Hunk? Geek?

I have a new crush on this guy ... description?

Hunk on the outside. Geek on the inside. Perfect!

later.

PS, I wish I can post THE guy's picture .... maybe someday?

Wait for it.

Wait for it. Wait for somebody who is perfect for you. I don’t care how long you’ve been alone, or how easy it is to make excuses for somebody who makes you feel bad. I don’t care if it’s because you kind of like them, and I don’t care if you think it ‘could maybe work out.’ Wait for somebody who is good to you. It doesn’t matter if they make you giggle laugh, because if they give you that empty ‘i’m not hungry’ feeling in your stomach when they forget to call, they are not fucking worth it. They are never worth your bathroom tears or your constant ‘what do you think it means’ barrage to your friends. You are worth it. You are stupidly cool/sometimes lame but you have a human pulse and you don’t kill people and you deserve to be happy. Maybe this person will take forever, maybe it will take till next week. Who knows when they will get their lazy ass off the couch and come find you? However, until then, don’t put up with bullshit. Don’t put up with the bad feelings. Just go do your own thing until somebody fits your puzzle piece. It’ll be something for the books. Don’t fucking settle for anything less.

www.the-frenemy.com

See Saw

You know that feeling when you are the other end and you are just hanging up there, trying to figure out when the other person on other side will let you down gently or will just stand abruptly and leave?

Yup. Nasty, heart-wrenching, barely breathing feeling of not knowing what exactly it is you feel.

Fall hard and fast. Fall slowly and gently.

Either way, you're falling.

Wrong

Do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?


It's just wrong, right?


I thought so too.


later.

Don't Settle

In my previous blog, I have reflected the wonderful speech made by Steve Jobs in 2005 at Stanford University graduation. Now that the man who had touched practically all the lives of the people on this planet had passed, there are many reflections of the lessons of how Steve lived a life that is full and well-lived.

One striking part of that speech was his passionate words addressed to his audience.

Don't settle.

There are far so many things in life that sought to compromise who we are, who we want to be, who we can be. And there are so many instances as well that we have been compelled to do so. To settle. To compromise. To simply find in our hearts to accept whatever, whoever was presented in our paths. We have believed that this is it for us. That the one true thing we have always dream of having will never be.

Don't settle. Not really an easy task to achieve when all we want is to be happy in what we do, on who we are with, on how everything is done in our lives. We aim for comfort, we aim to have what we can NOW instead of heartbreaks, of failures, of pain, of disappointments.

We only have the guts to know when to finally say YES when we are lucky enough to find that one true thing we passionately love.

Until then, until the very voice of ourselves are telling us to GO for it, that THIS IS IT, DO NOT SETTLE.

"If you haven't found it yet, keep looking and don't settle" - (Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011)

later.

I do.

I just do.

Increments

There is one word that often comes in my head whenever I feel overwhelmed.

Increments.

Life is a huge process of increments. Little nudge. Tiny movements.

Don't think big. Savour each little moments. Life happens in increments.

Small joys. Simple happiness.

Akala

Bakit ganun? Kung minsan, akala mo, meron nang liwanag ung mga akala mong malabo at madilim na sandali ng buhay mo, saka naman pala mali ka. Saka naman pala isang malaking akala mo lang pala ung inaakala mong liwanag. Mali ka nanaman. Parang hindi ka na naging tama.

Ang hirap. Kasi kung kelan na ang akala mo, tamang tama ang pagdating nitong taong ito, ng sandaling ito sa buhay mo habang ang lungkot lungkot mo, na akala mo yey, tapos na ang dilim ng sandali, tapos na ung haba ng gabi, saka naman pala maiisip mo na hindi pala.

Nakakapagod na. Tila parang gusto ko na hindi na lang mangyari kahit kelan. Na habang buhay ko nang isasara ung puso ko, hindi titibok, hindi aasa, hindi magmamahal. Baka dun lang pala ako maswerte, ung hindi makakaramdam.

Ayoko na.

If I Could Reach You

I have had my share of frustrations in life. A huge chunk of share, if I may say so. In restrospect, these frustrations are all but made me who I am, the woman I have become today. A large part of me was born out of every single frustrating moments of my life. Losing. Letting go. Failing.

I have had another frustrating moment in life that happened recently. This guy I really really like, whom I have gone out before turns out to be dating someone else already.

The frustration? I really REALLY like this guy. Another frustration? I didn't do enough to make this guy see me for who I truly am. Another one? I didn't think this guy truly liked me, whether he sees the real me or not.

More than ever, I am frustrated on myself . It was me anyway who fell for the stupid lines. It was me anyway who, despite my repeated tune of not having any expectations after the supposed date, fell for him. It was me who thought and hoped and wished and prayed something more will happen between us. It was me who expected that he likes me like I liked him when in fact, it may just be gas. Yup, the stupid ol' little me.

I learned from the vines that this girl he's 'seeing' (yup, girl who is eight years younger than I am! -- another frustration? maybe!) is someone who knows what she wants and who knows how to get it. And so she did! Me? I just know what I want. Getting it is the hazy part. Or is it? I dunno. I have thought all of my wrong moves, all the wrong moments that I failed to follow through. The moments when I felt I didn't do anything and the moments I thought I may have done too much. I was just swinging my ways of awkwardness and ineptitude, hoping I did what I needed to, the very moment I have to do it. Whether it's right or wrong, I don't know anymore. It was the real me and I rest on that thought. It was me who wanted to try to do what I can to make him feel I like him (which apparently seems not as obvious as I had hoped it was). It turns out it was not enough. Or maybe it was just not me he likes.

I dunno how else to reach him. To borrow some lines to a song that makes me remember of my dad (it's one of his faves!) .... "If I could reach you some way. If I knew the magic it would take.... maybe I could make you stay"

It's just frustrating to not be able to know what to do to be able to reach him. I feel like I'm a scared cat who just cowers and hide, not sure of what to do.

I think, more than ever, I am frustrated that he doesn't like me like I like him. That there weren't chances to be with him, to know him, to be friends with him and maybe explore other realm that may be possible to come out of such friendship. None. Nada.

But hey, as I said, I have had frustrations in life and I'm still alive, healthy, breathing. Life moves on. The earth is still spinning on its axis. The world didn't stop. Mine may have skipped in the last few days but it's slowly spinning again, trying to rebuild something that may have been lost and trying to live those I have earned from this moment in my so-called life.

later.

John Mayer

I feel I owe it to John Mayer to find a place in my humble blog for him.

John has been with me especially whenever, for some reason or another, I feel the clouds in my realm is not as blue as I wish it to be.

Thank you, John, for keeping me company while I drive home, crying over my life drama I can't seem to have any control of. Thanks for keeping me company at night when I'm alone in my bedroom thinking things over, going over and over them that I need I want to change but I can't anymore. Thanks for sharing my breakfast. And my dinners. My tea time.

In my own special way, I talk to my friends about your songs, about how great they are and how amazing the guitar play is. I hope I was able to influence them to listen to you. Some did. Some don't. I guess, sometimes, they hear your music and think of how you've become the jerk the media (and maybe yourself too!) has made you to be. Well, sometimes I don't like the John Mayer of the Media. But I have and always will like the John Mayer the music man.

Thanks for the songs, John. One my my greatest disappointments in life was never having the chance to see you last October when you visited Manila.

But hey, the earth is still spinning. Maybe someday soon, I will hear you play live in some corner of the world.


later.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Here's an inspiring speech from Steve Job in a Stanford graduation.

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

This is a prepared text of the Commencement address delivered by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Share This Story
13KEmail
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Related To This Story
Video of Steve Jobs' Commencement Address
2005 Stanford Commencement coverage

and I quote ...

He's Not That Into You

Okay, so I've seen this movie a lot of times and I even read the book. I saw various movies in the long weekend I had, in between my road trip and some eating out and errands ... movies like Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, When Harry Met Sally, He Said She Said .... so today, on my last day of my long weekend, I thought I'd see He's Not That Into You ... and what do you know, I realized (again, for that matter!) that this guy I really, really, REALLY like is NOT that INTO me!

It wasn't actually a revelation. I think I'm the total opposite of Ginnifer Goodwin in the movie. When all of her (my friends!) tell her (me!) that the guy might be just, say, buying time to call her (me!), or ask her (me!) out on a date or is busy with work or is out of town, the truth is he isn't remotely interested to ask her (me!) out again. That he didn't forget to call, or email or whatever to ask her (me!) out. The reality of it is that the man is not interested at all!

And despite all the hopes that seems to surround her (me!), the reality is just right in front of her (me!). And as a BIG GIRL, I realized that this is something that has to be dealt with head on. That she (I am) is never the exception for this guy. She's (I'm) the rule.

I've always made it a belief that if the guy is truly interested, he will call. He will make things happen, right? And I believe that. If he isn't, then I should start forgetting about it. And so this guy I have been pining for has asked me out, treated me so special, flirted with me a bit and just was totally the perfect gentleman all through out ... and when we return to our natural element, he just didn't call, so to speak. What do I do? I pine and hope and expect and I was happy for a while. He would be nice and he would smile and he would talk to me but no, that 'date' was never asked again. Bottom line, I have been telling myself (at least that sensible, logical, rational self) that nah, he isn't gonna happen. Though a part of me still thinks that maybe he's busy or he's intimidated and will get the courage to ask me again. But NOW again is the time to tell me that it's not true. He is simply not interested. He is polite, he smiles a lot, he is a nice guy, after all. But I think I should stop pining and allow the sensible part of me to win this tug-of-war that I call insanity vs. sanity. To maybe give myself a little detachment from all these and return to focusing on other things that is happening in my life. And then MAYBE, when I get to stop to pine over a guy who clearly doesn't like me like I like him, I will get to meet a great guy who does.

Ok, this feels a lot better in writing so I'm writing this down. If in some days I feel like fooling myself again over this guy, I will read this.

But you know what, it does feel great to tell yourself all those wishful thinking at times. To make yourself hope and dream and wait that this great guy you like will one day realize, will wake up one day and tells himself that he loves you! .... As much as I want my life to be like the movies, it isn't.

So back to reality, my dear old self. Maybe the reality has something to offer far better than the delusions.

later.

Gush

I think I'm ready to fall in love with someone ... If I'm not in love already at all.

It's been a while and I've have had had moments I deny ... okay, several moments. But between me and God, between me and the whole world, I think I'm ready to put my heart out and fall in love.

Who is he? He's someone adorable. Someone I want to care for. Someone I want to talk with at the beginning of the day. Someone I want to talk with at the end of the day. Someone I want to share my family with. Someone I want to share my friends with. Someone I would like to be silent with. Someone to run around in the rain. Someone to tickle. Someone to dance with. Cook with. Wash dishes with. Cry with. Fight with. Make up with. Dream with. Love with.

Someone I can kneel with and pray.

I am ready. I don't know about him, though.

But I don't care. He makes me happy. I will be happy. In the end, I want us to be together. But if it doesn't work the way I hope and wish and pray for it to be, then, I know that he is someone who made me take a chance on love ... for the first time. For that, I fall all over again.

later.

Aberration

It seems that as the days go by, what had happened exactly a month and five days ago becomes seemingly as an aberration of my life.

I felt it was time to face the reality that not all good things that happened are happily ever after material.

But thinking about it, it still is a happy result, if only to end an ailing, broken heart and a revival of once belief that unexpected things can happen. TO ME. I never believed for once that such 'aberration' can happen in my life. I was proven wrong, of course.

But moving from what I thought was something that can further from the hopeful to some ground-breaking realities is not an easy feat as well as something that can not easily be tolerated as it turns out. What may have happened can perfectly be an aberration of some sort. Aberration that may perfectly mean a simple loop in the line. A line that eventually will continue to be so after that single swell.

I am happy of the aberration. I was happy of the aberration.

After all, it is an aberration, right?

later.

Dear God ...

I've been reading some interesting 'prayers' from children in an old email sent to me and I sent it again to my other friends to remind them that God truly is someone you can talk to anytime, anywhere, in however way you can and whatever words you can utter.

Here are some of my favorites ....

Dear God: My Mommy is sad a lot since Daddy went away. We can't find him. Can you?

Dear God: I'm sorry I forgot the words to your songs yesterday in Sunday School. I don't sing that good anyway so sometimes I just hum along. Is that o.k. with you?

Dear God: Do you like it when I pray to you? I do, too.

Dear God: My grandma is dying. She says you want her back with you, but I want her to stay here with me. You can have anyone you want. She's all I have, so please let her get better and stay.


Dear God: I saw a kangaroo and a buffalo today at the zoo. I like the lion best. What is your favorite? I think the ostrich is funny looking - did you do that on purpose?

Dear God: Why didn't you make me special? Cloe is specially pretty and Janine is specially smart. Ryan can run faster than anyone and wins all the races. Tina has perfect teeth. And Carmen can speak two languages. Did you forget to give me something special to be?

Dear God: My dog, Bowser is getting really old now. He gets up slowly and doesn't keep up with me anymore when we run. Mommy says he's going to die one day. Could you just make him a puppy again instead?

Dear God: Please make me pretty. Because I think I'm not very smart.

I've been praying all my life. I've been taught as a young little girl the importance of talking to God and telling him what I want. I've had a fairly stable relationship with God, I think. I've had times when I speak to him all the time, in all the odd moments, even odd places just so I can tell him what I was feeling. There were also times when I don't speak to him, when I couldn't find words to utter, to ask of Him what I want or what I need.

In however way I pray, I would always feel a sense of relief every single time I finish. I feel blessed already.

Today, I'm going to church and pray..... to always be a child when I do.

later.

Commitment

.. this is Hugh McLeod's cartoon .... as for its message? 'nuff said.

Dreamboat

I was thinking if I will ever write about this but I decided I might as well if only to exorcise in me the doubts and fears I refuse to feel at this point.

Seattle was a special place. The whole city is romantic. The weather was amazing. It was cool and very ideal for a fabulous walk downtown. I have learned that the days I was in this beatiful city was the only days when the weather is perfect in the city for this summer! After I left, the rain started kicking in. I was lucky. I would like think so.

But Seattle was more special, more than anything, because I met with someone. Well, he is someone I already know but we just decided to meet in this city. What was special was this man is someone I have a huge 'crush' on for YEARS! .... well, since 2007, to be exact. I have never even met him in person then, only in paper and yet I thought he was someone special. Too bad he was with his girlfriend the first time we talked. So the years went by with me just smiling all the time, knowing in my heart this guy is NEVER gonna happen to me! I have always been grounded in reality. Anyhow, to fast track the drama, after several years of hi and hello, few months of ignoring him and resigning myself to the nunnery, he asked me out! -- okay, up until now, I don't even want to call it "ask out" but for lack of better name on what he did, humour me by saying he did ask me out.

So days before I meet with him, there were emails and texts which I find myself feeling giddy all the time. I found myself forgetting past hurts and resignations and looking forward to a sunny day every day, counting the days until I finally arrive in Seattle.

So arrive I did. I was excited, of course, to see my family and, of course, to see him too. But in my mind and heart, I knew I should have not agreed to see him there at all. Why? --- ask me WHY? --- because I was too chicken for him, that's why. He was so darn cute and I am the lamest, most awkward 34-year old virgin so of course, I was scared. Who in the world wants to feel that, right? And believe me, I have felt every inch of my inexperienced, gullible, insecure self days before I met him. I was too scared to put something more than what may happen to us while together, eating or walking or talking but at the same time, I don't want to not feel what I should be feeling. I am dense, after all, as many of my close, beloved, trusted friends say all the time. I was too darn afraid that my heart will begin to skip again. I knew that I will not take things easy as I should -- oh yes, even if I want to. I knew it will create ripples in my acceptedly-boring state of life. I was OKAY. Well, I was fine. No ripples. No giddiness. I was content and quiet and subdued. Then this PERSON and EVENT happened and now I'm wondering what in the world was I thinking agreeing to see his guy stateside.

I may sound a little bit like I'm regretting the whole thing --- but the truth is I AM NOT. I wouldn't change anything at all of what happened. I had all sorts of analysis and maybe's and probably so's at the moment but I realize it may have been a one-time wonder in my life. Who in the world would have thought that this guy I have a 'crush' on for so long, whom I have always felt resigned and always thought to be far-fetched, would 'happen' to me? NOT ME! But happen it did. And being a solid believer of 'things happen for a reason' saying, I do believe he happened to me for a reason. What that reason is? I think I'm still waiting for the revelation of that reason myself. I have always thought he was a remedy for an ailing, breaking heart. .... But does that mean he, then, can make my heart ache and break?

Anyway, I haven't seen him yet since Seattle... I honestly do not know what I will do when I see him. I like him. There are 'things' I don't understand much about him, and, maybe not like at all about him but generally, I like him. He always have this nice smile that catches me off-guard. I learned he was a perfect gentleman. He isn't funny but that's okay -- well, not really but maybe I was far too nervous and dense to realize he was joking already. He was, I think, a fairly decent man. I've always thought he did all the things a guy is suppose to do on the 'first date'. Moi? Well, I've always thought that I was created by God while he was being tickled by the angels. I was perfectly awkward, I didn't do the right demure, sweet-girl personification, I stepped on his foot when we were saying goodbye --- I think I failed miserably. Seriously, I was a total turn-off!

I'm not sure what to do really when I see him. It would largely depend on how he will react too when he sees me. Because if I depend on me alone as to how I will see him again, I know for sure I would just say "Hey" and smile ... oh, and yes, maybe walk away too. I still feel giddy and shy. and yes, I still think he has such a melting smile.

So the Dreamboat had docked in Seattle. I am not sure if he will sail away ... or maybe has sailed away already.

I just want to tell myself that Seattle should suffice. I mean, it should, right? It maybe, and I'm thinking and saying this very positively here, that Seattle is a one-hit, one-time wonder, a once in a lifetime event that an 'unexpected' has happend to me. It's a good thing, right? It made me believe that hey, this stuff can happen to me too, what do you know?!! That for the first time, I wasn't sitting somewhere and listening to other woman talking about her date or a guy she went out with. That Seattle was my story to tell instead.

Bottom line, I should stop thinking that there may be a next time for me and this dreamboat.

Okay, I would stop thinking, then. Right now, right here. This is it. Done. Finish.

But I can pray, can I?

later.

Stateside

I've been in the US since June 17. I took a month off from work and decided to spend one whole month bonding with my family in California and Vancouver.

I have had the most amazing experiences stateside. I had a GREAT time with my family, wonderful bonding time with my cousins and nephews. It's like we just saw each other yesterday and everything was so familiar.

I think there is much to say about my trip that I need to reflect on later on in the day. I'm still here so I'm pretty sure I have so many other experiences to feel and people to meet and places to see and food to eat ....

All in all, this trip was a good one. I can say it healed a lot of my wounds that I've had when I was back home. I'm not looking forward yet to going home though I miss my family back in the Philippines already.

I shall write again soon.

later.

10 Truths I Wish I’d Known Sooner by Amy Bloom

Here is an interesting article that I'd like to share.

I do wish that someday soon, I would be able to write a similar feature ... someday when I'm a little wiser to take credit of what I have known this life to be ...

In the meantime, read on, please:

10 Truths I Wish I’d Known Sooner

Her friends and family tried to guide her. But it was only through years of rich experience that she grasped the realities of life.

by Amy Bloom

Occasionally, being better informed leads to better decisions. Mostly, though, I think we make choices based on who we are, not what we know. The lessons here are things that people who knew and loved me tried to tell me. So thank you to my relatives who scolded me in four languages, and to my high school English teacher who watched over me like Cupid with a Ph.D., and to my best friend, who taught me patience. These people did their best to make me smarter in the ways that count. If I had been willing and able to understand them, their words might have tilted me more (and sooner) in the right direction. If I could have, they might have. Or, as my father often said, if your grandmother had balls, she would be your grandfather.

1. Events reveal people’s characters; they don’t determine them. Not everyone with divorced parents has terrible relationships. If two people are hit by a bus and crippled for life, one will become a bitter shut-in; the other, the kind of warm, outgoing person (cheerful despite everything) whom everyone loves to be with. It’s not about the bus, and a dreadful childhood is no excuse. You have the chance to be the person you wish to be, until you die.

2. Lying, by omission or commission, is a bad idea. I cannot shake my dependency on the white lie, because I was brought up to be nice. And I’ve never figured out the nice way to say, “I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than come to your house for dinner.” But the meaningful lie, the kind that involves being untruthful or deceitful about important stuff to those you love, is like poison. Telling the truth hurts, but it doesn’t kill. Lying kills love.

3. Sex always give you an answer, although not necessarily the one you want. It’s possible to have very good sex, a few times, with a person who shouldn’t be in your life at all. Have fun, and hide your wallet and your BlackBerry. On the other hand, it’s unlikely that a grown man, however nice, will become much, much better in bed than he was the first five times you slept with him. And if you sleep with a man who is unkind to you, there will be more of that; long after the sex is humdrum, the cruelty will be vivid.

4. Most talents are transferable. If you can raise toddlers and teenagers with relative calm, you can be a CEO. If you’re a good driver, you can probably steer a cab, fly a plane, captain a boat. My years as a waitress―serving food to demanding people in a high-stress environment without losing my temper―served me equally well as a mother, a wife, and a short-order cook for my family. And if you have the teaching gene, you can teach anything. (I mean it. All you have to do is be one lesson ahead of your students. Sole meunière, Latin and Greek, algebra―you can teach it!)

5. Fashion fades; style is eternal. Not only do you not have to wear torn jeans, a barely-there tank top, and a fedora, but you probably shouldn’t. The point of fashion is to indulge briefly in something fun. The point of style is to have one―whether that’s a sheath and spike heels or slouchy jeans and your husband’s T-shirt―and it should last you a lifetime. All you have to do is think you deserve to look and feel your best and spend some time figuring out how to do it. Don’t know? Find a woman whose style you admire and ask for a little advice.

6. You can’t fake love. Staying in a love relationship when love is not what you feel isn’t likely to end well. If you know that what you crave is security/disposable income/child care and not the person next to you in bed, do the right thing. It’s true that one can learn to love someone over time and often through difficult circumstances. But unless the two of you agree to wait until you’re old and all the storms have passed, in the hope that love will kick in, it’s better to bail sooner rather than later.

7. Mean doesn’t go away. Some people get better looking with age; some don’t. Some people soften; some toughen up. Mean streaks tend not to disappear. A person who demeans and belittles you and speaks of you with contempt to others is probably going to be that way for years. The first time it happens, take note. The second time, take your coat and go.

8. No one’s perfect. I knew that I wasn’t perfect; I just didn’t realize that this also applied to the people I fell in love with. The object of your affection will always turn out to have huge and varied faults. The smart thing is not to look for someone flawless (which is why Elizabeth Taylor married eight times), but to look for someone whose mix of strengths and liabilities appeals to you (which is why she married Richard Burton twice).

9. Ask for help. It’s possible you’ll get turned down. It’s even more likely that you’ll feel vulnerable and exposed. Do it anyway, especially if you are the helpful sort yourself. Those of us who like to offer assistance and hate to take any are depriving other people of the opportunity to be generous and kind; we are also blinding ourselves to the reality of mutual dependence. You wouldn’t wear pink hot pants and pretend they were flattering. Don’t pretend you don’t need help.

10. Keep your eye on the prize and your hand on the plow. It’s easy to lose sight of what you want, especially if you haven’t gotten it. I know it’s less work to put the wish away, to pretend that the wish itself has disappeared. But it’s important to know what your prize is, because that is part of who you are. Whether it’s financial stability, two children, a collection of poetry, or a happy marriage, take Winston Churchill’s advice and never give in. Never give in. Never give in.

(http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/truths-i-wish-id-known-sooner-00000000025614/index.html)

Something Old, Something New (not a wedding blog, please!)

I thought that I ought to write two things in my blog at the moment: One, that I am a little better than my previous blog dramas and two, I need to write my thesis already.

First, I can say I am a lot better after some weeks of some heavy, tears-laden drama over a man who broke my heart but didn't know about it. I didn't know if it was more sad that he broke my hear or that he didn't know about it. But either way, it made some slightly major impact in my life, some belief systems have crushed down, some matured and a little tired heart struggled to overcome. I believe, all in all, it happened for a reason, every single moment of it. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here, blogging about it, right? Everything happens for a reason and I guess, it's up to me to come out positive and optimistic at the end of the deal and the start of a new beginning.

So am I starting a new beginning? I ought to, right? There is no time but now to make a move to haul my self out of this long-overdue stupor and wake up to a new start.

What better way to start than ... my thesis writing! Can you imagine how boring my life is? I think I should be able to boast that I'm starting a love affair or some new, drastic career shift ... from school career to military school.... or start a new organization to help alleviate poverty .... nope ... I need to start on my thesis writing.

So today I attended my thesis writing seminar and what do you know, I've grown three pimples just sitting in class, panicking about what to write, how to write, when to write ... and all that jazz of the thesis writing activities we MA students have to deal with after our comprehensives. The stress! Unbelievable! But the stress is coming from myself, I guess. I need to sit down and think about my thesis problem ... totally opposite of whatever love problem I have been reflecting on in the past few weeks ... and now I feel I totally appreciate the lowdowns that give me heart failures (literally) during the time I was so depress, much as it sucks, that is.

It is so difficult to create something substantially viable to be a thesis study. Create a problem? Articulate it? Justify it? Defend it? Why in the world did I need to do my graduate studies anyway? .... Ah, the dilemma of my life in the past three years. But here I am, occupying a greater part of my thinking skills to producing something even remotely substantial to be able to come up with something that I can work on in the next few months. Apparently, this remotely substantial work will even be clawed upon, tramped, crushed, literally chewed whole and spit out -- all in the name of -- not tramping or crushing or chewing and spitting my heart -- but helping me produce an acceptable study that I can work on -- slave on -- in the next few months. So in time, I will be able to write about graduation. Makes perfect sense? Right.

So yes, that something old is seemingly fleeting as the day goes by .... and the something new is creeping in already, ready to devour me anytime it feels I can handle it. It's like the flip of the coin is of the same face, same fate, right?

So what is your something old and something new?

later.

The King and Queen of Creation

I find the sermon of the Bishop of London inspiring.

Read on:

The Bishop of London's Sermon
29th April 2011

“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.” So said St Catherine of Siena whose festival day it is today. Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be, their deepest and truest selves.

Many are full of fear for the future of the prospects of our world but the message of the celebrations in this country and far beyond its shores is the right one – this is a joyful day! It is good that people in every continent are able to share in these celebrations because this is, as every wedding day should be, a day of hope.

In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future.

William and Catherine, you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous God who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of Jesus Christ.

And in the Spirit of this generous God, husband and wife are to give themselves to each another.

A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed. In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life.

It is of course very hard to wean ourselves away from self-centredness. And people can dream of doing such a thing but the hope should be fulfilled it is necessary a solemn decision that, whatever the difficulties, we are committed to the way of generous love.

You have both made your decision today – “I will” – and by making this new relationship, you have aligned yourselves with what we believe is the way in which life is spiritually evolving, and which will lead to a creative future for the human race.

We stand looking forward to a century which is full of promise and full of peril. Human beings are confronting the question of how to use wisely a power that has been given to us through the discoveries of the last century. We shall not be converted to the promise of the future by more knowledge, but rather by an increase of loving wisdom and reverence, for life, for the earth and for one another.

Marriage should transform, as husband and wife make one another their work of art. It is possible to transform as long as we do not harbour ambitions to reform our partner. There must be no coercion if the Spirit is to flow; each must give the other space and freedom. Chaucer, the London poet, sums it up in a pithy phrase:

“Whan maistrie [mastery] comth, the God of Love anon,

Beteth his wynges, and farewell, he is gon.”

As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the West, there has been a corresponding inflation of expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. This is to load our partner with too great a burden. We are all incomplete: we all need the love which is secure, rather than oppressive, we need mutual forgiveness, to thrive.

As we move towards our partner in love, following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light. This leads to a family life which offers the best conditions in which the next generation can practise and exchange those gifts which can overcome fear and division and incubate the coming world of the Spirit, whose fruits are love and joy and peace.

I pray that all of us present and the many millions watching this ceremony and sharing in your joy today, will do everything in our power to support and uphold you in your new life. And I pray that God will bless you in the way of life that you have chosen, that way which is expressed in the prayer that you have composed together in preparation for this day:

God our Father, we thank you for our families; for the love that we share and for the joy of our marriage.

In the busyness of each day keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life and help us to be generous with our time and love and energy.

Strengthened by our union help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. We ask this in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Amen.

http://www.officialroyalwedding2011.org/blog/2011/April/29/The-Bishop-of-London-s-Sermon

Goodbye

I thought about writing about love lost and unrequited love. I was looking through the internet for an appropriate photo for it when I found myself with this blog: http://arnoldechevarriajr.blogspot.com/2010/12/unrequited-love.html

I'd like to share his simple, right-through-the-heart words and quote some lines I find striking:

" ... how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you ..."

" ... you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally comes back and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of life that you wasted will eventually begin to fade ..."

Last Friday was when I realize God was speaking right straight to me. I realize He has grown tired of my drama for the past four weeks and maybe, in His own reprimanding way, He allowed me to face the fears I will never be able to get over until such catch me off-guard and hit me in the face. It did that and more. We hugged me. I wanted to hold him longer but I know it's not allowed. He asked how I was. If only I could truly say I was fine. I think I never told him how I was though (though my friends told me I never said anything understandable anyway). I felt my smile was faltering and my knees where buckling. I was never a good actress anyway. All I wanted was to look at him. And look I did when he walked away, with his arms around his wife. That night, I closed my eyes and that's all I can see.

The experience took my night away anyway. I didn't sleep. Not that I didn't want to but I felt my heart was broken in tiniest pieces, my mind was overflowing with thoughts unshared, my soul was in pain. It was excruciating. It was ironic as well because I was off to a place for the long weekend, take my needed break and some breather from the events of my life in the past six months and most recently, in the last few weeks. But on the verge of my departure, I was confronted by the very thing I was running away from. I thought maybe God wants me to face head-on the realities of my drama, of my dilemma, of my life. He wants to hurt me, allowed to make me feel that numbing pain. I guess He knows there is no way I will be able to forget and move on until I am faced with the very person I never wanted to see in my conscious state. He knows I will never move forward until I put a period (.) in this phase.

And so, right now, I am okay. The three-day getaway to Dumaguete helped tremendously. The place, the people, the experience made me come back to the city with renewed spirit, with new realities and new hopes.

I still don't know what lies ahead but it's okay. I do know I have taken a step to recovery from the misery I put myself into, day-in, day-out every single day since weeks back. I am ready to join again the land of the living.

I can now sing again, laugh out loud, smile for no reason, dance when I'm alone. Everything's starting to feel normal again.

So here's to putting a period in this chapter.

PERIOD.

Ironies of Life

I don't know what to do with the ironies of life. The very things, moments, people you pray and beg and wish hard not to happen or transpire or see, it always does. All I wish for is the time to find my peace, struggle to find that finality of emotions that I stumble in every waking hour since that memorable day. But it seems life has something planned. God has something else to offer. The realities of my life has happened to tonight. I will never forget. As for the lessons, I'm still figuring out. As for the feelings, I'm still trying to find out what. As for me, I'm floating. Not here, not there, not anywhere. I'm off to find me. And when I do, I'll let you know. later.

Tea

I'm a tea drinker. Yes, if between coffee and tea, I would opt to drink tea -- green tea in particular, the plain, no frills type, no sugar or flavor is fine. But the truth of the matter is that i never 'really' liked drinking it. Sure, it's something warm to drink in the morning. But to actually say I like it, I don't think so. I prefer it, sure. But like? No.

Then why in the world do I drink tea, you ask? Well, it is good for the body! Yes, it is. If you want to know then Google the benefits of drinking it. The truth of the matter is that that is the reason why I drink it. Because I know it is good for me.

How boring can I get! The things that I do, I do because it's good for me. Isn't that what boring people do? Of course, sacrifice for my loved ones is not the context which I want to say in this writing. Doing that so is what is good and good for me. That all together is another long, emotional piece to write. But I just realized, now that I'm drinking this tea brought to me by my friend from her Beijing trip, I really really can opt not to drink this. But then, this is good for me and is a little better than plain old water, for that matter. I drink a cup or two in a day -- or three or four, okay -- because the more I drink it, the more I think I'm ingesting in my body what is good for me. To some extent, I think this is right. I mean, we should only eat and drink what is good for our body, right? Take care of our body as much as we can, si?

BUT always doing what is good isn't right, right? What if what I think is good is not necessarily what is good for me? To do what is always good is safe and will not at all give me any problems, worries at night, wrinkles, white hair, butterflies in the tummy .... but where does that leave me? Right. Not the looney bin, please. I think I have ample sanity not to land a spot there, thankyouverymuch. But I think I am in a place that is always safe and innucous, benign and unscathed. I'm like a mother who is protecting dearly my child -- only the child is also me. How odd is that? I think it's either I love myself too much or I hate myself too much. It's either I want to grow, sure, as it is inevitable but within the bounds of the parameters enough to always place me in a secure haven. Or hate myself to prevent me from seeking the possibilities of a life I may have probabilities of greatness. Living in the box or living in a bordeless haunt.

What to do, what to do? I need to find a balance in my life that shall swing me into taking a step in doing what I believe to be good for me and another to doing what I am unaware of the outcome. The un-Google-able. The unknown is not always bad, right? Balance. Yes, maybe that's what I should hope to find. Not hope -- strive to find.

In the meantime, I think I will drink my tea.

later.

Corner

I was sitting at the corner of our house yesterday afternoon, stirring the leaves of my tea and I had felt this dark, muddy feeling of weariness, of sadness, that clothed me like a blanket. In my normal mode, I would just go to my room and shut the door and let silence takes me off my emotions of drama and lowness. But yesterday, for some reason, I told my sister that I was feeling so sad. I jested even, saying I must be hormonal.

Am I? Or is this still an aftershock of the turmoil I've had few weeks back, some small, shockwaves of dark emptiness, of realization of solitude in life? Or another moment of missing my grandmother?

The dinner I had last night with my family made me realize some sad thoughts (which I still think is part of the 'aftershock' of my life's 'quake and tsunami' of the past weeks) - that I will be alone for the rest of my life. In the middle of our family gathering, with my sister's and brother's families, with all my nephews complete, I realize this will always be the scenario in the next five or ten or twenty years for me. That I will be surrounded by these wonderful people I call my family but by the end of the day, I will not have a husband or a son or a daughter or a family to call my own. That I will not be a wife to a man or a mother to child. It saddens my heart thinking that this can never be. The bleakness of the idea squeezes my heart softly, quietly, killing my heart and soul faintly. Pretty sad when I was thinking about it more as i lay awake at night, my mind going on a trip of its own.

I realized that the acceptance hasn't really sunk in. I don't know if it ever will. Or when it ever will. I have held tight as I can to my realities before, to the notions of hopeful future filled with togertherness, of little white house in the prairie, of small, giggly laughters of babies and mommys and daddys, of quiet nights of intimacy, of family, of generation upon generation of life. But I hold tight no more. I allowed myself for many years to yearn but I do not any longer. It's not an easy transition from being hopeful of the unknown future to being resigned to the reality of today. But what today is already a manifestation of what the future holds and the bleakness and coldness it brings my soul is a struggle I accept everyday.

I listen to songs about love, hear stories about relationships, see movies about families and kids ... but nothing seems as it was before anymore. A part of me was changed. That little part of me is already missing, the part that hopes for everything I wish for will come true. There was a piece of me gone.

later.

The End Where I Begin

It has been a rough month of March for me. I felt it was like when my grandmother died September of last year. Only this time, I was the only one mourning.

March came and went. April has started a new tide. There are moments in March that made me realize a lot of things in my life: my fate, my faith, my TV viewing habits -- I realized that one way to overcome sadness is when you watch sadder news in CNN - Japan earthquake, Libyan war to name a few. You will, for a moment, forget your own sorrows, I assure you.

Somehow, I realized that life doesn't end for me when it has started to begin with the others. The end that I may seem to think is all for me is truly a beginning of something else. Cliche as it may sound, it does seem a beginning to an end. The road doesn't end until it already is. All of us has a road to walk on. There maybe merging paths along the way, people we meet, experiences that occur in life, moments that we all go through, but through it all, there is one road to walk on. And for as long as you keep on walking, you are living. But more than living, one should be thriving. Feel the rough patches along the way, the bumpy, rocky terrain that is part of the journey as well as the smooth glide on cemented roads and the soft patches of white, warm sand on your feet. There will be rains -- heck, storms -- that will need you to take cover for a while or the blazing sun that warms you -- don't get toasted as may happen sometimes. The elements of life will all be present as you walk on your path. You may need to run sometimes, when it all seems that you want it all to end, when you want to reach the end of your road. But you will never reach the end until you really do. The end you seem to think is the finality of the road is simply another beginning of it. Then you walk on again to restart.

I guess when March ended, April 1 came. As well as the realization that there are more to my life that what March has given me. It was a bumpy ride at most, all rough and tumultuous. There are views in my life that changed. Rejection of old rules, acceptance of a few. Heightened fears of the unknown but at the same time calm sobriety of emotions and drama. Growth? Most definitely. Maturity? Yes. Regrets? Plenty. Change? Yes.

Writing about this still gives a pinching ache in my heart. It was not as painful as when March was passing, when I felt I almost had no heart to feel a pain so great. Now it's a pulsing pain, something that remains in my heart, a reminder of something heartbreaking, of something sad. Of something finite. An end.

So here I begin with an end. What follows is whatever comes. And whatever comes is my life from hereon.

later.

Exams

I received some very good news that I passed my comprehensives and got a pretty good grade for it. It was a wonderful blessing for me but at the same time I felt quite worried for a friend of mine. When I learned about my grade and that I passed first thing Friday morning (at 6am!), I opted not to inform her because I know she really worries about her own. I did not want to share anything yet until I know she learns her status. I guess I want her to tell me first before I tell her mine. Don't get me wrong, I was never worried that she did not pass, even what she did was a re-take. I believe in her and know in my heart she did pass the comprehensives. What I worry is that I think she doesn't think the same as I do with herself. At mid-morning, she texted me and asked what grade I got. I had my hesitations to tell her but I didn't want her to feel I was keeping it from her so I did. Then she began worrying so much for her results and when by lunch time she realized her grade was not in the online system, she began freaking out, crying and just crushing herself with mindless tirade of baseless thoughts and was overcome by fear of knowing what the real score is of her exams. Of course, I called our Department even when I had no business doing so. My friend did not want to even CALL the university to ask. I was informed by our ever kind-hearted Department Secretary that I should ask 'my friend' (which I think she obviously knows who I was talking about) to go see her and get her results, as in the case when student's grade is not reflected online. I told my friend this and she simply didn't want to go last Friday to know the answer to all her anxieties. She opted to immerse herself with sorrow and tears instead for a while. She didn't even want me and another friend of ours Claire to bother her for a while. My passing the exams was never really something I felt truly successful because of this situation. Sure, I passed but I felt there was something that does not seem right to be happy about. When I decided to attend graduate school, I never really had any notions that I will have any close friends. I am not the most sociable person in the world and a little geeky on the side (which at times misconstrued by some as being snobbish -- far from it, that's for sure. I am more shy than standoffish). But this friend of mine, who I initially felt too lively and cheery,-- and a little talkative on the side -- became a good friend. She was funny, smart, generous and very passionate about her goals in the graduate program we are in. She may often see herself as someone most often misunderstood within our circle but I understand her just fine. I introduced her to my high school acquaintance Claire whom I also had a chance to be friends with again and the three of us became good friends. Saturday morning came and I was thinking of her. I knew she went through some rough tide thinking about her results (which she already decided she failed) but space I gave her, despite that fact that I really really want to bug her to get her results from the department -- stat! In the middle of my Saturday morning, she texted me and informed me that.... SHE MADE IT! That was when I felt a gushing relief for her and was very very happy for her. Then I felt at that moment an instant overwhelming emotion for my own success in my exams! It truly was a moment when I felt I did pass too and I scored high and I am truly a candidate for my graduate program (pending Thesis, of course!). I never realized that I was waiting for my friend's result as well as my own to truly feel I have made it this far in this journey. To my friend Tess, we made it, mare. I shall look forward seeing you and Claire in our Thesis Seminar in May. Graduation in March 2012? later.

Catch Me If You Can

I don't think I'll be able to face tomorrow if I can't find the strength to face today.

There are a million and one things I need to let go in order to find my way tomorrow. In doing so, I have to conquer the days as it come. It's a spinning, tupsy turvy ride. The ups and downs are so obvious that the fluctuations make me dizzy.

There are people I need to let go, people that I have to let go. Holding on to them, much as it will keep them in my heart, will never help me face and receive the people that needs to come into my life right now.

There are emotions I need to face. If only to let go, I need to accept that I am in pain, I am hurt, I am abandoned, I am neglected, I am alone. Only through knowing and accepting that I am feeling all these that they will all go away.

There are moments I need to forget. In doing so, I'm pretty sure there is a chance to create other moments that will define my life from hereon.

I need to forgive myself. Before doing all of the above. Nothing beats the true wisdom of forgiving your own transgressions to yourself. Only then that moving forward is truly liberating.

I have to do this now. Or I may no longer be able to do it at all.

later.

Prayer

I know some years back, I've prayed that God allows it for me to be the first to go forth.

But He didn't answer my prayer.

Today is the proof of that.

later

Splat

No words. It happened.

Shiver

have you heard Coldplay's song Shiver? Beautiful song!

so fitting to what i'm feeling right now ...

Career advice

" When I am asked about career strategies, I respond that you need two things: a long-term dream and one- to two-year plan. A long-term dream allows you to work with purpose to achieve real fulfillment. A short-term plan makes sure you are learning and growing from the work you do each day. All the stuff in the middle is confusing at best and anxiety-producing at worst. If I had tried to connect those dots when I left college, I would never have worked at Google or Facebook, companies that did not even yet exist. When you try to plan every step, you miss opportunities. I believe that if you are open to opportunity and respect the people who share their dreams with you, the rest will take care of itself."

- Sheryl Sandberg (http://www.newsweek.com/2008/10/03/changing-the-world.html)

Something Real

"When you find something real, everything else falls in place ..."

what else is missing?