The year that was .... 2005

The first 6 months of the year was fine ... the other half was suicide .... I fell in love.

There are always "things" in life to be grateful for, especially the year 2005 ... family, friends, love ones, opportunities, trials, failures, success ... and so much more to mention one by one ...

But the highlight of the year 2005 in my personal life is love. Yes, i fell in love and it was ... i don't know. What should love be? Happiness? Pain? I cannot understand the depth in mere emotional or physical description.

I fell in love ... and its a continious downfall, not having reached the bottom pit yet .... its still free falling, without any sense, without any reasons.

*sigh.

Defining my whole year with mere words is crucial. it was a good year, great, ... the best? not yet, I hope. I'm thinking of the year to come ... 2006 .... maybe, just maybe (with a hopeful glee in heart), it will be the best ..

later.

untitled

this was something I unearthed from the drafts of my blogger dated november 18. i can't remember what was going through my mind while i was writing this. anyways, here it is .... maybe whoever's reading this can relate.

can you imagine? She is the world to the boy and he is to the girl.

Their world clashed on that fateful summer day of August, when the sun intensely bake the mold of their frienship, the crust of love that emerge between two souls.

From the moment they have found solace in the eyes of each, none in this world can pull them apart. Is perfection possible in this realm? in this reality? For the love binding the two and the lives they lead is perfection indeed.

the heavy weight of weakness does not understand the will and power of the heart. the infinity of dreams seems small in the vastness of the universe ... a small feat to effortlessly conquer the storm that clouds the serenity of the ocean as the frightening beauty of the ligthning strikes.

later.

Find a Guy ....

I got this from an email ... it makes sense ... find a guy who is truly a man and not busy pretending to be someone else.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
Who calls you back when you hang up on him,
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
Who holds your hand in front of his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

And if you have already found him....hang on tight!

later.

List

Here are some of the things I want to do …..

Write a book/ pray in St.Peter’s Church, Vatican City/ meet the Pope/ join a choir/ watch a rock concert/ vsist Egypt and India/ talk to a secluded nun/ climb a mountain/ work in U.N./ be a guest in Oprah/ go to Amanpulo/ scuba dive/ plant a tree/ learn pole dancing/ be a bride/ go to Harvard/ go to an intensive regimen/ cook paella/ visit Russia/ cook for him/ send flowers to him/ learn to skate on ice/ bear a child/ learn yoga/ give birth/ tech a dog a trick/ visit Africa/ clean a fish/ attend an acting / go skating (ice or water)/ learn how to play a musical instrument/ visit old churches in the Philippines/ be a good mother and wife/ read a poem in a class/ buy a digital camera (top of the line)/ record a song/ accept an award and give an acceptance speech/ join a rally (of an important cause, of course)/ be on tv or movie/ paint a masterpiece/ wear a bikini in Boracay (or Amanpulo)/ go see my half-sisters/ stop thinking of the –ex’es/ organize a sustainable program for needy children and elderly/ donate blood/ take nanay tuding to a country drive/ wear stilettos/ be in a duyan under a tree with nanay tuding or him/ campo out with him/ join a sports competition/ dye my hair auburn red/ arrange my own wedding/ travel the world in 30 days/ teach in a nigh school education for adults/ watch Wimbledon or NBA games (Finals)/ hold a snake or lizard/ create a rose or flower garden/ watch a plays or theaters/ speak in a very large audience/ sit-in a class of a distinguished teacher/ have my portrait painted by an artist/ attend a UN assembly/ be lost in a strange country and love it/ talk to the president (of any country)/ learn Chinese, Spanish, French/ tell him I love him / scream on top of the Eiffel Tower … later

1 Corinthians 13

Love
1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

A Quote from Paolo Coelho

I like reading novels of Paolo Coelho and one that caught my thought is this one from his novel "By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept"

" If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

I just want to share it with you ...

Swept Away

I never had anything happen so fast
I took one look and I shattered like glass
I guess I let it show 'cause your smile told me you knew
That you're everything I ever wanted at onceT
here's no holding this heart when it knows what it wants
And I never wanted anything more than to know you

I was swept awayNo one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I was swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the dayI was swept away

And so it begins
This journey of love
The summer wind carries us to places all our own
The words of a lookThe language of touch
The way that you want me means so much
And I never wanted anything more than to love you
I was swept awaySeeing my tomorrows in your eyes
I was swept away

I hope I wake up soonI'm a victim of that crazy moon
The very first time you said my nameI knew it would never sound the same
Something about me is changed forever

Fallin'

have you ever felt this unseen push and pull ofsomething extraordinary and yet you cannot explain itnor put in mere words the description of what you truly feel?

i plan not to write about this and yet i want to sowhen all this is over ... or not ... then i have this piece to read and remember this time of my life when clouds set in and the height of fear is as scary as falling from the zenith of a mountain without anything to hold on to.

falling .... yes, now i know why being in love is called "falling" than actually "climbing" .

you fall and wham! it hits you right at the face. you tried to duck, avoid the impact but it will hit you when it does. and what you can do? feel the emotions it builds slowly from its source, a mixture of boiling and freezing points ... stopping whatever you're doing and just allow nothing but for everything to set in...

i see him and i duck, avoid the impact, even run sofar away ... but what can i do but when my heart is pounding, my smile is giving me away and my head isnothing short but gray matters of him? i have tried to set free myself and feel but when i allow it to happen, i can actually imagine myself in thatmountain, my feet just an inch away from the crash.

so i hold on tight, close my eyes and pray. should i fall or not .... this i ask when i was already fallin' ...

i pray. i pray that the next coming of time, i will see clarity of things, vivid imaginations put into reality, emotions put into action ... you and me.

maybe my next blog will be a different story to tell ....

later. :)

Dad

I dreamt of my dad last night. He was a ghost, as usual (am i making this sound casual?), and he was sitting beside me.

It's always my wish every night to dream of my dad. I miss him. I feel that a way to be with him, see him, feel him, is during the depths of the night, in the middle of my unconsciousness.

And he was with me last night. I cannot remember everything that transpired in my dream. It was very vague to me. But I do know he told me something.

"Live a happy life. Enjoy your life."

This morning, I thought of how my life is. I wake up, I watch the morning news, I prepare for work, travel to work, be at work, go home, sleep. This is my routine everyday.

Just now, I think of my dad and the life he has lived here on earth.

I didn't grow up with him. He was just in and out my life as he had a new family already when I was growing up. I just see him, sure, when he visits my grandma and his family almost everyday but I never really lived with him for a long time to actually know how life has been to him.

But despite the seemingly distant relationship I may have with him, I do understand what he wants me to do. To enjoy my life. To be happy.

That, I will do. Enjoy and be happy. For as long as I know I have my reverence to God, respect for others, love to share, I know happiness is an easy task to do.

later.

Smile

I can't help smiling these past few days?

Why? Beats me.

Am I inlove? Goodness ... I miss that heart wrenching, stomach gruelling feeling of being in the state of craziness ... but I don't think I am.

Maybe it's because of this wonderful Korean televonela Lovers In Paris. Yup, I watched and I got hooked. I'm not the usual avid viewer of telenovelas, be it Filipino-made, or American or Korean. It bores me. I will watch the first few episodes then I get sleepy and priority sets in ... I sleep.

But I watched this Korean program and it made me laugh and cry and make me realise that Koreans are pretty good story tellers.I have heard the story before, though. Poor girl, rich man, fell in love, another man intervenes, the family gets in the way, the leads parted ways and then saw each other back in Paris.Typical huh?! But not so that I watched it, I guess.

But what makes me smile these days? What puts that wide stretch on my face, a thoughtful sweet sigh ... I'm sick! hahaha ... I don't know. A guy? Hmmm ... I'm sure it's more than the telenovela. So between that and a guy .. I guess, it's the latter.

It's a stupid high school crush, goodness!

I saw him. He's tall, and handsome, and amazingly intelligent and charming ... now I'm smiling again ... he's dark skinned, well built, funny, ... ok, STOP!

I still sleep outright at night ... but after a few hours of communion with God, I have few minutes to think of someone and smile ... then sleep.

Cheesy, eh?!

later.

EMPTY SPACE

Hmm ....

















Much as I want to write everyday in this online "Journal of Thoughts', I can't.

Why? Because I have nothing to write! As in!See that BLANK space above? That's my head at night.

How pathetic, eh?

I remember telling my friend that most of the time, at night, I would go straight to my bed, and after some communion with God, I go straight to sleep ... yep! without a single thought to think of.

It bothers me sometimes when I realised that there should at least be something or someone I think of before slumbering.

But NADA. NONE. NOTHING.

Odd? Maybe I'm not in love, Or maybe I have too few of a problem to think of, Or Im just too tired to think at night.

Whichever it is, it bothers me. Again, odd, eh? Because I AM A THINKER. I do not talk too much or do action too much ... I am a person born to brood over matters, stuff, things ....

... but then maybe I have changed ...

... good or bad?


Please help me figure.

later.

Tsunami: December 26, 2004

It's been over two weeks since the fateful day of Dec. 26 had passed.

It is only now that I muster the the words to write and excruciatingly choose the very fibers of what I feel about what happened.

I was not in any place where the tsunami struck. I was home, preparing for my party on the night of the 26th, very far from the areas where the giant wave destroyed lives and properties in incomprehsible magnitude. I only saw the news at CNN in the early morning of the 27th, several hours after the party I attended and several hours after killer waters have taken hundreds of thousands of lives.

I was in a numb feeling, as days following the event began to unfold before the eyes of the whole world. Tens of thousands of lives were lost, young and old, rich or poor. The properties were destroyed, lands were erased from the map. The unfathomable reflection of the effects of the tsunami was devastingting not only to those who were directly involved to the victims but to everyone in the world who has the eyes to see, the heart to feel and the mind to comprehend.

For days, I must admit, I was a freaking example of those affected. I would ride the car to work, and while I was travelling, I would sometimes stop and think how huge a 30 feet wave would look like. And more significantly, how I would react if it's already in my face, towering over. It gives me creeps, it scares me to death! My finite mind CANNOT imagine it, no, I cannot. But it has happened. I have seen how such waves struck the people in shock and with not even a warning, through the videos and photos taken by those fortunate to survive the tragedy.

Those people in Thailand or Indonesia or Sri Lanka and all other affected countries tried to run but the water was fast and, not to mention, BIG. The fast waves hit the lands for only several minutes but it took with it the Andrews, the Samanthas, the Mohammeds, little Johns and little Marys, old man Davids and other faceless people who were buried in deep wrath of the waters.

For days, I tried not to watch television, avoid joining discussions on the devastation of the tsunami. Even for a while, I stopped talking to God. I was not angry to Him, of course not. But my heart cannot speak of the depth of what I feel to actually put into words what I want to pray to Him. In silence, I give Him my prayers. I let him hear my heart. He knows what I feel.

But more so, God knows what THEY feel. Those afflicted by the calamity, those hearts bleeding due to the tragedy, those minds who are confuse and cannot understand .... He hears them all and He remains in control.

Oh, in times like this, it is difficult to remain faithfuly strong to the God we deeply believe in. To explain to them, to even begin to explain to them, those whose children died, whose parents gone, whose house and business vanished, the existence of God, is anything but easy.

But more so, today, in this times of enormous stress, unimaginable grief, the seemingly endless sorrow, we must all hold on to something ... to someone ... to God.

God is with all of us. But most specially, He is closest at the moment to those who are tired and helpless and sad. He is closest to all of them THROUGH the faces of all those nameless people all over the world who, in the first hour after the devastation, were there with the victims. God is that person who carries the body of the dead, those who reach out the bowl of soup the victims can eat, those who endanger their own lives to make sure the other remaining survivors are seen and are saved.

The world has come into one body to reach out to Thailand, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Burma, India, Maldives, Somalia and all the other countries. This has been the role of God. To gather us all together and in one, move towards responsibility and care.

No one wills the tsunami to happen. NO ONE is to blame for what happened. No one.

I do not know how to end this blog. The words I have written is not even close to what I truly unearth in my sad heart and in my restless soul.For I know my sentiments of what transpired on the morning of December 26, 2004 will never end in my heart.

later.

2005

Can you imagine?

On New Year's Eve of 2004, I was writing in my journal and it just hit me ... it was just like yesterday when I was excited to watch on televesion all the celebration world wide of the Millenium Eve Party.

Cliche as it is, time does fly so fast.

When I was younger, it never came across my mind that new years are extra ordinary events in ones life, you know. It's just like another year, a party to celebrate, laughing, reunions on the first day of the year.

But then as I mature and age is added to my soul, I realised that each new turn of the leaf is another story of life, a new beginning, a new something. I don't know but don't you feel a sense of reborn every new year?

I do.

The year that passed was amazing. Lots of ups and downs, lots of laughs and cries. But you see, I consider such as a success ... a success that I am alive, I am here. The chairs in our new year's eve dinner table is still complete. That alone is enough for me to lift my gratitude to the One up there.

2005? Wow. Here it is. I think of this year with a smile. I always have a smile on my face every beginning of each year. It's somthing to smile about, hey. My friends have utterred words such as "this is our year", "this will be a great year" ... I believe so, yes. I told myself, this year is when all my dreams in life will come true. Such a high spirit, eh? But isn't the commencement of each year must also be the reborn of passion and dreams and hopes in life?

Ah. You must be saying it is easy for me to say this because I had a good 2004. On the contrary, I have had my roughest rides in waves of perplexities in the past year. I had problems like the rest, mend a broken heart, lost friends who went seeking their end of the rainbows, problems in life and death. My life was not as easy as you may have thought it was.

But I learned from my experience with my dad's death not to carry the baggage when you travel the road of life. Life isn't life if you do not have the downfall, the failure, the rejection, the pain. Everyone goes through life as everyone does. Rich or poor, old or young, we all go through the roads we take with some hindrances of sadness and suffering.

But we live on after. We carry on life despite everything.

And new years are good way to start.

I will make this 2005 the best year of my life. And maybe 2006 better than this "best" year. And the next be better than the last.

It means I will live, love, cry, laugh, take in everything with passion in my heart, everything that will happen to this 2005.

With abudant prayers, with unconditional love from my family and friends, from the greatness of God, I draw my strength.

Cheers to all for the best year of our life!

later.