Nonsense ... DO NOT READ

You know that feeling of waiting?

I thought I’m that kind of girl. The type who can wait, wait, and wait …. And wait. I really, seriously think I am one who can actually be patient, calm, non-aggressive and non-violent and will actually allow time to pass by until what I want happens.

I thought.

I’ve been known to be a girl who is extremely patient, who waits for friends in meeting places for two hours, just reading in a bookstore, or wait my turn in a long, standing line in a bank, or allow someone to just speak and I listen even my eyes are dropping to boredom until the person finishes ….. I can wait, really. I thought before it’s one of my greatest qualities. Patience. Endurance.

I thought. But not today.

All I want is some time, one text, one hello, initiated preferably by him, but ok if just a response to my greeting …. But none, de nada, nothing, zero …. At this point, I am very frustrated, I want to scream, really. I do not understand, I cannot accept any reasons, I do not care what happened to him or what he is doing …. What I know is I am waiting extremely and my patience has ran out.

It was my fault, anyway. I wasn’t suppose to text him. I was suppose to leave him alone, do not give him any reason to notice I exist, as a matter of fact. Just make him forget about me and allow him to be busy with whatever he is busy with …

But I DO want to text him, I followed my impulse even before my brain tells me otherwise; I want to give him the reason to know I exist; I want him to stop being busy with whatever he is busy with and think of me, even for just a blink of an eye.

Urgh!

But what good will this do? This lashing on a blog which seems too personal and shouldn’t be posted at all …. If you ask me, I shouldn’t even be writing this at all. Normally, I just talk to a friend but can’t wait for tonight to talk. And when I have really gone over the top, I normally do not talk. So I’m writing.

Thinking this through, I think I am the one bringing all this frustrations in. I mean, this is my fault. I am the one hanging on to him even if I know, knew and will know that he will NEVER have the time … at least in the next few months… to even BOTHER texting, replying, talking, getting-out-of-his-way to communicate with me.

Tough luck I always have.

What is wrong with me? What thrill do I get waiting for a guy who obviously ain’t gonna happen in my life? Could it be true that I am such a poor judgment of what I want or what I need? I think I need a new person to replace me. Actually, I’ve been feeling that lately. Needing a new person to replace me.

I am just extremely frustrated.

Clearly, I am not me today. And clearly, this guy affects me in many ways new to me. The guy I knew before, I can vent out my frustrations on him. I can scream, kick, turn into iceberg cold (which is more often the best and most leathal weapon that gets him) treatment on him and I even cry after (not with him within the proximity, of course). And it’s good. Because I communicate, I convey what I feel. It relieves me of the frustrations.

But now?! I am doomed. If I convey to him what I feel right now, I think he wouldn’t care. He won’t, really. Why? Because he is busy and he doesn’t have the time. He doesn’t even have the time to feel anything. or does he?

Can I just accept that the reality could be that he is not interested?

Maybe I should just begin this dialogue I have with myself and tell me that he is not interested. I mean, if he is, he will have the time, he will find the time and he will … he will seek me, see me, give me a pop of HIs or HELLOs, let me know that he knows I am alive. That should be it, isn’t it? Right?

BUT …. ….I have this thing this year … some sort of a promise … drastic change. Meaning, I will NOT be the person that I was last year who WAITED for change to happen. My aim this year is drastic change. Actions that I have never done before BUT should have done in the first place, must not happen. I mean, I need to take A STEP. Towards something I want, something I need … something that WILL make me happy … or at least I think, that will make me happy.

Does he make me happy?

Right now, he frustrates me.

And I don’t know how “happy” he can make me feel …. But I do know he makes me smile. And for someone like me who has really been semi-void of emotional realities for years, I think making me smile is good. Pretty good, actually. The past guys, they don’t make me smile as much as I want to. They make my forehead crease, my mouth pout, my eyes dry but crying … in short, they make me so far from being happy.

SO maybe he is INDEED busy. The field he’s in, it’s not really the eight-to-five, one-hour-lunch break, 15-minutes-coffee break type. He really has his hands full at times and when I say full, it could mean not even having the time to go to the loo or doing work-ups til he drops or writing summaries or suturing or walking his rounds and talking to patients or …. There could really be plenty of reasons, is what I am trying to drive at.

OR, it could be he is not at all interested.

In which case, I should end this now and think of drastic change.

Later.

From Meredith Grey

"A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. What he meant is nothing comes without a price.
So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."

from Dr. Meredith Grey

later.

Kind Eyes and Nice Smile

I met someone.

There was an instant thought that came across my head. I looked at him and thought I could look at this guy for a while, maybe grab a chair, put my hand under my chin and just stare (impolite as it may seem).

He is not the typical tall, dark and handsome, with the most amazing, charming personality and an overflowing sex appeal that all girls will just go ga-ga over. Actually, he is NOT at all the tall, dark, handsome type. He's horizontally-challenged .. okey, a bit of a fatty but NOT that FAT ... the cute kind of chubbiness you want your baby to be ... a bit pale and ... cute. CUTE, yes, definitely, I'd like to use that adjective in describing him.

He has kind eyes and nice smile.... corny? BUT HE DOES.

I just can't forget that smile, how his boyish face lit up, the way the small chinky eyes come into life and how his eyes looks at you and somehow conveys the sincerity in his soul... and this is after his very tired day at the hospital.

I am the cheesiest of the cheesiest, man! Here I am, talking about eyes and smile .... corny corny corny ...

But I'd really really like to see those eyes ... and how he smiles again ... maybe to me, next time. He did smile to me one time but it was a shy smile ...

later.

Silence

I was reading Paulo Coelho's Warrior of the Light newsletter the other day and this caught my attention. The phrase came from a Jesuit monk by the name of Anthony Mello.

"Talk only if you can make the silence better"

There are many chances in our lives wherein it is really better to allow the silence to speak ... but if sound needs to interfere with this speaking, then let it be better than the serenity of peace.

later.

Another One from Paulo Coelho

"Don't try to be coherent all the time; discover the joy of being a surprise to yourself. Being coherent is having always to wear a tie that mathces your socks. It means being obliged to keep tomorrow the same opinion you have today. What about the world, which is always in movement? As long as it doesn't harm anyone, change your opinion now and agian, and contradict yourself without feeling ashamed - you have a right to do that! It doesn't matter what the others may think - because they are going to think that way no matter what!"

later.

Shut up and let me CRY

Let me get my bearings before blogging because in the past several months, I have lost almost all of it and felt I still have too much in me to unload.

In the eve of the New Year, I was crying. I stayed out of the house, doing the most unglamorous New Year’s Eve task of facing the barbeque grill, just so I don’t have to stay inside and mingle with my family. First time to cry on the eve of a new year, I must say. I’m not at all the “crying baby” most especially in times of the celebration of the New Year. As a matter of fact, I was always the infuriatingly loud, laughing, happy person in our circle and who is often the most excited about new beginnings, more so New Year.

But the pain of 2006 was too much for me. The accumulation of all my sorrow, pain, unspoken emotions, failed beginnings, bitter endings that the parting year has given me was too much for me to bear that I broke down and cried.

I cannot imagine how the year 2006 made me feel and how I survived it. Or have it?

I cried over a man, I cried over a job, I cried over a friend, I cried over an illness, I cried over a death…. cried A LOT, actually. I have cried so much than I’ve cried in over 5 years. I was crushed and I felt alone and sad and bitter and empty. Up until now, that it’s the 4th of January, tears may not be falling down my eyes, but I am crying inside.

What a 2006 it has been. It made me lack the will to go on and move on and start to live and face the coming 2007.

What am I gonna do with 2007? Where all of my last year was a failure, how am I gonna start 2007 right? I do not want to think or write the cliché of being thankful of the year that passed, of how it made me stronger, of how I will reap all the benefits of the past hardships in the future … I KNOW THAT ….and I will THINK of that …. the space here is NOT for that …. Right now, I am hurting and in pain and for once, I just want to feel HUMAN and cry.

So I did. And I lived. And I am here.

Back to the question, how will my 2007 will be?

Many people think that they have all the power to live their lives in accordance to their will. IT IS TRUE. I agree. We are all a result of all the decisions we made, decisions we took when we have that power to rule our destiny…

But on the other hand, there are simple events in our lives WE HAVE NO RULE OVER. NO power to change, NO supremacy to steer the wheel … NONE.

So do we find a balance for this?

A balance between deciding on the matter, having the power over it and accepting that when the result is not the end we want, we leave it all to the idea that “it’s not our call to make”?

Maybe. Maybe not.

What I need in 2007 is a boyfriend, I think. But I don’t want to cry anymore.

When the master sees that the warrior is depressed, he says:

‘You are not what you seem to be in these moments of sadness. You are better than that.

‘Many have left – for reasons we will never understand – but you are still here. Why did God carry off all those amazing people and leave you?

‘By now, millions of people will have given up. They don’t get angry, they don’t weep, they don’t do anything; they merely wait for time to pass. They have lost the ability to react.

“You, however, are sad. That proves that your soul is still alive.’

©Paulo Coelho, p.245

Later.