Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Half Alive, Half Dead


its been a while since i actually had the courage to once again open my heart and allow my readers to see what's in it.

im writing because i miss this... to some, writing is therapeutic ... to some, past time .. to some, relief ... to me? .... i dont know anymore what is writing about. even this part of me, this passion in me, had died down ... slowly buried in the deepest of my soul.

im blogging because i realised i need to weigh down the balance between life and death in my existence. weigh it down towards living instead of dying ...

its was hard for me, this past two months. losing someone over a heartbreak is tough ... but losing someone over a "soul" break is far more unimaginable.

yes, i lost one of the most important person in my life. death is something man can never comprehend ... can never actually fathom by mere imagination or vision of whatsoever. death is reality. yet a reality that us humans can never ever grasp, can never and will never understand ...

but we are living. even to understand life is unimaginable itself.

i am half living and half dying. you know the feeling of just floating in between something, somewhere, without nowehere to go or nothing to do or just simply going back and forth in space... that's me. i get up, i live, i sleep. i get up, i live, i sleep. i get up, i live, i sleep.

i get up, i live, i sleep.

to find someone to trap me down, extinguish me, and wake me ... each day, i pray.

up to when i will go on half living and half dying ... even the words of Warrior Paulo Coelho cannot penetrate the zombie in me ...

i need to die to live .... or live to die ...

later.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Diagnosis


At this point, while I am literally ALONE in the office and laziness to deal with my work has hit me, I am blogging to unload the burden of my heart who has experienced many dilemma for the past months, weeks, days... what about love .... ahh, i don't want to write anymore. The mere mention of the reason why I am writing gives me the creeps. But much as I'd like to admit, I am a hopeless and helpless romantic. Blame it on the novels I have read since I was 10 years of age. I just stopped reading on romantic novels few years back with the realization that all i inherited from it are insane ideas that love makes the world go round.

Yup, cynic, that's me. I have been called that several times. Oh, not to mention insensitive and freak when it comes to matters of the heart. Me, freak? What, do I have 3 legs and 2 heads? Freak ... tsk tsk ...

Two weeks ago,I have experienced difficulty in breathing for a week. Diagnosis? Suppression of Feelings and Coercion to Divert Attention Syndrome. Ever heard of it?

I never expected this is possible. Am i getting too old hiding my feelings? When i was a bit younger, i have no worries on how i will hold my breath and expel it after taunting emotions, gripping of heart, stoppage of brain cells occur. It was easy.

But now ....

what has changed? Is it me? Am i THAT old? or is it the intensity of emotions I an unequipped to deal with?

Ah... I promised that I will not analyze, I will not think, I will not talk about it ... but ... to forget is painful much as waiting is, as Paulo Coelho said. Which to do is the worse kind.

Where am I?

Later.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The year that was .... 2005

The first 6 months of the year was fine ... the other half was suicide .... I fell in love.

There are always "things" in life to be grateful for, especially the year 2005 ... family, friends, love ones, opportunities, trials, failures, success ... and so much more to mention one by one ...

But the highlight of the year 2005 in my personal life is love. Yes, i fell in love and it was ... i don't know. What should love be? Happiness? Pain? I cannot understand the depth in mere emotional or physical description.

I fell in love ... and its a continious downfall, not having reached the bottom pit yet .... its still free falling, without any sense, without any reasons.

*sigh.

Defining my whole year with mere words is crucial. it was a good year, great, ... the best? not yet, I hope. I'm thinking of the year to come ... 2006 .... maybe, just maybe (with a hopeful glee in heart), it will be the best ..

later.

Friday, August 26, 2005

untitled

this was something I unearthed from the drafts of my blogger dated november 18. i can't remember what was going through my mind while i was writing this. anyways, here it is .... maybe whoever's reading this can relate.

can you imagine? She is the world to the boy and he is to the girl.

Their world clashed on that fateful summer day of August, when the sun intensely bake the mold of their frienship, the crust of love that emerge between two souls.

From the moment they have found solace in the eyes of each, none in this world can pull them apart. Is perfection possible in this realm? in this reality? For the love binding the two and the lives they lead is perfection indeed.

the heavy weight of weakness does not understand the will and power of the heart. the infinity of dreams seems small in the vastness of the universe ... a small feat to effortlessly conquer the storm that clouds the serenity of the ocean as the frightening beauty of the ligthning strikes.

later.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Find a Guy ....

I got this from an email ... it makes sense ... find a guy who is truly a man and not busy pretending to be someone else.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
Who calls you back when you hang up on him,
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
Who holds your hand in front of his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

And if you have already found him....hang on tight!

later.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

List

Here are some of the things I want to do …..

Write a book/ pray in St.Peter’s Church, Vatican City/ meet the Pope/ join a choir/ watch a rock concert/ vsist Egypt and India/ talk to a secluded nun/ climb a mountain/ work in U.N./ be a guest in Oprah/ go to Amanpulo/ scuba dive/ plant a tree/ learn pole dancing/ be a bride/ go to Harvard/ go to an intensive regimen/ cook paella/ visit Russia/ cook for him/ send flowers to him/ learn to skate on ice/ bear a child/ learn yoga/ give birth/ tech a dog a trick/ visit Africa/ clean a fish/ attend an acting / go skating (ice or water)/ learn how to play a musical instrument/ visit old churches in the Philippines/ be a good mother and wife/ read a poem in a class/ buy a digital camera (top of the line)/ record a song/ accept an award and give an acceptance speech/ join a rally (of an important cause, of course)/ be on tv or movie/ paint a masterpiece/ wear a bikini in Boracay (or Amanpulo)/ go see my half-sisters/ stop thinking of the –ex’es/ organize a sustainable program for needy children and elderly/ donate blood/ take nanay tuding to a country drive/ wear stilettos/ be in a duyan under a tree with nanay tuding or him/ campo out with him/ join a sports competition/ dye my hair auburn red/ arrange my own wedding/ travel the world in 30 days/ teach in a nigh school education for adults/ watch Wimbledon or NBA games (Finals)/ hold a snake or lizard/ create a rose or flower garden/ watch a plays or theaters/ speak in a very large audience/ sit-in a class of a distinguished teacher/ have my portrait painted by an artist/ attend a UN assembly/ be lost in a strange country and love it/ talk to the president (of any country)/ learn Chinese, Spanish, French/ tell him I love him / scream on top of the Eiffel Tower … later

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

1 Corinthians 13

Love
1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Monday, July 04, 2005

A Quote from Paolo Coelho

I like reading novels of Paolo Coelho and one that caught my thought is this one from his novel "By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept"

" If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

I just want to share it with you ...

Swept Away

I never had anything happen so fast
I took one look and I shattered like glass
I guess I let it show 'cause your smile told me you knew
That you're everything I ever wanted at onceT
here's no holding this heart when it knows what it wants
And I never wanted anything more than to know you

I was swept awayNo one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I was swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the dayI was swept away

And so it begins
This journey of love
The summer wind carries us to places all our own
The words of a lookThe language of touch
The way that you want me means so much
And I never wanted anything more than to love you
I was swept awaySeeing my tomorrows in your eyes
I was swept away

I hope I wake up soonI'm a victim of that crazy moon
The very first time you said my nameI knew it would never sound the same
Something about me is changed forever

Fallin'

have you ever felt this unseen push and pull ofsomething extraordinary and yet you cannot explain itnor put in mere words the description of what you truly feel?

i plan not to write about this and yet i want to sowhen all this is over ... or not ... then i have this piece to read and remember this time of my life when clouds set in and the height of fear is as scary as falling from the zenith of a mountain without anything to hold on to.

falling .... yes, now i know why being in love is called "falling" than actually "climbing" .

you fall and wham! it hits you right at the face. you tried to duck, avoid the impact but it will hit you when it does. and what you can do? feel the emotions it builds slowly from its source, a mixture of boiling and freezing points ... stopping whatever you're doing and just allow nothing but for everything to set in...

i see him and i duck, avoid the impact, even run sofar away ... but what can i do but when my heart is pounding, my smile is giving me away and my head isnothing short but gray matters of him? i have tried to set free myself and feel but when i allow it to happen, i can actually imagine myself in thatmountain, my feet just an inch away from the crash.

so i hold on tight, close my eyes and pray. should i fall or not .... this i ask when i was already fallin' ...

i pray. i pray that the next coming of time, i will see clarity of things, vivid imaginations put into reality, emotions put into action ... you and me.

maybe my next blog will be a different story to tell ....

later. :)

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Dad

I dreamt of my dad last night. He was a ghost, as usual (am i making this sound casual?), and he was sitting beside me.

It's always my wish every night to dream of my dad. I miss him. I feel that a way to be with him, see him, feel him, is during the depths of the night, in the middle of my unconsciousness.

And he was with me last night. I cannot remember everything that transpired in my dream. It was very vague to me. But I do know he told me something.

"Live a happy life. Enjoy your life."

This morning, I thought of how my life is. I wake up, I watch the morning news, I prepare for work, travel to work, be at work, go home, sleep. This is my routine everyday.

Just now, I think of my dad and the life he has lived here on earth.

I didn't grow up with him. He was just in and out my life as he had a new family already when I was growing up. I just see him, sure, when he visits my grandma and his family almost everyday but I never really lived with him for a long time to actually know how life has been to him.

But despite the seemingly distant relationship I may have with him, I do understand what he wants me to do. To enjoy my life. To be happy.

That, I will do. Enjoy and be happy. For as long as I know I have my reverence to God, respect for others, love to share, I know happiness is an easy task to do.

later.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Smile

I can't help smiling these past few days?

Why? Beats me.

Am I inlove? Goodness ... I miss that heart wrenching, stomach gruelling feeling of being in the state of craziness ... but I don't think I am.

Maybe it's because of this wonderful Korean televonela Lovers In Paris. Yup, I watched and I got hooked. I'm not the usual avid viewer of telenovelas, be it Filipino-made, or American or Korean. It bores me. I will watch the first few episodes then I get sleepy and priority sets in ... I sleep.

But I watched this Korean program and it made me laugh and cry and make me realise that Koreans are pretty good story tellers.I have heard the story before, though. Poor girl, rich man, fell in love, another man intervenes, the family gets in the way, the leads parted ways and then saw each other back in Paris.Typical huh?! But not so that I watched it, I guess.

But what makes me smile these days? What puts that wide stretch on my face, a thoughtful sweet sigh ... I'm sick! hahaha ... I don't know. A guy? Hmmm ... I'm sure it's more than the telenovela. So between that and a guy .. I guess, it's the latter.

It's a stupid high school crush, goodness!

I saw him. He's tall, and handsome, and amazingly intelligent and charming ... now I'm smiling again ... he's dark skinned, well built, funny, ... ok, STOP!

I still sleep outright at night ... but after a few hours of communion with God, I have few minutes to think of someone and smile ... then sleep.

Cheesy, eh?!

later.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

EMPTY SPACE

Hmm ....

















Much as I want to write everyday in this online "Journal of Thoughts', I can't.

Why? Because I have nothing to write! As in!See that BLANK space above? That's my head at night.

How pathetic, eh?

I remember telling my friend that most of the time, at night, I would go straight to my bed, and after some communion with God, I go straight to sleep ... yep! without a single thought to think of.

It bothers me sometimes when I realised that there should at least be something or someone I think of before slumbering.

But NADA. NONE. NOTHING.

Odd? Maybe I'm not in love, Or maybe I have too few of a problem to think of, Or Im just too tired to think at night.

Whichever it is, it bothers me. Again, odd, eh? Because I AM A THINKER. I do not talk too much or do action too much ... I am a person born to brood over matters, stuff, things ....

... but then maybe I have changed ...

... good or bad?


Please help me figure.

later.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Tsunami: December 26, 2004

It's been over two weeks since the fateful day of Dec. 26 had passed.

It is only now that I muster the the words to write and excruciatingly choose the very fibers of what I feel about what happened.

I was not in any place where the tsunami struck. I was home, preparing for my party on the night of the 26th, very far from the areas where the giant wave destroyed lives and properties in incomprehsible magnitude. I only saw the news at CNN in the early morning of the 27th, several hours after the party I attended and several hours after killer waters have taken hundreds of thousands of lives.

I was in a numb feeling, as days following the event began to unfold before the eyes of the whole world. Tens of thousands of lives were lost, young and old, rich or poor. The properties were destroyed, lands were erased from the map. The unfathomable reflection of the effects of the tsunami was devastingting not only to those who were directly involved to the victims but to everyone in the world who has the eyes to see, the heart to feel and the mind to comprehend.

For days, I must admit, I was a freaking example of those affected. I would ride the car to work, and while I was travelling, I would sometimes stop and think how huge a 30 feet wave would look like. And more significantly, how I would react if it's already in my face, towering over. It gives me creeps, it scares me to death! My finite mind CANNOT imagine it, no, I cannot. But it has happened. I have seen how such waves struck the people in shock and with not even a warning, through the videos and photos taken by those fortunate to survive the tragedy.

Those people in Thailand or Indonesia or Sri Lanka and all other affected countries tried to run but the water was fast and, not to mention, BIG. The fast waves hit the lands for only several minutes but it took with it the Andrews, the Samanthas, the Mohammeds, little Johns and little Marys, old man Davids and other faceless people who were buried in deep wrath of the waters.

For days, I tried not to watch television, avoid joining discussions on the devastation of the tsunami. Even for a while, I stopped talking to God. I was not angry to Him, of course not. But my heart cannot speak of the depth of what I feel to actually put into words what I want to pray to Him. In silence, I give Him my prayers. I let him hear my heart. He knows what I feel.

But more so, God knows what THEY feel. Those afflicted by the calamity, those hearts bleeding due to the tragedy, those minds who are confuse and cannot understand .... He hears them all and He remains in control.

Oh, in times like this, it is difficult to remain faithfuly strong to the God we deeply believe in. To explain to them, to even begin to explain to them, those whose children died, whose parents gone, whose house and business vanished, the existence of God, is anything but easy.

But more so, today, in this times of enormous stress, unimaginable grief, the seemingly endless sorrow, we must all hold on to something ... to someone ... to God.

God is with all of us. But most specially, He is closest at the moment to those who are tired and helpless and sad. He is closest to all of them THROUGH the faces of all those nameless people all over the world who, in the first hour after the devastation, were there with the victims. God is that person who carries the body of the dead, those who reach out the bowl of soup the victims can eat, those who endanger their own lives to make sure the other remaining survivors are seen and are saved.

The world has come into one body to reach out to Thailand, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Burma, India, Maldives, Somalia and all the other countries. This has been the role of God. To gather us all together and in one, move towards responsibility and care.

No one wills the tsunami to happen. NO ONE is to blame for what happened. No one.

I do not know how to end this blog. The words I have written is not even close to what I truly unearth in my sad heart and in my restless soul.For I know my sentiments of what transpired on the morning of December 26, 2004 will never end in my heart.

later.






Saturday, January 08, 2005

2005

Can you imagine?

On New Year's Eve of 2004, I was writing in my journal and it just hit me ... it was just like yesterday when I was excited to watch on televesion all the celebration world wide of the Millenium Eve Party.

Cliche as it is, time does fly so fast.

When I was younger, it never came across my mind that new years are extra ordinary events in ones life, you know. It's just like another year, a party to celebrate, laughing, reunions on the first day of the year.

But then as I mature and age is added to my soul, I realised that each new turn of the leaf is another story of life, a new beginning, a new something. I don't know but don't you feel a sense of reborn every new year?

I do.

The year that passed was amazing. Lots of ups and downs, lots of laughs and cries. But you see, I consider such as a success ... a success that I am alive, I am here. The chairs in our new year's eve dinner table is still complete. That alone is enough for me to lift my gratitude to the One up there.

2005? Wow. Here it is. I think of this year with a smile. I always have a smile on my face every beginning of each year. It's somthing to smile about, hey. My friends have utterred words such as "this is our year", "this will be a great year" ... I believe so, yes. I told myself, this year is when all my dreams in life will come true. Such a high spirit, eh? But isn't the commencement of each year must also be the reborn of passion and dreams and hopes in life?

Ah. You must be saying it is easy for me to say this because I had a good 2004. On the contrary, I have had my roughest rides in waves of perplexities in the past year. I had problems like the rest, mend a broken heart, lost friends who went seeking their end of the rainbows, problems in life and death. My life was not as easy as you may have thought it was.

But I learned from my experience with my dad's death not to carry the baggage when you travel the road of life. Life isn't life if you do not have the downfall, the failure, the rejection, the pain. Everyone goes through life as everyone does. Rich or poor, old or young, we all go through the roads we take with some hindrances of sadness and suffering.

But we live on after. We carry on life despite everything.

And new years are good way to start.

I will make this 2005 the best year of my life. And maybe 2006 better than this "best" year. And the next be better than the last.

It means I will live, love, cry, laugh, take in everything with passion in my heart, everything that will happen to this 2005.

With abudant prayers, with unconditional love from my family and friends, from the greatness of God, I draw my strength.

Cheers to all for the best year of our life!

later.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

After 10 Years

Last December 26, the high school batch 1994 of Siena College of Taytay had a reunion at Club Manila East.

I can't say it was well attended but nonetheless, i'd like to consider it a successful event despite its only 50% attendance.

The first thing that came into my mind that night was, when I was in my high school, 10 years back, I don't think I have thought of us having a reunion after 10 years.

But we have and the moment happened last Sunday.

The night was a blast. It's always wonderful to see old faces that makes you remember fun and youth and laughters and almost all firsts of your life.

I saw old faces, most I have not seen since my graduation of 1994. Some, I may have, one way or the other, saw through the years but most, I have really lost communications with.

So many changed and yet, amidst all the laughing and shouting and reminiscin', I realised, we are all essentially the same as we were all before. Sure we may have "changed" (in its purest meaning), but deep down, the person we were before, I think, are still the same ones we are now.

I was thinking that if we all decided to come to the reunion wearing our uniform, it would be eerie but it would seem 10 years had not passed.

The night was simply a night of laughter, of hugging each other, of remembering names, of showing how things been in each lives, of how are the ups and downs and yet we are all there to share one moment in our lives, of how many has gained weight, of how one defines success and triumph ....

I love every moment of it, it must say! I enjoyed the night by even merely looking at faces of people I may not have been too close or even friends with in high school, people I recognized who have shared an experience with me in high school in some ways ... I think, in its essence, all people that night had the connection to one another that not one can explain.

We realise the moments when we were strong, moments when we were at our weakest, moments when we seem misunderstood, moments when we were laughing, moments when we thought it was over, moments when we share, when we have been united, moments when we were alienated... our antics, our triumphs, our funniest, our loneliest, the good and the bad, the braces and the hair ... hahahah ... I never thought reunions are as crazy as it had been with ours. All I do know is it sure is so much fun!

Through it all, we were there that night. All smilin'. Despite the differences in the paths we have taken, I felt that night merged all those paths into one memorable and foreverly remembered flashbacks.

For me, we have all been enriched by the lives we have lived. Whether it has been a hard life or an easy one, it has molded us into the persons we were that night.

I am proud of us. Everything is all there to be proud of. But I am most proud that we are all alive and living our lives to the fullest!

And I look forward to our 20th anniversary in 2014.

later.

ps,
yup, my high crush crush was there. amazingly, we talked to each other as 10 years ago, I can count in the palm of my hand when we actually had longer than 2 mins conversation to each other. hehehe .. have I outgrown my infatuation? .... hmmm ... didn't I say above that I think, essentuially, we have not changed?
later later.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Roadtrip to Calaruega

It's always a wonderful time when I am with my dear best friends. Laughter never fails to deafen the persons nearby, or food pig out or lots of reminiscin' and future envisioning. We are all just one happy group of girls who are naughty but nice .. right Vie?

Last Saturday, I went to Calaruega in Butalao, Batangas with Reg, Cathy, Vie and JP (JP, of course, being the "dad" of the group and Cathy's better half). We missed our dear girlfriend Armi who, before she left several months back, was also in Calaruega to see if I am trul telling the truth about the place.

We were late in leaving the city as I was late in our meeting place (hey, I had Christmas parties for two consecitive nights ... and it was one of those few times that I was ever late, right girls?). Anyway, we began our trip to Calaruega with a several teasing and many laughs. I voluntered to bring the sandwhiches and the hot choco, Cathy and JP for some drinks and "poison" food (yeah yeah the junk ones ... so we are not health buffs) and Mrs. Sung (as she prefers to be called now that she is married to her Korean hubby) brought MORE junk food.

So the trip began with a AWFUL (im sorry, Cathy, I have to say it ..) music ... the grunge, the heavy metal rock, the NOISE from the car's stereo. Our driver, Ms. Cathy Lorbes, wants a blasting sound so as to prevent any of us from doozing off. It's really as if we can even blink our eyes close when I think I just want to cover my ears from the sound. On the other hand, Reg, the sentimental lawyer, wants the love songs radio station. JP, being a kind referee as he is, once in a while, changes the station to appease the head banging head of Cathy and the sentimental heart of Reg. And all these while Vie and I devoured some sandwhiches dipped in some sandwhich spead and some hot choco.

The talks about each other's lives were intercepted by some jaw breaking laughters, some bladder breaking anicdotes from myself,some work "chika" from Cathy and JP, some sentimental stories from the hopeless romantic Reg and some marriage and breakfast "coffee" from the married Vie.

We arrived to our destination sometime around 10 in the morning and everyone is excited to be there. I, for one, was personally happy to have returned to one of my favorite places in the world, the Transfiguration Chapel of Calaruega. It is located on top of a small hill.

The place has a sentimental value to me. I have told those I am closest with how I feel about Calaruega. My first time there was 8 years ago and over the years after, I have planned on returning and being one with the place again. It was a leadership training convention that I attended when I was in Calaruega back in my college days. The activity was fun and eventful and I have learned to much. But the best moment I experienced there was when I sat on this lone bench adjacent to the small chapel on the left and over looking verdant fields and mountains. Just few steps from the same bench is already a cliff. I did not fall, of course ... but what happened was I fell in love with the beauty of what I have seen. The vast green fields and the strong proud mountains, capped with white clouds in a beautiful orange skyline ... it was before sunrise, around 6 in the morning and the whole experience converted me into a person of more faith in the wonders of a brand new day, a dawning of miracles, a blessing of beauty and serenity.

I have told to myself some promises that day and I keep such in my heart until the time it happens and all will be returned to that "promise land".

I first entered that chapel 8 years ago, when the sun was slowly rising and the rays of sun is reflected to the glass stained creations at the altar. The beam of light which is bounced on the glasses created an amazing dance of colors and stains inside the chapel. It awed me and until now, looking inside the chapel last saturday, I can almost see the reflections of the glasses. Simply breathtaking.

Back to my friends, we started our picture taking and posing and going around the small land of the secluded Calaruega. It was the first time for Reg, Cathy and JP. It was the second for me and Vie.

Vie and her husband Sunglee, when they were still "friends" and are just starting to date, went to Calaruega last February. The place did wonders to them as well and the experience of being together in the place touches their hearts. Few weeks after, the two committed to each other into a special friendship ... few months right after, marriage.

The second time for me in the place, I must admit, is not as fantastic and soul reaching as it was the first time. The feelings of the first will always stay in my memories. Last Saturday was more like re-visiting an old experience, looking at the venue from a different glance, a mature perspective, a rekindled spirit. It was a memorable moment beacause I was with my closest friends (though I miss Armi as she is in Canada already) and I was happy to share to them the beauy that captured me few years back.

There was a wedding in the Tranfiguration chapel when we were there so we did not immediately enter the small house of God. I remember, back then, I was absolutely mesmarized by the simple grandeur of the chapel. It was not lavish with gold trimmings or created to be flamboyant and eye catching ... I guess, it was simple if you look at it. Very small, around 100 sitting capacity. It was the glass stained altar which formed the images of Jesus, Moses and Elijah during the Transfiguration described in the Bible that is truly spectacular to see.

We stayed at the place for several hours because we were waiting for the wedding (which actually took forever) to finish. After which, we went inside, said our own prayers and took some photos.

Reg met her friend Dennis in Calaruega and he arrived close before we left.

We went to "downtown" tagaytay to have our late lunch. Late though it seem, it was a feast! Eating while laughing and joking around have always been a routine whenever we meet. It will not also be the same without Vie's antics and Cathy's laughs while sneezing or Reg's screams while lauging, or JP's teases. We terribly miss Armi. We felt her absence tremendously.

We went home at around 3 in the afternoon, hoping we can still visit Market Market at the Fort. But the traffic is simply at its best, as usual! It took us forever to even enter the express way, more so in Muntinlupa.

The best part of the trip was actually inside the car while we travel to and from Tagaytay. Only we know what has transpired on the talks of "coffee" in the morning of Vie, of Reg's opinion of her new found friend Dennis, of my plans on leaving the country, of JP and Cathy's wedding bells and much much more.

I must say, though, we have "learned" so much from the newly wed friend we have, right Cathy and Reg? She taught us how to take marriage in a note or two. For her, marriage is "singing of fine tunes and notes" everyday. Go figure.

I only wish we can do our travel again soon. to Share. To Laugh. To Experience Beauty Together. To Strengthen the bonds of friendship ... in the Beauty of Calaruega.

Later.





Friday, December 17, 2004

Before Christmas

I had to write something today because I figured, it's only several days before Christmas and I haven't written down my thoughts about it.

So what is Christmas?

Duh!, says Homer Simpson .. right, Galorb? =)

Christmas has always been my favorite part of the year. I believe it was the festivities and the outpour of commercial sensations that captured my heart when I was very young.

But, as what they say that the view of the world changes after a few books and nuggets of wisdom taken over the years leading to your adulthood, I too, have a different perspective of what Christmas really now.

Christmas for me is a chance to renew hope in my heart. It signifies life as a miracle to appreciate each passing days. It's already a cliche for me that Christmas is a time to give and share to others what you have gained. I do not think that Christmas is here to merely justify the reasons to reach out your hand to help. You can do that all the time, anytime.

So this Christmas, I thought to give something to myself instead. Here is my Christmas wish list ...

1. World Peace. YES! I may not be a contestant in a beauty contest that mindlessly answers WORLD PEACE, smile and wave my hand. But hey, WE DO NEED WORLD PEACE, you know and it will always be on top of my list every year until I can feel it has come to the point of coming true.

2. Love,Protection,Blessings,Happiness and Forgiveness. I wish these for all those people I dearly hold in my heart .... to ... and to ... and .. and not forgeting ... and .... in short, ALL my family and ALL my friends who all deserve the grace and kindness and love and happiness coming from God.

3. Long Healthy life for Auntie Tess. This is between me and God.

4. US Visa. This is between me and God ... again.

5. The One. ... yes, also this ...

6. Digital Camera. ahh .. this one I really really want for myself this Christmas of 2005. Just last month, I realise this fascination I have with churches. You see, wherever I go, I always try to make a point of visiting the church of that particular placeI have visited. Then one day, while I was taking a mass at the Stella Orientis of the the University where I work, I thought that I wanted to collect pictures of myself standing in the facade of the church building I have visited. Since then, I have browsed through sites of different digital camera companies and researched if I can afford a cam for myself this Christmas.Fat Chance. Well, I'm still looking .... BUT, if someone out there wants to give me a digi cam as a gift, well, I will be eternally grateful.

7. A 2005 year of opportunities and the eye and strength of heart to pursue such. It's a cliche to desire a big break in life. I wish this one for all of those, who like me, still waits for the big one. But for this Christmas, I wish for myself and all those I know and maybe for those that I don't know either, a 2005 year of opportunities. It does not matter if it's a small chance or a big one. What matters to me is the chance to see it, seize it and hold in my heart that thought of giving oneself a chance to take it.

8. More FAITH to God. He knows how i love HIM and everyday of my life, I seek HIM out for a stronger hold of my bond with him. This coming year, I wish for more wonderful miracles from God which will strengthen my relationship with HIM.

I know that this heart of mine has so many desires in my heart to fulfill for the next year. But then again, I will take each passing day as a new chance to take a step towards the goal I want to achieve. What matters most, I think, is I am wlecoming a new year with an open mind, a brave heart, and a peaceful soul.

Happy Christmas to all and may the graces of God come upon you all days of your life!

A Blessed New Year as well!

later.



Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Reflections of 2004

I was writing to a friend in Canada yesterday and I was telling her how 2004 has been an eventful year to all (I was actually referring to what had transpired in my and her and our friends' lives).

It hit me that 2004 is indeed ending in few days time and when I look back of the year that soon be gone, the reality of what it has brought all of us still never fails to make me sigh and thoughtfully reflect:

of the good and the awful times,
of the nearly impossible challenges conquered,
of lost love and excruciating pain,
of endless hopes and meaningful beginnings,
of unconditional love,
of having found what was lost,
of having lost of what should be gone,
of saying goodbye to friends,
of new friendships,
of distant bonds,
of weddings and marriage,
of after 10 years,
of truth and lies,
of recurring insanity,
of the possiblilty of the impossibles,
of true faces and hideous ones,
of starting an end and ending a beginning,
of smiles and cries,
of promises and optimism,
of the family,
of friends,
of faith ...

It was a blessed year no matter how it had went through.

As life celebrates the commencement of another leap, I wonder how mine again faces a new beginning.

We are better off from the ruins of yesterday as we start 2005. And yet we must remember to cherish the fragile lessons of the past.

We should live the day as it comes. Live in the present. As such cliche as it is, it is the only way to live. For the past is gone and will never return. The future is but a figment of man's imagination. We have only now to breathe, to suck in life, to open our eyes and see the world again, yet from a different set of eyes, from a different sense of smell, from a single touch, from a new vibrating sound.

After all, we will never notice how life has been until we once again remember everything at the end of the succedding year.

later.


Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Closing Cycles By Paolo Coelho

Paulo Coelho is a brilliant mind, a timid soul and a beautiful writer. Please read something of him ....

Closing Cycles By Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister,everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (howeverpainful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourselffrom them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes welose. Do not expect anything in return, donot expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to beunderstood. Stop turning on your emotionaltelevision to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much yousuffered from a certain loss: that is onlypoisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not acceptinglove relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no startingdate, decisions that are always put offwaiting for the "ideal moment." Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to befinished: tell yourself that what has passedwill never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are. "Love is a commitment of the heart that willstand the test of wavering emotions, intellectual rationalizing, circumstantialallure, hormonal infatuation, and even thewounds of your lover. Anything less is not true love."