10 Truths I Wish I’d Known Sooner by Amy Bloom

Here is an interesting article that I'd like to share.

I do wish that someday soon, I would be able to write a similar feature ... someday when I'm a little wiser to take credit of what I have known this life to be ...

In the meantime, read on, please:

10 Truths I Wish I’d Known Sooner

Her friends and family tried to guide her. But it was only through years of rich experience that she grasped the realities of life.

by Amy Bloom

Occasionally, being better informed leads to better decisions. Mostly, though, I think we make choices based on who we are, not what we know. The lessons here are things that people who knew and loved me tried to tell me. So thank you to my relatives who scolded me in four languages, and to my high school English teacher who watched over me like Cupid with a Ph.D., and to my best friend, who taught me patience. These people did their best to make me smarter in the ways that count. If I had been willing and able to understand them, their words might have tilted me more (and sooner) in the right direction. If I could have, they might have. Or, as my father often said, if your grandmother had balls, she would be your grandfather.

1. Events reveal people’s characters; they don’t determine them. Not everyone with divorced parents has terrible relationships. If two people are hit by a bus and crippled for life, one will become a bitter shut-in; the other, the kind of warm, outgoing person (cheerful despite everything) whom everyone loves to be with. It’s not about the bus, and a dreadful childhood is no excuse. You have the chance to be the person you wish to be, until you die.

2. Lying, by omission or commission, is a bad idea. I cannot shake my dependency on the white lie, because I was brought up to be nice. And I’ve never figured out the nice way to say, “I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than come to your house for dinner.” But the meaningful lie, the kind that involves being untruthful or deceitful about important stuff to those you love, is like poison. Telling the truth hurts, but it doesn’t kill. Lying kills love.

3. Sex always give you an answer, although not necessarily the one you want. It’s possible to have very good sex, a few times, with a person who shouldn’t be in your life at all. Have fun, and hide your wallet and your BlackBerry. On the other hand, it’s unlikely that a grown man, however nice, will become much, much better in bed than he was the first five times you slept with him. And if you sleep with a man who is unkind to you, there will be more of that; long after the sex is humdrum, the cruelty will be vivid.

4. Most talents are transferable. If you can raise toddlers and teenagers with relative calm, you can be a CEO. If you’re a good driver, you can probably steer a cab, fly a plane, captain a boat. My years as a waitress―serving food to demanding people in a high-stress environment without losing my temper―served me equally well as a mother, a wife, and a short-order cook for my family. And if you have the teaching gene, you can teach anything. (I mean it. All you have to do is be one lesson ahead of your students. Sole meunière, Latin and Greek, algebra―you can teach it!)

5. Fashion fades; style is eternal. Not only do you not have to wear torn jeans, a barely-there tank top, and a fedora, but you probably shouldn’t. The point of fashion is to indulge briefly in something fun. The point of style is to have one―whether that’s a sheath and spike heels or slouchy jeans and your husband’s T-shirt―and it should last you a lifetime. All you have to do is think you deserve to look and feel your best and spend some time figuring out how to do it. Don’t know? Find a woman whose style you admire and ask for a little advice.

6. You can’t fake love. Staying in a love relationship when love is not what you feel isn’t likely to end well. If you know that what you crave is security/disposable income/child care and not the person next to you in bed, do the right thing. It’s true that one can learn to love someone over time and often through difficult circumstances. But unless the two of you agree to wait until you’re old and all the storms have passed, in the hope that love will kick in, it’s better to bail sooner rather than later.

7. Mean doesn’t go away. Some people get better looking with age; some don’t. Some people soften; some toughen up. Mean streaks tend not to disappear. A person who demeans and belittles you and speaks of you with contempt to others is probably going to be that way for years. The first time it happens, take note. The second time, take your coat and go.

8. No one’s perfect. I knew that I wasn’t perfect; I just didn’t realize that this also applied to the people I fell in love with. The object of your affection will always turn out to have huge and varied faults. The smart thing is not to look for someone flawless (which is why Elizabeth Taylor married eight times), but to look for someone whose mix of strengths and liabilities appeals to you (which is why she married Richard Burton twice).

9. Ask for help. It’s possible you’ll get turned down. It’s even more likely that you’ll feel vulnerable and exposed. Do it anyway, especially if you are the helpful sort yourself. Those of us who like to offer assistance and hate to take any are depriving other people of the opportunity to be generous and kind; we are also blinding ourselves to the reality of mutual dependence. You wouldn’t wear pink hot pants and pretend they were flattering. Don’t pretend you don’t need help.

10. Keep your eye on the prize and your hand on the plow. It’s easy to lose sight of what you want, especially if you haven’t gotten it. I know it’s less work to put the wish away, to pretend that the wish itself has disappeared. But it’s important to know what your prize is, because that is part of who you are. Whether it’s financial stability, two children, a collection of poetry, or a happy marriage, take Winston Churchill’s advice and never give in. Never give in. Never give in.

(http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/truths-i-wish-id-known-sooner-00000000025614/index.html)

Something Old, Something New (not a wedding blog, please!)

I thought that I ought to write two things in my blog at the moment: One, that I am a little better than my previous blog dramas and two, I need to write my thesis already.

First, I can say I am a lot better after some weeks of some heavy, tears-laden drama over a man who broke my heart but didn't know about it. I didn't know if it was more sad that he broke my hear or that he didn't know about it. But either way, it made some slightly major impact in my life, some belief systems have crushed down, some matured and a little tired heart struggled to overcome. I believe, all in all, it happened for a reason, every single moment of it. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here, blogging about it, right? Everything happens for a reason and I guess, it's up to me to come out positive and optimistic at the end of the deal and the start of a new beginning.

So am I starting a new beginning? I ought to, right? There is no time but now to make a move to haul my self out of this long-overdue stupor and wake up to a new start.

What better way to start than ... my thesis writing! Can you imagine how boring my life is? I think I should be able to boast that I'm starting a love affair or some new, drastic career shift ... from school career to military school.... or start a new organization to help alleviate poverty .... nope ... I need to start on my thesis writing.

So today I attended my thesis writing seminar and what do you know, I've grown three pimples just sitting in class, panicking about what to write, how to write, when to write ... and all that jazz of the thesis writing activities we MA students have to deal with after our comprehensives. The stress! Unbelievable! But the stress is coming from myself, I guess. I need to sit down and think about my thesis problem ... totally opposite of whatever love problem I have been reflecting on in the past few weeks ... and now I feel I totally appreciate the lowdowns that give me heart failures (literally) during the time I was so depress, much as it sucks, that is.

It is so difficult to create something substantially viable to be a thesis study. Create a problem? Articulate it? Justify it? Defend it? Why in the world did I need to do my graduate studies anyway? .... Ah, the dilemma of my life in the past three years. But here I am, occupying a greater part of my thinking skills to producing something even remotely substantial to be able to come up with something that I can work on in the next few months. Apparently, this remotely substantial work will even be clawed upon, tramped, crushed, literally chewed whole and spit out -- all in the name of -- not tramping or crushing or chewing and spitting my heart -- but helping me produce an acceptable study that I can work on -- slave on -- in the next few months. So in time, I will be able to write about graduation. Makes perfect sense? Right.

So yes, that something old is seemingly fleeting as the day goes by .... and the something new is creeping in already, ready to devour me anytime it feels I can handle it. It's like the flip of the coin is of the same face, same fate, right?

So what is your something old and something new?

later.

The King and Queen of Creation

I find the sermon of the Bishop of London inspiring.

Read on:

The Bishop of London's Sermon
29th April 2011

“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.” So said St Catherine of Siena whose festival day it is today. Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be, their deepest and truest selves.

Many are full of fear for the future of the prospects of our world but the message of the celebrations in this country and far beyond its shores is the right one – this is a joyful day! It is good that people in every continent are able to share in these celebrations because this is, as every wedding day should be, a day of hope.

In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future.

William and Catherine, you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous God who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of Jesus Christ.

And in the Spirit of this generous God, husband and wife are to give themselves to each another.

A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed. In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life.

It is of course very hard to wean ourselves away from self-centredness. And people can dream of doing such a thing but the hope should be fulfilled it is necessary a solemn decision that, whatever the difficulties, we are committed to the way of generous love.

You have both made your decision today – “I will” – and by making this new relationship, you have aligned yourselves with what we believe is the way in which life is spiritually evolving, and which will lead to a creative future for the human race.

We stand looking forward to a century which is full of promise and full of peril. Human beings are confronting the question of how to use wisely a power that has been given to us through the discoveries of the last century. We shall not be converted to the promise of the future by more knowledge, but rather by an increase of loving wisdom and reverence, for life, for the earth and for one another.

Marriage should transform, as husband and wife make one another their work of art. It is possible to transform as long as we do not harbour ambitions to reform our partner. There must be no coercion if the Spirit is to flow; each must give the other space and freedom. Chaucer, the London poet, sums it up in a pithy phrase:

“Whan maistrie [mastery] comth, the God of Love anon,

Beteth his wynges, and farewell, he is gon.”

As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the West, there has been a corresponding inflation of expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. This is to load our partner with too great a burden. We are all incomplete: we all need the love which is secure, rather than oppressive, we need mutual forgiveness, to thrive.

As we move towards our partner in love, following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light. This leads to a family life which offers the best conditions in which the next generation can practise and exchange those gifts which can overcome fear and division and incubate the coming world of the Spirit, whose fruits are love and joy and peace.

I pray that all of us present and the many millions watching this ceremony and sharing in your joy today, will do everything in our power to support and uphold you in your new life. And I pray that God will bless you in the way of life that you have chosen, that way which is expressed in the prayer that you have composed together in preparation for this day:

God our Father, we thank you for our families; for the love that we share and for the joy of our marriage.

In the busyness of each day keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life and help us to be generous with our time and love and energy.

Strengthened by our union help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. We ask this in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Amen.

http://www.officialroyalwedding2011.org/blog/2011/April/29/The-Bishop-of-London-s-Sermon

Goodbye

I thought about writing about love lost and unrequited love. I was looking through the internet for an appropriate photo for it when I found myself with this blog: http://arnoldechevarriajr.blogspot.com/2010/12/unrequited-love.html

I'd like to share his simple, right-through-the-heart words and quote some lines I find striking:

" ... how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you ..."

" ... you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally comes back and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of life that you wasted will eventually begin to fade ..."

Last Friday was when I realize God was speaking right straight to me. I realize He has grown tired of my drama for the past four weeks and maybe, in His own reprimanding way, He allowed me to face the fears I will never be able to get over until such catch me off-guard and hit me in the face. It did that and more. We hugged me. I wanted to hold him longer but I know it's not allowed. He asked how I was. If only I could truly say I was fine. I think I never told him how I was though (though my friends told me I never said anything understandable anyway). I felt my smile was faltering and my knees where buckling. I was never a good actress anyway. All I wanted was to look at him. And look I did when he walked away, with his arms around his wife. That night, I closed my eyes and that's all I can see.

The experience took my night away anyway. I didn't sleep. Not that I didn't want to but I felt my heart was broken in tiniest pieces, my mind was overflowing with thoughts unshared, my soul was in pain. It was excruciating. It was ironic as well because I was off to a place for the long weekend, take my needed break and some breather from the events of my life in the past six months and most recently, in the last few weeks. But on the verge of my departure, I was confronted by the very thing I was running away from. I thought maybe God wants me to face head-on the realities of my drama, of my dilemma, of my life. He wants to hurt me, allowed to make me feel that numbing pain. I guess He knows there is no way I will be able to forget and move on until I am faced with the very person I never wanted to see in my conscious state. He knows I will never move forward until I put a period (.) in this phase.

And so, right now, I am okay. The three-day getaway to Dumaguete helped tremendously. The place, the people, the experience made me come back to the city with renewed spirit, with new realities and new hopes.

I still don't know what lies ahead but it's okay. I do know I have taken a step to recovery from the misery I put myself into, day-in, day-out every single day since weeks back. I am ready to join again the land of the living.

I can now sing again, laugh out loud, smile for no reason, dance when I'm alone. Everything's starting to feel normal again.

So here's to putting a period in this chapter.

PERIOD.

Ironies of Life

I don't know what to do with the ironies of life. The very things, moments, people you pray and beg and wish hard not to happen or transpire or see, it always does. All I wish for is the time to find my peace, struggle to find that finality of emotions that I stumble in every waking hour since that memorable day. But it seems life has something planned. God has something else to offer. The realities of my life has happened to tonight. I will never forget. As for the lessons, I'm still figuring out. As for the feelings, I'm still trying to find out what. As for me, I'm floating. Not here, not there, not anywhere. I'm off to find me. And when I do, I'll let you know. later.

Tea

I'm a tea drinker. Yes, if between coffee and tea, I would opt to drink tea -- green tea in particular, the plain, no frills type, no sugar or flavor is fine. But the truth of the matter is that i never 'really' liked drinking it. Sure, it's something warm to drink in the morning. But to actually say I like it, I don't think so. I prefer it, sure. But like? No.

Then why in the world do I drink tea, you ask? Well, it is good for the body! Yes, it is. If you want to know then Google the benefits of drinking it. The truth of the matter is that that is the reason why I drink it. Because I know it is good for me.

How boring can I get! The things that I do, I do because it's good for me. Isn't that what boring people do? Of course, sacrifice for my loved ones is not the context which I want to say in this writing. Doing that so is what is good and good for me. That all together is another long, emotional piece to write. But I just realized, now that I'm drinking this tea brought to me by my friend from her Beijing trip, I really really can opt not to drink this. But then, this is good for me and is a little better than plain old water, for that matter. I drink a cup or two in a day -- or three or four, okay -- because the more I drink it, the more I think I'm ingesting in my body what is good for me. To some extent, I think this is right. I mean, we should only eat and drink what is good for our body, right? Take care of our body as much as we can, si?

BUT always doing what is good isn't right, right? What if what I think is good is not necessarily what is good for me? To do what is always good is safe and will not at all give me any problems, worries at night, wrinkles, white hair, butterflies in the tummy .... but where does that leave me? Right. Not the looney bin, please. I think I have ample sanity not to land a spot there, thankyouverymuch. But I think I am in a place that is always safe and innucous, benign and unscathed. I'm like a mother who is protecting dearly my child -- only the child is also me. How odd is that? I think it's either I love myself too much or I hate myself too much. It's either I want to grow, sure, as it is inevitable but within the bounds of the parameters enough to always place me in a secure haven. Or hate myself to prevent me from seeking the possibilities of a life I may have probabilities of greatness. Living in the box or living in a bordeless haunt.

What to do, what to do? I need to find a balance in my life that shall swing me into taking a step in doing what I believe to be good for me and another to doing what I am unaware of the outcome. The un-Google-able. The unknown is not always bad, right? Balance. Yes, maybe that's what I should hope to find. Not hope -- strive to find.

In the meantime, I think I will drink my tea.

later.

Corner

I was sitting at the corner of our house yesterday afternoon, stirring the leaves of my tea and I had felt this dark, muddy feeling of weariness, of sadness, that clothed me like a blanket. In my normal mode, I would just go to my room and shut the door and let silence takes me off my emotions of drama and lowness. But yesterday, for some reason, I told my sister that I was feeling so sad. I jested even, saying I must be hormonal.

Am I? Or is this still an aftershock of the turmoil I've had few weeks back, some small, shockwaves of dark emptiness, of realization of solitude in life? Or another moment of missing my grandmother?

The dinner I had last night with my family made me realize some sad thoughts (which I still think is part of the 'aftershock' of my life's 'quake and tsunami' of the past weeks) - that I will be alone for the rest of my life. In the middle of our family gathering, with my sister's and brother's families, with all my nephews complete, I realize this will always be the scenario in the next five or ten or twenty years for me. That I will be surrounded by these wonderful people I call my family but by the end of the day, I will not have a husband or a son or a daughter or a family to call my own. That I will not be a wife to a man or a mother to child. It saddens my heart thinking that this can never be. The bleakness of the idea squeezes my heart softly, quietly, killing my heart and soul faintly. Pretty sad when I was thinking about it more as i lay awake at night, my mind going on a trip of its own.

I realized that the acceptance hasn't really sunk in. I don't know if it ever will. Or when it ever will. I have held tight as I can to my realities before, to the notions of hopeful future filled with togertherness, of little white house in the prairie, of small, giggly laughters of babies and mommys and daddys, of quiet nights of intimacy, of family, of generation upon generation of life. But I hold tight no more. I allowed myself for many years to yearn but I do not any longer. It's not an easy transition from being hopeful of the unknown future to being resigned to the reality of today. But what today is already a manifestation of what the future holds and the bleakness and coldness it brings my soul is a struggle I accept everyday.

I listen to songs about love, hear stories about relationships, see movies about families and kids ... but nothing seems as it was before anymore. A part of me was changed. That little part of me is already missing, the part that hopes for everything I wish for will come true. There was a piece of me gone.

later.

The End Where I Begin

It has been a rough month of March for me. I felt it was like when my grandmother died September of last year. Only this time, I was the only one mourning.

March came and went. April has started a new tide. There are moments in March that made me realize a lot of things in my life: my fate, my faith, my TV viewing habits -- I realized that one way to overcome sadness is when you watch sadder news in CNN - Japan earthquake, Libyan war to name a few. You will, for a moment, forget your own sorrows, I assure you.

Somehow, I realized that life doesn't end for me when it has started to begin with the others. The end that I may seem to think is all for me is truly a beginning of something else. Cliche as it may sound, it does seem a beginning to an end. The road doesn't end until it already is. All of us has a road to walk on. There maybe merging paths along the way, people we meet, experiences that occur in life, moments that we all go through, but through it all, there is one road to walk on. And for as long as you keep on walking, you are living. But more than living, one should be thriving. Feel the rough patches along the way, the bumpy, rocky terrain that is part of the journey as well as the smooth glide on cemented roads and the soft patches of white, warm sand on your feet. There will be rains -- heck, storms -- that will need you to take cover for a while or the blazing sun that warms you -- don't get toasted as may happen sometimes. The elements of life will all be present as you walk on your path. You may need to run sometimes, when it all seems that you want it all to end, when you want to reach the end of your road. But you will never reach the end until you really do. The end you seem to think is the finality of the road is simply another beginning of it. Then you walk on again to restart.

I guess when March ended, April 1 came. As well as the realization that there are more to my life that what March has given me. It was a bumpy ride at most, all rough and tumultuous. There are views in my life that changed. Rejection of old rules, acceptance of a few. Heightened fears of the unknown but at the same time calm sobriety of emotions and drama. Growth? Most definitely. Maturity? Yes. Regrets? Plenty. Change? Yes.

Writing about this still gives a pinching ache in my heart. It was not as painful as when March was passing, when I felt I almost had no heart to feel a pain so great. Now it's a pulsing pain, something that remains in my heart, a reminder of something heartbreaking, of something sad. Of something finite. An end.

So here I begin with an end. What follows is whatever comes. And whatever comes is my life from hereon.

later.

Exams

I received some very good news that I passed my comprehensives and got a pretty good grade for it. It was a wonderful blessing for me but at the same time I felt quite worried for a friend of mine. When I learned about my grade and that I passed first thing Friday morning (at 6am!), I opted not to inform her because I know she really worries about her own. I did not want to share anything yet until I know she learns her status. I guess I want her to tell me first before I tell her mine. Don't get me wrong, I was never worried that she did not pass, even what she did was a re-take. I believe in her and know in my heart she did pass the comprehensives. What I worry is that I think she doesn't think the same as I do with herself. At mid-morning, she texted me and asked what grade I got. I had my hesitations to tell her but I didn't want her to feel I was keeping it from her so I did. Then she began worrying so much for her results and when by lunch time she realized her grade was not in the online system, she began freaking out, crying and just crushing herself with mindless tirade of baseless thoughts and was overcome by fear of knowing what the real score is of her exams. Of course, I called our Department even when I had no business doing so. My friend did not want to even CALL the university to ask. I was informed by our ever kind-hearted Department Secretary that I should ask 'my friend' (which I think she obviously knows who I was talking about) to go see her and get her results, as in the case when student's grade is not reflected online. I told my friend this and she simply didn't want to go last Friday to know the answer to all her anxieties. She opted to immerse herself with sorrow and tears instead for a while. She didn't even want me and another friend of ours Claire to bother her for a while. My passing the exams was never really something I felt truly successful because of this situation. Sure, I passed but I felt there was something that does not seem right to be happy about. When I decided to attend graduate school, I never really had any notions that I will have any close friends. I am not the most sociable person in the world and a little geeky on the side (which at times misconstrued by some as being snobbish -- far from it, that's for sure. I am more shy than standoffish). But this friend of mine, who I initially felt too lively and cheery,-- and a little talkative on the side -- became a good friend. She was funny, smart, generous and very passionate about her goals in the graduate program we are in. She may often see herself as someone most often misunderstood within our circle but I understand her just fine. I introduced her to my high school acquaintance Claire whom I also had a chance to be friends with again and the three of us became good friends. Saturday morning came and I was thinking of her. I knew she went through some rough tide thinking about her results (which she already decided she failed) but space I gave her, despite that fact that I really really want to bug her to get her results from the department -- stat! In the middle of my Saturday morning, she texted me and informed me that.... SHE MADE IT! That was when I felt a gushing relief for her and was very very happy for her. Then I felt at that moment an instant overwhelming emotion for my own success in my exams! It truly was a moment when I felt I did pass too and I scored high and I am truly a candidate for my graduate program (pending Thesis, of course!). I never realized that I was waiting for my friend's result as well as my own to truly feel I have made it this far in this journey. To my friend Tess, we made it, mare. I shall look forward seeing you and Claire in our Thesis Seminar in May. Graduation in March 2012? later.

Catch Me If You Can

I don't think I'll be able to face tomorrow if I can't find the strength to face today.

There are a million and one things I need to let go in order to find my way tomorrow. In doing so, I have to conquer the days as it come. It's a spinning, tupsy turvy ride. The ups and downs are so obvious that the fluctuations make me dizzy.

There are people I need to let go, people that I have to let go. Holding on to them, much as it will keep them in my heart, will never help me face and receive the people that needs to come into my life right now.

There are emotions I need to face. If only to let go, I need to accept that I am in pain, I am hurt, I am abandoned, I am neglected, I am alone. Only through knowing and accepting that I am feeling all these that they will all go away.

There are moments I need to forget. In doing so, I'm pretty sure there is a chance to create other moments that will define my life from hereon.

I need to forgive myself. Before doing all of the above. Nothing beats the true wisdom of forgiving your own transgressions to yourself. Only then that moving forward is truly liberating.

I have to do this now. Or I may no longer be able to do it at all.

later.

Prayer

I know some years back, I've prayed that God allows it for me to be the first to go forth.

But He didn't answer my prayer.

Today is the proof of that.

later

Splat

No words. It happened.

Shiver

have you heard Coldplay's song Shiver? Beautiful song!

so fitting to what i'm feeling right now ...

Career advice

" When I am asked about career strategies, I respond that you need two things: a long-term dream and one- to two-year plan. A long-term dream allows you to work with purpose to achieve real fulfillment. A short-term plan makes sure you are learning and growing from the work you do each day. All the stuff in the middle is confusing at best and anxiety-producing at worst. If I had tried to connect those dots when I left college, I would never have worked at Google or Facebook, companies that did not even yet exist. When you try to plan every step, you miss opportunities. I believe that if you are open to opportunity and respect the people who share their dreams with you, the rest will take care of itself."

- Sheryl Sandberg (http://www.newsweek.com/2008/10/03/changing-the-world.html)

Something Real

"When you find something real, everything else falls in place ..."

what else is missing?

Can I?

... i really really REALLY would like to be in the middle of these four geeks!

Nanay

i thought it's time i write something about my grandmother.

she passed away few months ago. she was 93.

it was the most devastating time for me. i have been with her since day one of my life. i've always thought that my life is inconceivable, unimaginable without her in it. for months now, i've been trying to rebuild my life, trying to wrap my head around the thought that the one sturdy pillar of my life is gone forever. it's not easy. i'm still trying.

i still miss her EVERY SINGLE DAY. not one day had passed that i never thought of her, her face or her smile or her laughter, her gestures. i miss her so much it's an inexplicable feeling of overwhelming, tumultuos emotions: sadness, joy, love, regret, fear, anger, resignation.

she was someone who was constant in life. someone who is always there at every single moment ... now, it's as if a huge void has occupied a large part of my heart, my life. the one that was constant is gone.

it was not easy to let her go. i miss her smile whenever i tease her. i miss her gentle touch, a kind pat on my hair when i hug her, a compliment on my dress or how i smell ... on how i would immediately get my perfume and spray some on her and we would laugh silly.... the joke we constantly share despite her alzheimer, her naughty antics that makes me laugh so hard .... how she used to tuck me in bed when i was young, telling me to say my prayers .... how i used to tuck her in bed when she was old, telling her to say her prayers .... the moments when we were just together, silently living our lives but constantly aware of the importance of ourselves on each other's.

there is no one moment i don't miss. even the times when i was away, when i was working, when i'm with friends or i'm living my adult life ... i know that i have a home in her. that i belong to her, her little jang-jang.

her passing has wounded me, deep cut that penetrates within the core of my soul .... a mark that will leave a scar that i hope remains forever, if only it's one of her i can keep within me for as long as i live.

i miss you, nanay tuding. i can just imagine how fun the angels are enjoying all the loveliness you have shared with me in my life.

later.

Wish

a wise woman once told me, a long long time ago, to be brave and make a wish. that wise woman, who i dearly dearly miss, saw a future me that needs to make into reality the wish i made when i was young.

when you are young, y0u have the all the illustrous freedom, the compelling right, the worthy privilege to be brave and make a wish. it was given as a gift. a gift that at a young age most of us cannot comprehend as something special, something precious. when you're young, you can be brave, you can dream of anything you want to be, you wish to have, you need to do ... with no thoughts whatsoever of the whatifs and whatnots.

most often than not, there is not even a thought of not having that wish come true. in the heart and soul of the young, a wish is a wish come true.

i wonder ... can cowards make a wish too?

later.

Swing

i'm not sure if im ok but i feel fine today.

what i mean is, i've been going through a nudge at the moment, the swing of my life at the moment is not as consistent with its usual, normal boring swing. yesterday, it was a little strong, the swing of the highs and the lows of my emotions. i of course always chose to be silent, pensive, a bit distant when i feel this unbalance.

today was different, i guess. i was quiet but i wasn't as absorbed to my emotions as i was. maybe i was a little busier today than yesterday. but the swing of my emotions seems consistent, almost equal distance as it move, a little slow and steady.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring. the day hasn't ended yet, though, to be thinking of what tomorrow will be. i guess,i'd find out.

later.