Catch Me If You Can

I don't think I'll be able to face tomorrow if I can't find the strength to face today.

There are a million and one things I need to let go in order to find my way tomorrow. In doing so, I have to conquer the days as it come. It's a spinning, tupsy turvy ride. The ups and downs are so obvious that the fluctuations make me dizzy.

There are people I need to let go, people that I have to let go. Holding on to them, much as it will keep them in my heart, will never help me face and receive the people that needs to come into my life right now.

There are emotions I need to face. If only to let go, I need to accept that I am in pain, I am hurt, I am abandoned, I am neglected, I am alone. Only through knowing and accepting that I am feeling all these that they will all go away.

There are moments I need to forget. In doing so, I'm pretty sure there is a chance to create other moments that will define my life from hereon.

I need to forgive myself. Before doing all of the above. Nothing beats the true wisdom of forgiving your own transgressions to yourself. Only then that moving forward is truly liberating.

I have to do this now. Or I may no longer be able to do it at all.

later.

Prayer

I know some years back, I've prayed that God allows it for me to be the first to go forth.

But He didn't answer my prayer.

Today is the proof of that.

later

Splat

No words. It happened.

Shiver

have you heard Coldplay's song Shiver? Beautiful song!

so fitting to what i'm feeling right now ...

Career advice

" When I am asked about career strategies, I respond that you need two things: a long-term dream and one- to two-year plan. A long-term dream allows you to work with purpose to achieve real fulfillment. A short-term plan makes sure you are learning and growing from the work you do each day. All the stuff in the middle is confusing at best and anxiety-producing at worst. If I had tried to connect those dots when I left college, I would never have worked at Google or Facebook, companies that did not even yet exist. When you try to plan every step, you miss opportunities. I believe that if you are open to opportunity and respect the people who share their dreams with you, the rest will take care of itself."

- Sheryl Sandberg (http://www.newsweek.com/2008/10/03/changing-the-world.html)

Something Real

"When you find something real, everything else falls in place ..."

what else is missing?

Can I?

... i really really REALLY would like to be in the middle of these four geeks!

Nanay

i thought it's time i write something about my grandmother.

she passed away few months ago. she was 93.

it was the most devastating time for me. i have been with her since day one of my life. i've always thought that my life is inconceivable, unimaginable without her in it. for months now, i've been trying to rebuild my life, trying to wrap my head around the thought that the one sturdy pillar of my life is gone forever. it's not easy. i'm still trying.

i still miss her EVERY SINGLE DAY. not one day had passed that i never thought of her, her face or her smile or her laughter, her gestures. i miss her so much it's an inexplicable feeling of overwhelming, tumultuos emotions: sadness, joy, love, regret, fear, anger, resignation.

she was someone who was constant in life. someone who is always there at every single moment ... now, it's as if a huge void has occupied a large part of my heart, my life. the one that was constant is gone.

it was not easy to let her go. i miss her smile whenever i tease her. i miss her gentle touch, a kind pat on my hair when i hug her, a compliment on my dress or how i smell ... on how i would immediately get my perfume and spray some on her and we would laugh silly.... the joke we constantly share despite her alzheimer, her naughty antics that makes me laugh so hard .... how she used to tuck me in bed when i was young, telling me to say my prayers .... how i used to tuck her in bed when she was old, telling her to say her prayers .... the moments when we were just together, silently living our lives but constantly aware of the importance of ourselves on each other's.

there is no one moment i don't miss. even the times when i was away, when i was working, when i'm with friends or i'm living my adult life ... i know that i have a home in her. that i belong to her, her little jang-jang.

her passing has wounded me, deep cut that penetrates within the core of my soul .... a mark that will leave a scar that i hope remains forever, if only it's one of her i can keep within me for as long as i live.

i miss you, nanay tuding. i can just imagine how fun the angels are enjoying all the loveliness you have shared with me in my life.

later.

Wish

a wise woman once told me, a long long time ago, to be brave and make a wish. that wise woman, who i dearly dearly miss, saw a future me that needs to make into reality the wish i made when i was young.

when you are young, y0u have the all the illustrous freedom, the compelling right, the worthy privilege to be brave and make a wish. it was given as a gift. a gift that at a young age most of us cannot comprehend as something special, something precious. when you're young, you can be brave, you can dream of anything you want to be, you wish to have, you need to do ... with no thoughts whatsoever of the whatifs and whatnots.

most often than not, there is not even a thought of not having that wish come true. in the heart and soul of the young, a wish is a wish come true.

i wonder ... can cowards make a wish too?

later.

Swing

i'm not sure if im ok but i feel fine today.

what i mean is, i've been going through a nudge at the moment, the swing of my life at the moment is not as consistent with its usual, normal boring swing. yesterday, it was a little strong, the swing of the highs and the lows of my emotions. i of course always chose to be silent, pensive, a bit distant when i feel this unbalance.

today was different, i guess. i was quiet but i wasn't as absorbed to my emotions as i was. maybe i was a little busier today than yesterday. but the swing of my emotions seems consistent, almost equal distance as it move, a little slow and steady.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring. the day hasn't ended yet, though, to be thinking of what tomorrow will be. i guess,i'd find out.

later.

writing what i feel .. feeling what i write ...

i don't think i can write about what i feel.

someone told me early this morning that i'm better off writing what i feel. but the thing is what i feel is not connected to what i think. let me explain myself. if i can think of not feeling what i am feeling right now, i wouldn't have anything to write at all as i would probably tell what i feel not to feel it instead so i wouldn't have anything to think. clearly, i feel a total disconnection between my thoughts and my emotions.

im harboring some deep-seated, inexplicable, irrational emotions i THINK i should not be FEELING.

later.