I was thinking if I will ever write about this but I decided I might as well if only to exorcise in me the doubts and fears I refuse to feel at this point.
Seattle was a special place. The whole city is romantic. The weather was amazing. It was cool and very ideal for a fabulous walk downtown. I have learned that the days I was in this beatiful city was the only days when the weather is perfect in the city for this summer! After I left, the rain started kicking in. I was lucky. I would like think so.
But Seattle was more special, more than anything, because I met with someone. Well, he is someone I already know but we just decided to meet in this city. What was special was this man is someone I have a huge 'crush' on for YEARS! .... well, since 2007, to be exact. I have never even met him in person then, only in paper and yet I thought he was someone special. Too bad he was with his girlfriend the first time we talked. So the years went by with me just smiling all the time, knowing in my heart this guy is NEVER gonna happen to me! I have always been grounded in reality. Anyhow, to fast track the drama, after several years of hi and hello, few months of ignoring him and resigning myself to the nunnery, he asked me out! -- okay, up until now, I don't even want to call it "ask out" but for lack of better name on what he did, humour me by saying he did ask me out.
So days before I meet with him, there were emails and texts which I find myself feeling giddy all the time. I found myself forgetting past hurts and resignations and looking forward to a sunny day every day, counting the days until I finally arrive in Seattle.
So arrive I did. I was excited, of course, to see my family and, of course, to see him too. But in my mind and heart, I knew I should have not agreed to see him there at all. Why? --- ask me WHY? --- because I was too chicken for him, that's why. He was so darn cute and I am the lamest, most awkward 34-year old virgin so of course, I was scared. Who in the world wants to feel that, right? And believe me, I have felt every inch of my inexperienced, gullible, insecure self days before I met him. I was too scared to put something more than what may happen to us while together, eating or walking or talking but at the same time, I don't want to not feel what I should be feeling. I am dense, after all, as many of my close, beloved, trusted friends say all the time. I was too darn afraid that my heart will begin to skip again. I knew that I will not take things easy as I should -- oh yes, even if I want to. I knew it will create ripples in my acceptedly-boring state of life. I was OKAY. Well, I was fine. No ripples. No giddiness. I was content and quiet and subdued. Then this PERSON and EVENT happened and now I'm wondering what in the world was I thinking agreeing to see his guy stateside.
I may sound a little bit like I'm regretting the whole thing --- but the truth is I AM NOT. I wouldn't change anything at all of what happened. I had all sorts of analysis and maybe's and probably so's at the moment but I realize it may have been a one-time wonder in my life. Who in the world would have thought that this guy I have a 'crush' on for so long, whom I have always felt resigned and always thought to be far-fetched, would 'happen' to me? NOT ME! But happen it did. And being a solid believer of 'things happen for a reason' saying, I do believe he happened to me for a reason. What that reason is? I think I'm still waiting for the revelation of that reason myself. I have always thought he was a remedy for an ailing, breaking heart. .... But does that mean he, then, can make my heart ache and break?
Anyway, I haven't seen him yet since Seattle... I honestly do not know what I will do when I see him. I like him. There are 'things' I don't understand much about him, and, maybe not like at all about him but generally, I like him. He always have this nice smile that catches me off-guard. I learned he was a perfect gentleman. He isn't funny but that's okay -- well, not really but maybe I was far too nervous and dense to realize he was joking already. He was, I think, a fairly decent man. I've always thought he did all the things a guy is suppose to do on the 'first date'. Moi? Well, I've always thought that I was created by God while he was being tickled by the angels. I was perfectly awkward, I didn't do the right demure, sweet-girl personification, I stepped on his foot when we were saying goodbye --- I think I failed miserably. Seriously, I was a total turn-off!
I'm not sure what to do really when I see him. It would largely depend on how he will react too when he sees me. Because if I depend on me alone as to how I will see him again, I know for sure I would just say "Hey" and smile ... oh, and yes, maybe walk away too. I still feel giddy and shy. and yes, I still think he has such a melting smile.
So the Dreamboat had docked in Seattle. I am not sure if he will sail away ... or maybe has sailed away already.
I just want to tell myself that Seattle should suffice. I mean, it should, right? It maybe, and I'm thinking and saying this very positively here, that Seattle is a one-hit, one-time wonder, a once in a lifetime event that an 'unexpected' has happend to me. It's a good thing, right? It made me believe that hey, this stuff can happen to me too, what do you know?!! That for the first time, I wasn't sitting somewhere and listening to other woman talking about her date or a guy she went out with. That Seattle was my story to tell instead.
Bottom line, I should stop thinking that there may be a next time for me and this dreamboat.
Okay, I would stop thinking, then. Right now, right here. This is it. Done. Finish.
But I can pray, can I?
later.
