Lately, I have been feeling a constant nag of discontent in my system.I'm not sure if it's the hormonal pills that I was told to take by my doctor to treat some womanly disorder or my general feeling of emptiness of not having any actions or reactions in my life in the past few days. I'm not sure either if because this year marks my 35th year come May or because I feel a little dread that this new year is the same as last year's tumultous emotionally draining rollercoaster.
But I do feel a badger of gloominess. A melancholy that makes me feel lazy, sad, empty, unworthy, thoughtful, sensitive, cold and distant.
I cannot express it into any more than what I am writing right now. I do not know what I'm feeling. It is not the time of the month, last time I checked. Usually, I would reason this feeling of indolence to that. But I'm sure it's not.
I have been thinking seriously of trying something new. A new place. A new environment. A new atmosphere. I'm seriously contemplating working abroad, trying my luck out somewhere from these sphere I call safe. Part of these thoughts is also thinking the reasons why I cannot drive myself to start with my thesis, fearing that starting it may be the cause to peg me to stay or ending up not finishing it at all if I decided to move forward somewhere, somewhat, doing something else. I never want to start something I never wish to finish and I felt this may happen if I start working on it and I'd end up where I feel I don't want to be in the first place.
How darn scary it is to leap, anyway? I'm all for taking risks, why not. After all, I only have very few taken in my life so far. And at times, I think, I only took half of those I was suppose to. And then here I am. Years had gone, few leaps under my name. I'm a little old, maybe some grays and yet I've been thinking of leaps. See, there is the leap in place where you may have taken that leap and ended falling on the very same place you came from. And there is another one that takes you way out from where you began. I want to take the latter. The former has grown old on me, I think.
Now I'm not sure if taking that leap and landing on some place else will take me to where I truly want to be. But how in the world will I know if I don't try, right? Wrong! It is NOT so darn easy to go leaping and jumping and diving. You would still end up taking a run when you hit the ground, or swim until you reach the shore. It takes more than leaping to get there, wherever that is. Back-up plan, that's me. Always have that fall back when you take the plunge. Always. But I wonder how it feels to trust yourself with whatever the future holds? To just not think, to not blink but to just do it. Without any plans, without any expectations. I wonder. Isn't that what life is?
I think I need to do something else, something more. Time is of the essence. I felt change is needed. I feel it to my bones. I just am not sure how to step up and take the first leap. Yup, leap. I'm all for leaping.... This is a leap year, after all. Happens only every four years so why not, right?
Well, whatever it is, I hope to figure out soon.
Well, whatever it is, I hope to figure out soon.
later ... sooner, I hope. :-)
PS,
I have always wanted to try the exhilaration of jumping off a cliff. Join me, please?
