Half Alive, Half Dead

its been a while since i actually had the courage to once again open my heart and allow my readers to see what's in it.

im writing because i miss this... to some, writing is therapeutic ... to some, past time .. to some, relief ... to me? .... i dont know anymore what is writing about. even this part of me, this passion in me, had died down ... slowly buried in the deepest of my soul.

im blogging because i realised i need to weigh down the balance between life and death in my existence. weigh it down towards living instead of dying ...

its was hard for me, this past two months. losing someone over a heartbreak is tough ... but losing someone over a "soul" break is far more unimaginable.

yes, i lost one of the most important person in my life. death is something man can never comprehend ... can never actually fathom by mere imagination or vision of whatsoever. death is reality. yet a reality that us humans can never ever grasp, can never and will never understand ...

but we are living. even to understand life is unimaginable itself.

i am half living and half dying. you know the feeling of just floating in between something, somewhere, without nowehere to go or nothing to do or just simply going back and forth in space... that's me. i get up, i live, i sleep. i get up, i live, i sleep. i get up, i live, i sleep.

i get up, i live, i sleep.

to find someone to trap me down, extinguish me, and wake me ... each day, i pray.

up to when i will go on half living and half dying ... even the words of Warrior Paulo Coelho cannot penetrate the zombie in me ...

i need to die to live .... or live to die ...

later.

Diagnosis

At this point, while I am literally ALONE in the office and laziness to deal with my work has hit me, I am blogging to unload the burden of my heart who has experienced many dilemma for the past months, weeks, days... what about love .... ahh, i don't want to write anymore. The mere mention of the reason why I am writing gives me the creeps. But much as I'd like to admit, I am a hopeless and helpless romantic. Blame it on the novels I have read since I was 10 years of age. I just stopped reading on romantic novels few years back with the realization that all i inherited from it are insane ideas that love makes the world go round.

Yup, cynic, that's me. I have been called that several times. Oh, not to mention insensitive and freak when it comes to matters of the heart. Me, freak? What, do I have 3 legs and 2 heads? Freak ... tsk tsk ...

Two weeks ago,I have experienced difficulty in breathing for a week. Diagnosis? Suppression of Feelings and Coercion to Divert Attention Syndrome. Ever heard of it?

I never expected this is possible. Am i getting too old hiding my feelings? When i was a bit younger, i have no worries on how i will hold my breath and expel it after taunting emotions, gripping of heart, stoppage of brain cells occur. It was easy.

But now ....

what has changed? Is it me? Am i THAT old? or is it the intensity of emotions I an unequipped to deal with?

Ah... I promised that I will not analyze, I will not think, I will not talk about it ... but ... to forget is painful much as waiting is, as Paulo Coelho said. Which to do is the worse kind.

Where am I?

Later.