the first place, must not happen. I mean, I need to take A STEP. Towards something I want, something I need … something that WILL make me happy … or at least I think, that will make me happy.
Does he make me happy?
Right now, he frustrates me.
And I don’t know how “happy” he can make me feel …. But I do know he makes me smile. And for someone like me who has really been semi-void of emotional realities for years, I think making me smile is good. Pretty good, actually. The past guys, they don’t make me smile as much as I want to. They make my forehead crease, my mouth pout, my eyes dry but crying … in short, they make me so far from being happy.
SO maybe he is INDEED busy. The field he’s in, it’s not really the eight-to-five, one-hour-lunch break, 15-minutes-coffee break type. He really has his hands full at times and when I say full, it could mean not even having the time to go to the loo or doing work-ups til he drops or writing summaries or suturing or walking his rounds and talking to patients or …. There could really be plenty of reasons, is what I am trying to drive at.
OR, it could be he is not at all interested.
In which case, I should end this now and think of drastic change.
Later.
I thought I’m that kind of girl. The type who can wait, wait, and wait …. And wait. I really, seriously think I am one who can actually be patient, calm, non-aggressive and non-violent and will actually allow time to pass by until what I want happens.
I thought.
I’ve been known to be a girl who is extremely patient, who waits for friends in meeting places for two hours, just reading in a bookstore, or wait my turn in a long, standing line in a bank, or allow someone to just speak and I listen even my eyes are dropping to boredom until the person finishes ….. I can wait, really. I thought before it’s one of my greatest qualities. Patience. Endurance.
I thought. But not today.
All I want is some time, one text, one hello, initiated preferably by him, but ok if just a response to my greeting …. But none, de nada, nothing, zero …. At this point, I am very frustrated, I want to scream, really. I do not understand, I cannot accept any reasons, I do not care what happened to him or what he is doing …. What I know is I am waiting extremely and my patience has ran out.
It was my fault, anyway. I wasn’t suppose to text him. I was suppose to leave him alone, do not give him any reason to notice I exist, as a matter of fact. Just make him forget about me and allow him to be busy with whatever he is busy with …
But I DO want to text him, I followed my impulse even before my brain tells me otherwise; I want to give him the reason to know I exist; I want him to stop being busy with whatever he is busy with and think of me, even for just a blink of an eye.
Urgh!
But what good will this do? This lashing on a blog which seems too personal and shouldn’t be posted at all …. If you ask me, I shouldn’t even be writing this at all. Normally, I just talk to a friend but can’t wait for tonight to talk. And when I have really gone over the top, I normally do not talk. So I’m writing.
Thinking this through, I think I am the one bringing all this frustrations in. I mean, this is my fault. I am the one hanging on to him even if I know, knew and will know that he will NEVER have the time … at least in the next few months… to even BOTHER texting, replying, talking, getting-out-of-his-way to communicate with me.
Tough luck I always have.
What is wrong with me? What thrill do I get waiting for a guy who obviously ain’t gonna happen in my life? Could it be true that I am such a poor judgment of what I want or what I need? I think I need a new person to replace me. Actually, I’ve been feeling that lately. Needing a new person to replace me.
I am just extremely frustrated.
Clearly, I am not me today. And clearly, this guy affects me in many ways new to me. The guy I knew before, I can vent out my frustrations on him. I can scream, kick, turn into iceberg cold (which is more often the best and most leathal weapon that gets him) treatment on him and I even cry after (not with him within the proximity, of course). And it’s good. Because I communicate, I convey what I feel. It relieves me of the frustrations.
But now?! I am doomed. If I convey to him what I feel right now, I think he wouldn’t care. He won’t, really. Why? Because he is busy and he doesn’t have the time. He doesn’t even have the time to feel anything.
Can I just accept that the reality could be that he is not interested?
Maybe I should just begin this dialogue I have with myself and tell me that he is not interested. I mean, if he is, he will have the time, he will find the time and he will … he will seek me, see me, give me a pop of HIs or HELLOs, let me know that he knows I am alive. That should be it, isn’t it? Right?
BUT ….
Does he make me happy?
Right now, he frustrates me.
And I don’t know how “happy” he can make me feel …. But I do know he makes me smile. And for someone like me who has really been semi-void of emotional realities for years, I think making me smile is good. Pretty good, actually. The past guys, they don’t make me smile as much as I want to. They make my forehead crease, my mouth pout, my eyes dry but crying … in short, they make me so far from being happy.
SO maybe he is INDEED busy. The field he’s in, it’s not really the eight-to-five, one-hour-lunch break, 15-minutes-coffee break type. He really has his hands full at times and when I say full, it could mean not even having the time to go to the loo or doing work-ups til he drops or writing summaries or suturing or walking his rounds and talking to patients or …. There could really be plenty of reasons, is what I am trying to drive at.
OR, it could be he is not at all interested.
In which case, I should end this now and think of drastic change.
Later.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
From Meredith Grey
"A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. What he meant is nothing comes without a price.
So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."
from Dr. Meredith Grey
later.
So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."
from Dr. Meredith Grey
later.
Kind Eyes and Nice Smile
I met someone.
There was an instant thought that came across my head. I looked at him and thought I could look at this guy for a while, maybe grab a chair, put my hand under my chin and just stare (impolite as it may seem).
He is not the typical tall, dark and handsome, with the most amazing, charming personality and an overflowing sex appeal that all girls will just go ga-ga over. Actually, he is NOT at all the tall, dark, handsome type. He's horizontally-challenged .. okey, a bit of a fatty but NOT that FAT ... the cute kind of chubbiness you want your baby to be ... a bit pale and ... cute. CUTE, yes, definitely, I'd like to use that adjective in describing him.
He has kind eyes and nice smile.... corny? BUT HE DOES.
I just can't forget that smile, how his boyish face lit up, the way the small chinky eyes come into life and how his eyes looks at you and somehow conveys the sincerity in his soul... and this is after his very tired day at the hospital.
I am the cheesiest of the cheesiest, man! Here I am, talking about eyes and smile .... corny corny corny ...
But I'd really really like to see those eyes ... and how he smiles again ... maybe to me, next time. He did smile to me one time but it was a shy smile ...
later.
There was an instant thought that came across my head. I looked at him and thought I could look at this guy for a while, maybe grab a chair, put my hand under my chin and just stare (impolite as it may seem).
He is not the typical tall, dark and handsome, with the most amazing, charming personality and an overflowing sex appeal that all girls will just go ga-ga over. Actually, he is NOT at all the tall, dark, handsome type. He's horizontally-challenged .. okey, a bit of a fatty but NOT that FAT ... the cute kind of chubbiness you want your baby to be ... a bit pale and ... cute. CUTE, yes, definitely, I'd like to use that adjective in describing him.
He has kind eyes and nice smile.... corny? BUT HE DOES.
I just can't forget that smile, how his boyish face lit up, the way the small chinky eyes come into life and how his eyes looks at you and somehow conveys the sincerity in his soul... and this is after his very tired day at the hospital.
I am the cheesiest of the cheesiest, man! Here I am, talking about eyes and smile .... corny corny corny ...
But I'd really really like to see those eyes ... and how he smiles again ... maybe to me, next time. He did smile to me one time but it was a shy smile ...
later.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Silence
I was reading Paulo Coelho's Warrior of the Light newsletter the other day and this caught my attention. The phrase came from a Jesuit monk by the name of Anthony Mello.
"Talk only if you can make the silence better"
There are many chances in our lives wherein it is really better to allow the silence to speak ... but if sound needs to interfere with this speaking, then let it be better than the serenity of peace.
later.
"Talk only if you can make the silence better"
There are many chances in our lives wherein it is really better to allow the silence to speak ... but if sound needs to interfere with this speaking, then let it be better than the serenity of peace.
later.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Another One from Paulo Coelho
"Don't try to be coherent all the time; discover the joy of being a surprise to yourself. Being coherent is having always to wear a tie that mathces your socks. It means being obliged to keep tomorrow the same opinion you have today. What about the world, which is always in movement? As long as it doesn't harm anyone, change your opinion now and agian, and contradict yourself without feeling ashamed - you have a right to do that! It doesn't matter what the others may think - because they are going to think that way no matter what!"
later.
later.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Shut up and let me CRY
Let me get my bearings before blogging because in the past several months, I have lost almost all of it and felt I still have too much in me to unload.
In the eve of the New Year, I was crying. I stayed out of the house, doing the most unglamorous New Year’s Eve task of facing the barbeque grill, just so I don’t have to stay inside and mingle with my family. First time to cry on the eve of a new year, I must say. I’m not at all the “crying baby” most especially in times of the celebration of the New Year. As a matter of fact, I was always the infuriatingly loud, laughing, happy person in our circle and who is often the most excited about new beginnings, more so New Year.
But the pain of 2006 was too much for me. The accumulation of all my sorrow, pain, unspoken emotions, failed beginnings, bitter endings that the parting year has given me was too much for me to bear that I broke down and cried.
I cannot imagine how the year 2006 made me feel and how I survived it. Or have it?
I cried over a man, I cried over a job, I cried over a friend, I cried over an illness, I cried over a death…. cried A LOT, actually. I have cried so much than I’ve cried in over 5 years. I was crushed and I felt alone and sad and bitter and empty. Up until now, that it’s the 4th of January, tears may not be falling down my eyes, but I am crying inside.
What a 2006 it has been. It made me lack the will to go on and move on and start to live and face the coming 2007.
What am I gonna do with 2007? Where all of my last year was a failure, how am I gonna start 2007 right? I do not want to think or write the cliché of being thankful of the year that passed, of how it made me stronger, of how I will reap all the benefits of the past hardships in the future … I KNOW THAT ….and I will THINK of that …. the space here is NOT for that …. Right now, I am hurting and in pain and for once, I just want to feel HUMAN and cry.
So I did. And I lived. And I am here.
Back to the question, how will my 2007 will be?
Many people think that they have all the power to live their lives in accordance to their will. IT IS TRUE. I agree. We are all a result of all the decisions we made, decisions we took when we have that power to rule our destiny…
But on the other hand, there are simple events in our lives WE HAVE NO RULE OVER. NO power to change, NO supremacy to steer the wheel … NONE.
So do we find a balance for this?
A balance between deciding on the matter, having the power over it and accepting that when the result is not the end we want, we leave it all to the idea that “it’s not our call to make”?
Maybe. Maybe not.
What I need in 2007 is a boyfriend, I think. But I don’t want to cry anymore.
When the master sees that the warrior is depressed, he says:
‘You are not what you seem to be in these moments of sadness. You are better than that.
‘Many have left – for reasons we will never understand – but you are still here. Why did God carry off all those amazing people and leave you?
‘By now, millions of people will have given up. They don’t get angry, they don’t weep, they don’t do anything; they merely wait for time to pass. They have lost the ability to react.
“You, however, are sad. That proves that your soul is still alive.’
©Paulo Coelho, p.245
Later.
In the eve of the New Year, I was crying. I stayed out of the house, doing the most unglamorous New Year’s Eve task of facing the barbeque grill, just so I don’t have to stay inside and mingle with my family. First time to cry on the eve of a new year, I must say. I’m not at all the “crying baby” most especially in times of the celebration of the New Year. As a matter of fact, I was always the infuriatingly loud, laughing, happy person in our circle and who is often the most excited about new beginnings, more so New Year.
But the pain of 2006 was too much for me. The accumulation of all my sorrow, pain, unspoken emotions, failed beginnings, bitter endings that the parting year has given me was too much for me to bear that I broke down and cried.
I cannot imagine how the year 2006 made me feel and how I survived it. Or have it?
I cried over a man, I cried over a job, I cried over a friend, I cried over an illness, I cried over a death…. cried A LOT, actually. I have cried so much than I’ve cried in over 5 years. I was crushed and I felt alone and sad and bitter and empty. Up until now, that it’s the 4th of January, tears may not be falling down my eyes, but I am crying inside.
What a 2006 it has been. It made me lack the will to go on and move on and start to live and face the coming 2007.
What am I gonna do with 2007? Where all of my last year was a failure, how am I gonna start 2007 right? I do not want to think or write the cliché of being thankful of the year that passed, of how it made me stronger, of how I will reap all the benefits of the past hardships in the future … I KNOW THAT ….and I will THINK of that …. the space here is NOT for that …. Right now, I am hurting and in pain and for once, I just want to feel HUMAN and cry.
So I did. And I lived. And I am here.
Back to the question, how will my 2007 will be?
Many people think that they have all the power to live their lives in accordance to their will. IT IS TRUE. I agree. We are all a result of all the decisions we made, decisions we took when we have that power to rule our destiny…
But on the other hand, there are simple events in our lives WE HAVE NO RULE OVER. NO power to change, NO supremacy to steer the wheel … NONE.
So do we find a balance for this?
A balance between deciding on the matter, having the power over it and accepting that when the result is not the end we want, we leave it all to the idea that “it’s not our call to make”?
Maybe. Maybe not.
What I need in 2007 is a boyfriend, I think. But I don’t want to cry anymore.
When the master sees that the warrior is depressed, he says:
‘You are not what you seem to be in these moments of sadness. You are better than that.
‘Many have left – for reasons we will never understand – but you are still here. Why did God carry off all those amazing people and leave you?
‘By now, millions of people will have given up. They don’t get angry, they don’t weep, they don’t do anything; they merely wait for time to pass. They have lost the ability to react.
“You, however, are sad. That proves that your soul is still alive.’
©Paulo Coelho, p.245
Later.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Half Alive, Half Dead
its been a while since i actually had the courage to once again open my heart and allow my readers to see what's in it.
im writing because i miss this... to some, writing is therapeutic ... to some, past time .. to some, relief ... to me? .... i dont know anymore what is writing about. even this part of me, this passion in me, had died down ... slowly buried in the deepest of my soul.
im blogging because i realised i need to weigh down the balance between life and death in my existence. weigh it down towards living instead of dying ...
its was hard for me, this past two months. losing someone over a heartbreak is tough ... but losing someone over a "soul" break is far more unimaginable.
yes, i lost one of the most important person in my life. death is something man can never comprehend ... can never actually fathom by mere imagination or vision of whatsoever. death is reality. yet a reality that us humans can never ever grasp, can never and will never understand ...
but we are living. even to understand life is unimaginable itself.
i am half living and half dying. you know the feeling of just floating in between something, somewhere, without nowehere to go or nothing to do or just simply going back and forth in space... that's me. i get up, i live, i sleep. i get up, i live, i sleep. i get up, i live, i sleep.
i get up, i live, i sleep.
to find someone to trap me down, extinguish me, and wake me ... each day, i pray.
up to when i will go on half living and half dying ... even the words of Warrior Paulo Coelho cannot penetrate the zombie in me ...
i need to die to live .... or live to die ...
later.
im writing because i miss this... to some, writing is therapeutic ... to some, past time .. to some, relief ... to me? .... i dont know anymore what is writing about. even this part of me, this passion in me, had died down ... slowly buried in the deepest of my soul.
im blogging because i realised i need to weigh down the balance between life and death in my existence. weigh it down towards living instead of dying ...
its was hard for me, this past two months. losing someone over a heartbreak is tough ... but losing someone over a "soul" break is far more unimaginable.
yes, i lost one of the most important person in my life. death is something man can never comprehend ... can never actually fathom by mere imagination or vision of whatsoever. death is reality. yet a reality that us humans can never ever grasp, can never and will never understand ...
but we are living. even to understand life is unimaginable itself.
i am half living and half dying. you know the feeling of just floating in between something, somewhere, without nowehere to go or nothing to do or just simply going back and forth in space... that's me. i get up, i live, i sleep. i get up, i live, i sleep. i get up, i live, i sleep.
i get up, i live, i sleep.
to find someone to trap me down, extinguish me, and wake me ... each day, i pray.
up to when i will go on half living and half dying ... even the words of Warrior Paulo Coelho cannot penetrate the zombie in me ...
i need to die to live .... or live to die ...
later.
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