He's Not That Into You

Okay, so I've seen this movie a lot of times and I even read the book. I saw various movies in the long weekend I had, in between my road trip and some eating out and errands ... movies like Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, When Harry Met Sally, He Said She Said .... so today, on my last day of my long weekend, I thought I'd see He's Not That Into You ... and what do you know, I realized (again, for that matter!) that this guy I really, really, REALLY like is NOT that INTO me!

It wasn't actually a revelation. I think I'm the total opposite of Ginnifer Goodwin in the movie. When all of her (my friends!) tell her (me!) that the guy might be just, say, buying time to call her (me!), or ask her (me!) out on a date or is busy with work or is out of town, the truth is he isn't remotely interested to ask her (me!) out again. That he didn't forget to call, or email or whatever to ask her (me!) out. The reality of it is that the man is not interested at all!

And despite all the hopes that seems to surround her (me!), the reality is just right in front of her (me!). And as a BIG GIRL, I realized that this is something that has to be dealt with head on. That she (I am) is never the exception for this guy. She's (I'm) the rule.

I've always made it a belief that if the guy is truly interested, he will call. He will make things happen, right? And I believe that. If he isn't, then I should start forgetting about it. And so this guy I have been pining for has asked me out, treated me so special, flirted with me a bit and just was totally the perfect gentleman all through out ... and when we return to our natural element, he just didn't call, so to speak. What do I do? I pine and hope and expect and I was happy for a while. He would be nice and he would smile and he would talk to me but no, that 'date' was never asked again. Bottom line, I have been telling myself (at least that sensible, logical, rational self) that nah, he isn't gonna happen. Though a part of me still thinks that maybe he's busy or he's intimidated and will get the courage to ask me again. But NOW again is the time to tell me that it's not true. He is simply not interested. He is polite, he smiles a lot, he is a nice guy, after all. But I think I should stop pining and allow the sensible part of me to win this tug-of-war that I call insanity vs. sanity. To maybe give myself a little detachment from all these and return to focusing on other things that is happening in my life. And then MAYBE, when I get to stop to pine over a guy who clearly doesn't like me like I like him, I will get to meet a great guy who does.

Ok, this feels a lot better in writing so I'm writing this down. If in some days I feel like fooling myself again over this guy, I will read this.

But you know what, it does feel great to tell yourself all those wishful thinking at times. To make yourself hope and dream and wait that this great guy you like will one day realize, will wake up one day and tells himself that he loves you! .... As much as I want my life to be like the movies, it isn't.

So back to reality, my dear old self. Maybe the reality has something to offer far better than the delusions.

later.

Gush

I think I'm ready to fall in love with someone ... If I'm not in love already at all.

It's been a while and I've have had had moments I deny ... okay, several moments. But between me and God, between me and the whole world, I think I'm ready to put my heart out and fall in love.

Who is he? He's someone adorable. Someone I want to care for. Someone I want to talk with at the beginning of the day. Someone I want to talk with at the end of the day. Someone I want to share my family with. Someone I want to share my friends with. Someone I would like to be silent with. Someone to run around in the rain. Someone to tickle. Someone to dance with. Cook with. Wash dishes with. Cry with. Fight with. Make up with. Dream with. Love with.

Someone I can kneel with and pray.

I am ready. I don't know about him, though.

But I don't care. He makes me happy. I will be happy. In the end, I want us to be together. But if it doesn't work the way I hope and wish and pray for it to be, then, I know that he is someone who made me take a chance on love ... for the first time. For that, I fall all over again.

later.

Aberration

It seems that as the days go by, what had happened exactly a month and five days ago becomes seemingly as an aberration of my life.

I felt it was time to face the reality that not all good things that happened are happily ever after material.

But thinking about it, it still is a happy result, if only to end an ailing, broken heart and a revival of once belief that unexpected things can happen. TO ME. I never believed for once that such 'aberration' can happen in my life. I was proven wrong, of course.

But moving from what I thought was something that can further from the hopeful to some ground-breaking realities is not an easy feat as well as something that can not easily be tolerated as it turns out. What may have happened can perfectly be an aberration of some sort. Aberration that may perfectly mean a simple loop in the line. A line that eventually will continue to be so after that single swell.

I am happy of the aberration. I was happy of the aberration.

After all, it is an aberration, right?

later.

Dear God ...

I've been reading some interesting 'prayers' from children in an old email sent to me and I sent it again to my other friends to remind them that God truly is someone you can talk to anytime, anywhere, in however way you can and whatever words you can utter.

Here are some of my favorites ....

Dear God: My Mommy is sad a lot since Daddy went away. We can't find him. Can you?

Dear God: I'm sorry I forgot the words to your songs yesterday in Sunday School. I don't sing that good anyway so sometimes I just hum along. Is that o.k. with you?

Dear God: Do you like it when I pray to you? I do, too.

Dear God: My grandma is dying. She says you want her back with you, but I want her to stay here with me. You can have anyone you want. She's all I have, so please let her get better and stay.


Dear God: I saw a kangaroo and a buffalo today at the zoo. I like the lion best. What is your favorite? I think the ostrich is funny looking - did you do that on purpose?

Dear God: Why didn't you make me special? Cloe is specially pretty and Janine is specially smart. Ryan can run faster than anyone and wins all the races. Tina has perfect teeth. And Carmen can speak two languages. Did you forget to give me something special to be?

Dear God: My dog, Bowser is getting really old now. He gets up slowly and doesn't keep up with me anymore when we run. Mommy says he's going to die one day. Could you just make him a puppy again instead?

Dear God: Please make me pretty. Because I think I'm not very smart.

I've been praying all my life. I've been taught as a young little girl the importance of talking to God and telling him what I want. I've had a fairly stable relationship with God, I think. I've had times when I speak to him all the time, in all the odd moments, even odd places just so I can tell him what I was feeling. There were also times when I don't speak to him, when I couldn't find words to utter, to ask of Him what I want or what I need.

In however way I pray, I would always feel a sense of relief every single time I finish. I feel blessed already.

Today, I'm going to church and pray..... to always be a child when I do.

later.

Commitment

.. this is Hugh McLeod's cartoon .... as for its message? 'nuff said.